How do you make a cat be a dog?
Pour gasoline on it and light it with a match. It will go WOOF.
20
Dec
20
Dec
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch – he couldnt return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. One million dollars, he answered, because I want to donate it to M.I.T.
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. I want to give a million to my family, he explained, and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewers ear, Three million dollars.
Why so much more than the others? the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, If you give me $3 million, Ill give you $1 million, Ill keep $1 million, and well send the engineer.
19
Dec
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Turin!
Turin who?
Turin to a vampire on Halloween!
19
Dec
THE PARACHUTE PARADIGM
You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one
parachute.
Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die in the jump
anyway.
Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived jumps
just like this before.
Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use
in melti-engine aircraft under corde red conditions.
Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute
in order to make your next appointment.
Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get
the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their
luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon
parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.
Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and
dental floss.
Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report
on how well it worked.
Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it
will work in all cases.
Philosophy: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
English: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
Comparative Literature: you read the parachute instructions in all four
languages.
Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute
as well as a human being could.
Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals,
how much they would pay for a parachute.
Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them
of.
Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a
person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
Republican: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard
and not expect handouts.
Democrat: you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cut the
parachute into two equal pieces.
Libertarian: after reminding them of their constitutional right to have a
parachute, you take it and jump out.
Ross Perot: you tell them not to worry, since it wonUt take you long to
learn how to fix a plane.
Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to
your health.
Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a
number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link
whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.
National Rifle Association: you shoot them and take the parachute.
Police Bigot: you beat them unconscious with the parachute.
Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is
biodegradable.
Objectivist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute,
as the free market will take care of the other person.
Branch Davidian (David Koresh): you get inside the parachute and refuse to
come out.
Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.
Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works
fine.
19
Dec
Ai Bang Mai Ne
I bumped into the coffee table
Chin Tu Fat
You need a face lift
Dum Gai
A stupid person
Gun Pao Der
An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Yu Hai Ding
We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive
Jan Ne Ka Sun
A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia
Approach me
Lao Zi
Not very good
Moon Lan Ding
A great achievement of the American space program
Ar U Wun Tu
A gay liberation greeting
Ne Ahn
A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai
A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be
A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne
A small horse
Ten Ding Ba
Serving drinks to people
Wa Shing Kah
Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim
Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting
There is no reason to raise your voice
18
Dec
Knock Knock
Whos there?
OShea!
OShea who?
OShea thats a sad story!
18
Dec
Un hombre de compras descubre una nueva marca de condones: Condones OlÃmpicos. Impresionado, compra una caja.
Al llegar a casa, le anuncia a su mujer la nueva adquisición:
¿Condones OlÃmpicos? dice ella ¿Y qué tienen de especial?
Vienen en tres colores… Oro, Plata y Bronce, como las medallas.
¿Y qué color te vas a poner esta noche? pregunta ella.
Oro, por supuesto. dice el marido orgullosamente.
¿De verdad?… ¿Y por qué no usas de plata? ¡SerÃa bueno que alguna vez no acabaras primero!
18
Dec
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Donna!
Donna who?
Donna sit under an apple tree with anyone but me…!
18
Dec
For Christmas this year my wife purchased a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
The club suggested I keep an exercise diary to chart my progress.
Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. Shes something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT!
Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it for heavens sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.
Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didnt try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I cant imagine anything worse.
Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I cant help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word dumb must be in there for a reason. I hid in the mens room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya – I dont have triceps. And if you dont want dents in the floor dont hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldnt it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies professor?
Day 6. Got Tanyas message on my answering machine wondering where I was. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.
Day 7. Well, thats the week. Thank goodness thats over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.
18
Dec
A married couple was in a terribleaccident where the womans face was severely burned. The doctor told the husbandthat they couldnt graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So thehusband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body thatthe doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.The husband and wife agreed thatthey would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor alsohonor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.After the surgery was completed,everyone was astounded at the womans new beauty. She looked more beautiful than sheever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthfulbeauty!One day, she was alone with herhusband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.She said, "Dear, I just want tothank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repayyou." "My darling," he replied,"think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see yourmother kiss you on the cheek."