Old and New Jokes

The 5 toughest questions that women ask men, and the answers…

The questions are:

1.

What are you thinking about?

2.

Do you love me?

3.

Do I look fat?

4.

Do you think she is prettier than me?

5.

What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: Im sorry if Ive been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you. This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Baseball. b. Football. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you. e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. (Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!)

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: YES! or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, Yes, dear. Inappropriate responses include: A. I suppose so. B. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? C. That depends on what you mean by love. D. Does it matter? E. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: Of course not! Among the incorrect answers are: A. Compared to what? B. I wouldnt call you fat, but youre not exactly thin. C. A little extra weight looks good on you. D. Ive seen fatter. E. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think shes prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: Of course not! Incorrect responses include: A. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is Buy a Corvette.) No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

Woman: Would you get married again? Man: Definitely not! W: Why not, dont you like being married? M: Of course I do. W: Then why wouldnt you remarry? M: Okay, Id get married again. W: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) M: Yes, I would. W: Would you sleep with her in our bed? M: Where else would we sleep? W: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? M: That would seem like the proper thing to do. W: And would you let her use my golf clubs? M: Of course not, Dear. Shes left-handed.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.

Este es Jaimito que llega a casa y su madre le dice:

Jaimito, vete a por pegamento.

Jaimito la dice que no va a ir.

Su madre cabreada le dice:

Vete a por pegamento o te pego.

Y Jaimito la contesta:

¿Cómo me vas a pegar si no he ido a por el pegamento?

Read the following statements and the amazing

conclusion:





1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is



Basketball.





2. The sport of choice for maintenance level



employees is Bowling.





3. The sport of choice for front-line workers



is Football.





4. The sport of choice for supervisors is



Baseball.





5. The sport of choice for middle management



is Tennis.





6. The sport of choice for corporate officers



is Golf.





THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:



The higher you are in the corporate structure,



the smaller your balls become.

There is no substitute for good manners…except fast reflexes.

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE. Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE. This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE. The very scared blonde raised her head and said, Is that you, Lord? The voice answered, NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.

Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldnt sleep I

tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.


The leftovers beckoned — the dark meat and white, but I

fought the temptation with all of my might.


Tossing and turning with anticipation, the thought of a

snack became infatuation.


So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door and gazed at

the fridge, full of goodies galore.


I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes, pickles and

carrots, beans and tomatoes.


I felt myself swelling so plump and so round, till all of a

sudden, I rose off the ground.


I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky With a

mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie


But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees…….

happy eating to all—pass the cranberries, please

Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her….
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.


…. with Beer

Dating hints for gentlemen

There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date…

I really dont like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

A drunk Russian guy walks up to a Jewish guy and says to him,why are all you dirty Jews so rich and yet so mean?

To which the Jewish guy replies, I am not a rich man and none of my Jewish friends are rich either

Feeling angered at the Russian guys question the Jewish guy then asks why are all Russian girls called Natasha and work as prostitutes?

To which the Russian guy replies in shocked anger,thats not fair to say that, my grand mothers name is Svetlana and she nolonger works as a prostitute!