Old and New Jokes

Whats the most embrassing thing for a cheerleader?

When she does the splits and 8 class rings fall out!

struct ComputerContractor

{

  double salary;

  long lunches;

  float jobs;

  char unstable;

  void work;

  int hiring_him_again;

  const pain_in_the_arse;

  unsigned agreement;

  short fuse;

  volatile personality;

  static progress;

}; /* and there are no unions in sight */

If Clinton was the answer, it must have been a real stupid question!

What is this?

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one…



Cher and Madonna dont have one…



And the Pope doesnt use his…





Answer: A Last Name!

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?

Tom says: I would switch one train to another track.

What if the lever broke? asks the inspector.

Then Id run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there, answers Tom.

What if that had been struck by lightning? challenges the inspector.

Then, Tom continued, Id run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.

What if the phone was busy?

In that case, Tom argued, Id run to the street level and use the public phone near the station.

What if that had been vandalized?

Oh well, said Tom, In that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo.

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, Why would you do that?

Because hes never seen a train crash.

Deregulation of the chickens side of the road was threatening its
dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant
challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly
competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship
with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical
distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry
Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the chicken use its skills,
methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chickens
people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy
within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a
diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with
Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to
engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their
personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them
to synergize with each other in order to achievethe implicit goals of
delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an
enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry
cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park like setting
enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically
based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified
market message and aligned with the chickens mission, vision, and core
values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business
integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to
become more successful.

I hope that this will finally answer the question and end all the
controversy surrounding it once and for all.

Look at each numbered item. Take one point for each one your remember.

When finished, check your score below:

1. Blackjack chewing gum

2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water

3. Candy cigarettes

4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles

5. Hamburg joints with tableside jukeboxes

6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers

7. Party lines

8. Newsreels before the movie

9. Slingshots

10. Butch wax

11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive – 6933)

12. Peashooters

13. Howdy Doody

14. 45 RPM records

15. S&H Green Stamps

16. Hi-fis

17. Metal ice trays with levers

18. Mimeograph paper

19. Blue flashbulbs

20. Amos and Andy

21. Roller skate keys

22. Cork popguns

23. Drive-ins

24. Studebakers

25. Wash tub wringers

=====================================================================

If you remembered 0-5 = Youre still young.

If you remembered 6-10 = Kids are calling your sir/maam.

If you remembered 11-15 = Youre older than dirt!

If you remembered 16-25 = Check your pulse now!

======================================================================

A husband shopping center (Husband Mart) has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: ‘Floor 1 – These men have jobs.’The woman reads the sign and says to herself, Well, thats better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder whats further up? So up she goes.The second floor sign reads: ‘Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.’
The woman remarks to herself, Thats great, but I wonder whats further up? And up she goes again.The third floor r sign reads: ‘Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.’
Hmmm, better she says. But I wonder whats upstairs?The fourth floor sign reads: ‘Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.’
Wow! exclaims the woman, very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up! And again she heads up another flight.The fifth floor sign reads: ‘Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.’
Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on? So up to the sixth floor she goes.The sixth floor sign reads: ‘Floor 6 – You are visitor 123,456,789,012,345 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at Husband Mart and have a nice day.’

Q: How many school teachers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: On the space shuttle, 1,000,001. One to screw it in and a million to pick up the pieces.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

I did not have sexual relations with that woman. — President Bill Clinton, 26 Jan. 1998

TRANSLATION (Merriam Websters Collegiate Dictionary, 10th Ed., ©1993):

sexual relations – n pl (1950): coitus.

coitus – n [L, fr. coire] (1855): physical union of male and female genitalia accompanied by rhythmic movements usu. leading to the ejaculation of semen from the penis into the female reproductive tract; also: intercourse.

CONCLUSION

Bill Clinton hasnt denied having oral sex with that woman.