Old and New Jokes

A woman is rushed into hospital in labour with twins, sadly it turns out that she has a rare condition which causes her to slip into a coma when she feels extreme pain.Six months later the woman wakes up in her hospital bed.Doctor! She asks What happened to the children?Dont worry madam. He replied, The children are fine, you have a strong yound lad and a beatiful baby girl. Your brother collected them, named them and is now looking after them.Oh no! My brother is an idiot She cried. What did he name them?Well your daughters name is Denise The doctor informed her.The woman breathed a sigh of relief before asking What about my son?Denephew The doctor replied.

Un tipo entra a una zapatería y se le acerca el vendedor:

Buenas tardes, ¿en qué puedo servirle?

Quiero unos zapatos del número seis.

Verá, señor, no es por contradecirlo, pero a simple vista puedo ver que su número es al menos siete y medio.

Eso no importa, yo quiero un número seis, si no, no compro nada.

Está bien.

El dependiente le trae un número seis; el tipo se los prueba y comenta:

Perfecto, me los llevo puestos.

Cuando va de salida, el vendedor ve que el tipo va sufriendo porque los zapatos le aprietan. El vendedor, intrigado, se le acerca:

Señor, disculpe, pero no me puedo quedar con la duda, ¿cómo es que compra sus zapatos así, si se ve que está sufriendo porque no le quedan?

Mire, le voy a contar mi historia: mi mujer me engaña con mi mejor amigo; mi hija es una puta; mi hijo es drogadicto y maricón; mi suegra vive con nosotros… ¡El único placer que tengo en la vida es cuando llego a mi casa y me quito estos malditos zapatos!

A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles herself in for the trip, smiling prettily at admiring passengers seated around her.



Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, Miss, Im sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and youre seated in first class; Im afraid youll have to move.



The blonde replies, Im blonde, and Im beautiful, and Im going to New York to be a model.



Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant.



The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, Im sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, youll have to move back.



The blonde replies, sweetly, Im blonde, and Im beautiful, and Im going to New York to be a model — and shows no signs of moving.



Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says hell deal with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the blonde seated comfortably in first class.



Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the blondes ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment.



Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, Captain, Im impressed … what did you say to her?



The captain grinned slyly and said, I just told her that the first class cabin doesnt go to New York.

Two Americans, a businessman and a lawyer, were traveling on a train in Europe. Sharing the compartment with them were a Cuban and a Russian.

After an hour of travel, the Russian takes a brand new bottle of vodka out and asks if any of his companions would like to have a drink with him. All accept and so the Russian pours a drink for the other three and himself. Then he throws the rest of the bottle out the window of the train. The American businessman looks on in disbelief.

Why did you throw that fine bottle of vodka out the window? In the US that brand of vodka is very expensive!

The Russian replied: In my country we have all the vodka well ever be able to drink. Its one thing that we have plenty of. Ill get a dozen bottles just like it for the equivalent of one US dime.

After everyone had finished their vodka, the Cuban got out a new box of fine Havana cigars and asked if any of his companions would like one to smoke. Every one appreciating the fine aroma, etc of good Havana cigars, took one. As they were lighting up, the Cuban threw the rest of the box out the window. Again, the American businessman was astonished.

How could you throw away such good cigars? In the US, if we could get Havana cigars like that, they would cost us a hundred dollars a box!

The Cuban gentleman replied: In my country, such cigars are everywhere. I can get a dozen boxes just like that one for ten cents. These cigars are every where!

The American business man sits and ponders over what hes learned in the past hour from the Russian and Cuban. Then suddenly he stands up, grabs the lawyer, and throws him out the window, and says: In my country …

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer, to let her know he had arrived safely. Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away. The preachers wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously showed her neighbor the message, which read: Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.
So the next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

Sip the Vodka, dont gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, dont say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, Take this and eat it, for it is my body, he did not say, Eat me.
The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, Mary with the Cherry.
The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God.
Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffys.

Did you know that this week is *National Condom Week*? Heres a *salute* to the *new* condoms on the market!

Lumberjack Condoms
For the woody that wont be cut down.

Sprout Condoms
Add a little moisture, and watch it grow!

Helium Condoms
For those flaccid moments when you just need a lift…

KFC Condoms
When you just need to *wing* it.

ASPCA condoms
For that lil pup in you!

Howdy Doody Condoms
When you know what time it is!!

Lassie Condoms
When you know shes a bitch, but youre gonna do her anyway!

George W. Bush Condoms
When Junior wants to take over!

Yawn Condoms
When youre bored stiff.

Memory Condoms
When its on the tip of your tongue.

Chatterbox Condoms
When you need to talk it up.

Cheerleader Condoms
When you want it *Rah*!

Scorpion Condoms
When you wanna sting er!

Jock Condoms
When its a team effort!

Prone Condoms
When you flat-out want it.

Pitching Wedge Condom
For those special moments in the rough!

Electrical Condom
Cures the shorts in your pants!

Plumbing Condom
When you know youre gonna clean those pipes!

(c) Original Sins

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and brings a buddy with him. While hes talking to his grandmother, the buddy starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table. He finishes them off. As theyre leaving, his buddy thanks Grandma for the peanuts. Youre welcome, she says. Since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off of them.

The incredibly dumb

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary schools drug policy last week – for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him jump higher.

Q: How many American wrestlers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to yank the old bulb out, throw it on the floor, try and jump onto it from a great height, and act real surprised when it rolls out of the way at the last minute, one to pretend to twist the new one in round and round so far it almost breaks, and some guy in a black and white stripey uniform whose function is never made quite clear to protest about something or other, to the complete indifference of the bulb changers.