Old and New Jokes

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Tim, you be first, she said. What does your mother do all day? Tim stood up and proudly said, Shes a doctor.

Thats wonderful. How about you, Amie?

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, My father is a mailman.

Thank you, Amie, said the teacher. What about your father, Billy?

Billy proudly stood up and announced, My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billys house and rang the bell. Billys father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billys father said, Im actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?

A: Frosted Flakes.

Pasa una muchacha bien gordita por la calle y unos tipos le gritan:

¡Bombón! ¡caramelo! ¡dulce!

Y la gordita emocionada contesta:

¡Gracias chicos! ¡Nunca me habían dicho un piropo!

¡Eso es lo que tienes que dejar de comer, pinche gorda!

During the winter of 1970-71 I worked as a janitor at a county courthouse in Upstate New York (it was Binghamton for those who care for the specifics). One of my tasks was to run the elevator – an old manual one with a lever to make it go up and down and not many safety features so you could stop it between floors for the fun of it.

Here is the sign I placed in that elevator during the holiday season:

We wish you felicitations concomitant with your observance of the season and many propitious initions during the forthcoming twelvemonth.

For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11pm.

And what do Baby Gates and Daddys products have in common?

1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party support.

2. Both barf all over themselves regularly.

3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support wont help.

4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceded them.

5. At first release theyre relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each passing year.

6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could have produced one.

7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.

8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the actual release.

9. Bill gets the credit but someone else did most of the work.

10. For at least the next year, theyll suck.

A robber broke in on a young woman and her elderly mother.

Im going to tie you up while I fill my bag with swag, he said, and then before I leave Im going to have my way with both of you.

Oh, please, sir, cried the young woman, take anything you want, and do what you will with me, but PLEASE spare my dear old mother.

Now, dear, said the mother, dont try to teach the man his trade.

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions…. Officer: Whats 2+2? Blonde: Ummmmm… 4! Officer: Whats the square root of 100? Blonde: Ummmm… 10! Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? Blonde: Ummmm… I dunno. Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow. The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, Im already working on a murder case!"

It was spring in the old west.

The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.

As one cowboys horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

Hold on there, partner, said the snake, dont shoot- Im an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you dont shoot me, Ill give you any three wishes you want.

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snakes striking range. He said, OK, first, Id like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, Id like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, Id like sexual equipment like this here horse Im riding.

The rattlesnake said, All right, when you get back to the bunk house youll have all three wishes.

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.

He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted…

Oh My God… I was riding the MARE!

Im hungry = Im hungry.

Im sleepy = Im sleepy.

Im tired = Im tired.

Do you want to go to a movie? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.

May I have this dance? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.

Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.

Whats wrong? = I dont see why your making such a big deal about this.

Whats wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

Whats wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

Im bored. = Do you want to have sex?

I love you. = Lets have sex now.

I love you, too. = Okay, I said it… wed better have sex now!

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesnt look that much different!

Lets talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then youd like to have sex with me.

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

(while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin dress and lets go home!

I dont think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.

Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (Bush) None. (Bush in an earnest lap dog voice) I resent that question. Ive answered it before, and I think the media are keeping this thing alive. I think the American people are tired of light bulb jokes.