Old and New Jokes

Remember, marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.I married Miss Right. I just didnt know her first name was Always.I havent spoken to my wife for 18 months. I dont like to interrupt her.The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, Whats on the TV? I said, Dust!In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to.

About ten years ago, George Bush was visiting Mikhail Gorbachev at the Kremlin. When he got him alone for a moment, he said to Gorbachev, Mikhail, can you help me with a problem? I have some doubts about one of the key people under me. How do you decide that someone is smart enough to work for you?
Well, when I was interviewing Eduard Shevardnadze, I asked him, Eduard, who is the son of your father but not your brother?
What did he say? Bush asked.
He said, thats me, so I hired him. Bush patted Gorbachev on the shoulder. Thanks, Mikhail. Thats a great idea. As soon as he got back to Washington, Bush called Dan Quayle over to the White House.
Dan, he said, Ive got a question for you. Who is the son of your father but not your brother? Quayle looked rather puzzled. Can I get back to you on that in 24 hours, Mr. President? He was very troubled by this question. He kept thinking about it and thinking about it, but couldnt get anywhere. Finally, the thought struck him, Ill ask Jim Baker. Hes a smart guy. Quayle called Baker on the phone.
Jim, Ive got a question for you. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?
That would be me, Baker replied. Quayle broke into a big smile.
Thanks, Jim. Youve helped me out big time. He went running to the West Wing and burst into the Oval Office. Mr. President, I have the answer!
Okay, Dan. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?
Its Jim Baker! said Quayle.
No, said Bush. Its Shevardnadze.

Fission shmission, relax, Ill increase the water level after my coffee break.
Was that Open valve A and close valve B or was it the other way round?
This whole plant will be running under Win95 tomorrow.
HEY! Is smoke coming out of the core normal?
Who forgot to pay the water bill???
We got 12 seconds to WHAT???
Meet your new plan superintendent: Bozo the clown.
A leak? Cant you fix it with duct tape or something?
Oh yeah! 50 bucks says I can make it blow.
Its Russian technology.
Move over Three Mile Island – here we come!!!
Sniff, sniff … you smell that?
I used to work at Chernobyl.
All the way to the RIGHT, not LEFT you dummy!
Its your turn to wax the core.
How come all the big shots are leaving?
Is that a 60 minute film crew out there?
Is this part really necessary?
OF COURSE I went to high school. Didnt finish it, though.
Look at the good news: we are going to find out whether people actually glow in the dark.

Um, well….

Three prisoners attempt an escape from Alcatraz, but are caught
and must be punished.

Prison Guard: OK, the governor has prescribed punishment of three
lashes each, but you may have on your back the covering
of your choice. Jenkins, you first. What ya want on
your back?

Jenkins: Oil.

PG: OK, then. Slop it on. Good. Now… ONE!

Jenkins: AAAAAAAAAARRRRGHHHHHH!

PG: TWO!

Jenkins: Oh GOD! MERCY! MERCY!

PG: THREE!

Jenkins: AAAARRRghhhhh (faints)

PG: Next, you Baxter, what do you want on your back?

Baxter (extra tough macho type of guy): Nothing.

PG: Have it your way… ONE!

Baxter: Didnt feel it.

PG: TWO!

Baxter: Ha, ha, ha!

PG: THREE!

Baxter: No sweat.

PG: Finally you, Goldstein. What you want on your back?

Goldstein: Ill have Baxter.

(From an album of Jewish humour heard years ago.)

You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.

The little league puts you on waivers.

Your suggestion box starts ticking.

Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.

You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.

The moths in your money belt starve to death.

People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.

Your wife starts charging you rent.

A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.

You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.

The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.

The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.

A copy of your birth certificate comes in the mail marked null and void.

The department of biological warfare ask for your stew recipe.

Your childrens school calls to surrender.

You cant afford to drive your new car.

It takes you three hours to make minute rice.

Youre so bored you play hide & seek alone.

The fortune teller charges you half price.

People give you the senior citizen discount and youre only 37.

Your wife takes the dog on vacation and leaves you at the kennels.

You find a note on the table instead of supper.

Your wife tapes your picture to the dart board.

The bribes family throws rocks instead of rice.

Your wife is sitting on the stove holding a picket sign.

Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.

Your plants do better when you dont talk to them.

The house is messy again before you can finish cleaning.

Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hells Angels motorcyclists.

Youve been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open.

Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

Everyone avoids you the mor

A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, I have some very bad news for you. Im afraid that youre afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease.

So the guy asks, Well isnt there ANYTHING I can do, doc?

Hmmm… maybe you should go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths. The doctor tells the patient.

Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?

Probably not… but at least youll get used to being covered in dirt!

There were 3 blondes who found a jeanie. He granted each of them a wish. The first wished she was 50% smarter – poof shes a BRUNETTE, the second wished she was 25% smarter – poof shes a REDHEAD, the third wished she was 50% dumber – poof shes a BLOND MAN.

Jeffory Dohmer asks Lorrena Bobbit one day, Are you gonna eat that?

What a woman says:



Cmon…This place is a mess! You and I need to clean. Your pants are on the floor and youll have no clothes if we dont do laundry now!



What a man hears:



CMON….blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Bibi!
Bibi who?
Bibi gun!