An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, the Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.
They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.
The Chief said, You betcha!
When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi.
The Rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, Did you eat their legs?
The chief replied, We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi.
Another rescuer asked, Did you eat their arms?
The Chief replied, We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi.
After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, Did you…you know…eat, their…things?
The chief says, No.
No? asked the rescuer.
No, replied the Chief, THINGS go better with Coke.
HabÃan dos espermatozoides en el cuerpo de Mónica Lewinsky y uno le dice al otro, Oye, ¿cuanto falta para llegar al óvulo?
Y el otro le responde, No lo sé, pero recién vamos por la tráquea.
One day a priest decided to go down to the dock near his church. He saw a fisherman loading up his boat there. So the priest watched him for awhile. The fiisherman saw the priest and asked him if he wanted to go fishing with him. The priest had nothing to do so he said ok. They went out all day. They only caught one fish all day and it was the priest who caught it. The fisherman said,Thats a big sonofabitch! The priest was like what did you say. Quickly thinking the fisherman said that is the name of the fish. Later when the priest went back to the church he showed it to the bishop and said look at this sonofabitch I caught. The bishop was like watch you mounth. The priest said no that is the name of the fish. The bishop said ok lets go clean it. They cleaned it and took it to the sister to cook it. She said where did you get the fish from. The priest said I caught the sonofabitch and the bishop cleaned the sonofabitch. The nun was stuned but she cooked it. Later that night the pope came over for diner. After diner he asked where they got the fish from. The priest said,I caught the sonofabitch. The bishop said,I cleaned the sonofabitch. Abd the nun said,I cooked the sonofabitch. Just then the pope sat back in his chair losened his belt and said,I you mother f*ckers aint so bad after all.
Filthy and Filthy but wearable.
In a recent issue of Meat & Poultry magazine, editors quoted from Feathers, the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story:
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a planes windshield at approximately the speed the airplane flies. The theory is that if the windshield can withstand the carcass test impact, itll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. Apparently, the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, high-speed train they were developing.. They borrowed the FAAs chicken launcher, loaded a chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken not only shattered the windshield, but went through the engineers seat, broke an instrument panel, and was imbedded in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to review the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the data thoroughly and had one recommendation: Use a thawed chicken.
Twas The Night Before Impeachment, when all through the House,
All the Congress was stirring, even Conyers, the louse.
The Articles were hung by the Capitol with care,
In hopes that Saint Bubba would be trapped in the lair.
The Republicans were nestled, all smug with The Feds,
While visions of perjury danced in their heads.
And Barr with his rhetoric and Hyde with his trap,
Had just settled in for a long evenings nap.
When out in The Gulf, there arose such a clatter
They clicked on CNN to see what was the matter.
When what to their wondering eyes should appear
But Tomahawk cruise missiles flying like reindeer.
With a Presidential address, so lively and quick,
They knew in a moment, it must be Saint Slick!
More rapid than eagles, his supporters they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
Now Conyers, now Gephardt, lets forget about The Vixen!
On Barney! On Maxine! Im no Richard Nixon!!!
From Capitol Hill to the Washington Mall,
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!!!
And then the Republicans heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As they scratched their heads and were turning around
The resilient Saint Willie scored another rebound.
No longer was he eating from his humble pie,
While assaulting Saddam with his bombs from the sky.
A bundle of weapons he had flung at Iraq,
It looked once again like Slick Willie was back.
His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry.
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the hair on his head was as white as the snow.
The stump of a stogie, he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
He was chubby and plump – a right jolly old elf,
And the Republicans wept, in spite of themselves.
And a wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave them to know they had something to dread.
He spoke the right words and went straight to his work
Hard to believe that an Intern once called him The Jerk.
And shaking his finger and thumbing his nose,
By Wagging The Dog, up the polls he rose.
He turned to his spinmeisters and gave them a whistle,
Then they cheered-on Slick Willie as he launched another missile.
They all heard him exclaim, with Impeachment out of sight,
Happy Ramadan to all, and to all a good night.
Bob is throwing a party. Bob decides that to break the ice at his party, hell ask everyone what their IQ is, and then strike up an appropriate conversation from there.
The day of Bobs party rolls around and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what their IQ is.
200,000, replies the first guest.
Well, thats great, says Bob, Lets talk about etherial astro physics. Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while. Later in the party someone else is at the door.
Hi my name is Bob. Welcome to my party, whats your IQ?
The new guest responds with 250.
Great, says Bob, Lets talk about advanced math. Bob and his new guest talk about calculus and statistics for a while.
Much later in the party after many more guests had arrived and spoken to by Bob, yet another guest arives at the door.
Hi my names Bob. Welcome to my party, whats your IQ?
This time the guest replies after putting some thought into it: 5.
Well thats great, says Bob, What kind of drumsticks do you use?
A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? 3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7.
My uncle was travelling on business, in New Mexico. He needed to cash a check, and went to the bank (strangely enough).
He gave his check to the bank teller, and she looked at it and said O-co-no-co-mo-co-woc (actually Oconomowoc)
Gee, thats a funny name for a city!
My uncles response was And Albuquerque isnt?
Well, *I* thought it was funny.