Old and New Jokes

A little koala bear wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the stairs and finds a door open. He goes in to the room to find a naked prostitute asleep on the bed. He quickly climbs into the bed and begins performing oral sex on the prostitute.

She wakes up and decides that since it feels so good shell let him finish. The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs off the bed and heads for the door. The prostitute jumps up and yells at him Hey, you have to pay for that. The koala shrugs and continues to head for the door.

The prostitute yells at him again, Hey you have to pay for that. Im a prostitute. She gets up and pulls a dictionary off a shelf and shows the koala the definition.

PROSTITUTE
(n) a person receiving payment for sexual services.
The koala shrugs, takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the definition of koala bear.

KOALA
(n.) a small bear that eats bushes and leaves.

Manolo va al doctor y señalando varias partes de su cuerpo con el dedo índice le dice:

Doctor, me toco acá y me duele, me toco aquí, de este otro lado y me duele, me toco en este otro lado y también me duele, ¿que es lo que tengo doctor?

Y el doctor le contesta:

¡Lo que usted tiene es el dedo quebrado, imbécil!

You go to a party and you see a SEXY girl across the room. You go up to her and say Hi, Im great in bed, what about it?.

Thats direct marketing.

You go to a party and you see a SEXY girl across the room. You give your friend a tenner. She goes up and says Hi, my friend over there is great in bed, what about it?.

Thats advertising.

You go to a party, you see a SEXY girl across the room. She comes over and says, Hi, I hear youre great in bed, what about it?

Now that is the power of branding!

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

Defendant: No, I did not.

Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

Defendant: Yes, I do. And theyre a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.

Q: What is Hillarys new nickname after her latest hairstyle?
A: Oldielocks.

Your Mommas so fat, the National Weather service had to label her body parts!

The man discovered WEAPONS and invented HUNTING,
the woman discovered HUNTING and invented FURS.

The man discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
the woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.

The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
the woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.

The man discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
the woman discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.

The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
the woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.

The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
the woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.

The man discovered WOMEN and invented SEX,
the woman discovered SEX and invented HEADACHES.

The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
the woman discovered MONEY and thats when it all got f#@$ed up.

Storming into his lawyers office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.

Whats the problem?

I want to hit that adulterin bitch for breach of contract, snapped the oil man.

I dont know if thatll fly, said the lawyer. I mean, your wife isnt a piece of property, you dont *own* her!

Damn right, the tycoon rejoined, but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin rights!

Q: What is a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?

A: Humpme Dumpme

Jill phoned her husband, John, at work for a chat. Im sorry dear, said John, but Im up to my neck in work today. I dont have time to chat.

Jill replied, But Ive got some good news and some bad news for you, dear.

OK darling, said John, but as Ive got no time right now, just give me the good news.

Okay, agreed Jill. Well, the air bag works…bye!