Old and New Jokes

Llega Andrés Pastrana a una reunión con su gabinete a las 2:30 am.

Señores… ¡Renuncio! Me voy de este país lleno de pobreza, guerrilla y criticones…

Toma un respiro y ante la mirada atónita de todo su gabinete sigue:

Me llegó una carta de Bush donde me dice que me va a nombrar asesor en el Medio Oriente.

Pastrana saca un sobre sellado y estampado TOP SECRET (como en las películas de espías) y lo tira al centro de la mesa del despacho. Uno de sus asesores, aún sin haberse recuperado de la sorpresa, toma el sobre; saca la carta que contiene; la lee y, aguantando la risa, se dirige al Señor Presidente:

¡Eh, Andrés! Aquí no dice que te van a nombrar asesor en Medio Oriente. El presidente Bush dice que te va a mandar un asesor para que te medio oriente…

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.

One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.



Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.



The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, I think Ill get up and get a coke.

No problem, said the Soldier, Ill get it for you.



While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldiers shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, That looks good, I think Ill have one too.



Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldiers other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.



As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.



How long must this go on? the Soldier asked.



This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity?

This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?

Why do so many Scottish people have double glazing on their windows?

To stop there children from hearing the ice cream van!

There is no problem so large that it cannot be solved
with a suitable application of high explosives.

[Posted to misc.kids recently. Author unknown]
posted by Jeremy Henderson

BABY(1) USER COMMANDS BABY(1)

NAME
BABY – create new process from two parent processes

SYNOPSIS

BABY [ -sex ] [ -name ]

DESCRIPTION

BABY is initiated when one parent process polls another server
process through a socket connection (BSD) or through pipes in the
System V implementation. BABY runs at a low priority for approximately
40 weeks then terminates with heavy system load. Most systems require
constant monitoring when BABY reaches its final stages of execution.

Older implementations of BABY required that the initiating
process not be present at the time of completion. In these versions
the initiating process is awakened and notified of the results upon
completion. Modern versions allow both parent processes to be active
during the final stages of BABY.

OPTIONS

-sex
option indicating type of process created.

-name
process identification to be attached to the new process.

RESULT
Successful execution of the BABY(1) results in new process
being created and named. Parent processes then typically
broadcast messages to all other processes informing them of their
new status in the system.

BUGS
The SLEEP command may not work on either parent processes for some
time afterward, as new BABY processes constantly send interrupts
which must be handled by one or more parent.

BABY processes upon being created may frequently dump
in /tmp requiring /tmp to be cleaned out frequently by one
of the parent processes.

SEE ALSO
sleep(1) dump(8) cry(3)

Wife : you delivered an excellent speech.
Hubby : Thanks dear, but the audience was full of fools & idiots.
Wife : Is that why you addressed them as your brothers & sisters?

A cowboy rides up to a Saloon, goes inside and orders a drink.

Hes just about got the glass of whiskey to his lips, when a guy comes running up to the door, and yells Hey Joe! Your house is burnin!

The man leaps up, runs out and jumps on his horse just as he thinks Hey, I dont have a house.

He goes back in and sits down, and raises the glass to his lips again. Just then a man comes running up to the door and yells, Hey Joe! Your dad has died!

So he leaps up, runs out, gets on his horse and starts to head down the street when he thinks, Wait a minute … my dad died years ago.

He goes back to the bar, and sure enough, hes just about to take a sip of his whiskey when another guys runs up. Joe! Congratulations! Youve won the lottery! Theres a pile of money waiting for you down at the post office!

The cowboy gets up, leaps on the horse, and starts flying towards the post office. He almost gets there when he thinks, Hey, wait a minute. My name aint Joe…

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Doug!
Doug who?
Doug good deeds and youll go to heaven!

Genetically discriminating – racistGeological correction – earthquakeGerontologically advanced – oldGovernment employee – stupidGrammatically challenged – one who has difficulties with grammar or (by extension) punctuation or spellingGravitationally challenged – fatHorizontally challenged – thinHorizontally gifted – fatIn denial – unaware that forgetting something obviously proves it happened in recovery – drunk/junkieIntellectually impaired – stupidLaw enforcement officer – policemanLiving impaired – deadMaintenance hole – man-holeMale gender biased – prefers men who shave their chestsMechanically challenged – broken down automobileMelanin-impoverished – whiteMetabolically challenged – deadMicroslothically challenged – windows userMonetarily challenged – poorMorally (ethically) challenged – a crookMorally handicapped – someone who has no other reason to park in a handicapped zoneMotivationally dispossessed – lazyMusically delayed – tone deafNasally disadvantaged – really big noseNasally gifted – runny noseNasally gifted – large noseNitpicklike – humor challengedOne who is pc – target practiceOntologically challenged – fictional or mythologicalOsmotically challenged – thirstyOther aged – too old/young (dual purpose)Outdoor urban dwellers – homelessParking enforcement aduciator – meter maidPeople of height – too tallPerson of region – redneck

Two fellows were talking in a bar when the first fellow says Hey, what you just said was a Fruedian slip!

The second fellow said What? I dont know what you mean

The first fellow said You know, when you say what you are thinking instead of what you wanted to.

The second fellow says I still dont know what you mean…

So the first fellow says You know, like when you are standing at an airline ticket counter being helped by a beautiful buxom blonde and you say Id like two pickets to Titsburg

The second fellow says Oh! Now I understand! That happens to me all the time. As a matter of fact, it happened to me yesterday when my wife and I were at the breakfast table and I meant to say Please pass the milk but what actually came out was You lousy bitch, youve ruined my life!!!