Old and New Jokes

Un muchacho muy jovencito se encuentra con un vecino al que todos lo saludaban y le decían el doctor, pero lo que el muchachito no sabía, era que el doctor era abogado.

Ese día el jovencito con cara de preocupado se le acerca y… muy timidamente le dice:

Doctor…

¿Qué le anda pasando jovencito?

La verdad, doctor, es que me duele un testículo.

Pero yo soy Doctor en Derecho, le responde el abogado.

A lo cual el joven con cara de sorprendido le responde:

¿Y cómo adivinó que me duele el izquierdo?

Why do men fart more than women?

Because women wont shut up long enough to build up pressure.

A bus driver was going the wrong way in a one-way lane, and a police officer saw him but never stopped him. Why not?

Because he was walking.

WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds translations

Light drinker means: Lush

Looks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad light

Loves Travel means: If youre paying

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

The lawyer replied, Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?

The doctor replied, Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.

The lawyer looked puzzled.

Gee, he asked, how do you start a flood?

When you are sure youre right, you have a moral duty to impose your will upon anyone who disagrees with you.

Q: Whats a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?

A: Hump me Dump me.

It was the wedding night for a young couple and the groom wanted everything
to be just perfect. He arranged to stay in the Honeymoon Suite of a plush
hotel, and he and his new bride eagerly jumped into the heart-shaped bed
to make love for the first time (at least for him). After making wild and
passionate love for a considerate length of time, they both reached the
climactic moment simultaneously, slipping into a state of utmost
relaxation. At this point, the groom reaches for the telephone.

What on earth do you think you are doing? asks the young bride

Well, I wanted everything to be perfect, so I thought I should call room
service for a bottle of their finest champagne, came the reply

Well, I used to date Arnold Palmer, and when Arnold and I finished making love
we would wait 10 minutes and make love again, the young groom was informed.

If thats what you are used to, I will be glad to comply… And 10 minutes
or so later the young couple was making wild and passionate love again. At
the culmination of this second lovemaking session, the young groom reaches
for the phone once again…

What on earth do you think you are doing? asks the young bride.

Like I said before, I want this to be a special occasion, so I was going to
call room service for that bottle of champagne.

Well, Arnold and I used to relax for 15 minutes or so, and then make love a
third time, came her reply.

So, once again, not wanting to disappoint his young bride, the groom relaxed
a bit and finally was capable of making love a third time. After this third
wild and passionate and somewhat time consuming session, the couple finally
reaches the climactic momement and returns to a relaxed state. Once again,
the groom reaches for the phone….

What on earth do you think you are doing? asks the young bride.

Calling Arnold Palmer to find out whats par for this hole!

< Keith R. Nauman > from my memory of jokes heard from friends and in bars

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long? The crow answered: Sure, why not. So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the no haggle attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, Maybe Ill just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price! The shopkeeper said, By all means, be my guest. Maybe youll luck out and catch yourself a big one! Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, Darn, this one isnt wearing any shoes either!