15
Jun

A short horror story

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wifes car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.

He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, What happened here today?

She again smiled and answered, You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?

Yes, was his incredulous reply.

She answered, Well, today I didnt do it.

15
Jun

Gates acquires the higher power (may be offensive to religious)

Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade God.

The new product is to be named Microsoft God, and will be available to consumers sometime in late 1998.

Too many people feel separated from God in todays world, said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsofts new Religions division. Microsoft God will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to Him, making Him not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with.

The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God, including:

Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshipper accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from competing products like Buddha or Allah.

Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft God with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord accessible from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It introduces several new Web technologies, including Dynamic Salvation and Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be donated via a Secure Alms Server.

Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows 95-based interface, this product will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of time. A Secure Prayer Channel technology will guarantee delivery of the prayer to Microsoft God servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new types of prayers with a minimum learning curve.

Microsoft Savior: This product will allow worshippers to transfer their sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval, the product will erase itself from the users system and establish a clear line of secure communications to the users Microsoft God server.

Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of complimentary products for the new Religions line, which will enhance the functionality of the Microsoft God server product by providing a customized user interface. These interfaces will be based on popular religious sects, allowing worshippers to interact with the new God product in much the same way as the previous version.

This line is expected to include Microsoft Christianity, Microsoft Catholicism, Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft Savior), etc.

14
Jun

Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?

Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof? More leg-room!

14
Jun

20 Years In Prison

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, finally finding her husband in the basement, crouched in the corner, facing the wall, and
sobbing.

Whats wrong with you? she asked him.

Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were sixteen?, he replied.

And remember he said I had two choices; I could either marry you, or spend the next twenty years in prison.

Baffled, she said, Yes, I remember, so what?

I would have been released today.

14
Jun

When the going gets tough,

When the going gets tough, the tough use duct tape.

14
Jun

Slogans that Never Caught On

Slogans That Never Quite Caught On



Charmin: Butt… Wipe… Err.



Microsoft: How much are you going to pay today?



Eggs: The Incredible Edible Ovum.



MTV: Loud and easy to spell.



Saks 5th Avenue: You Could Shop Here if Youre Poor, But That Would be Stupid.



Iguana: The other green meat.



Penis Enlargement Specialists: It Dont Mean a Thing If It Aint Got That Swing!



Nike: Just buy the damn shoes, you flabby spineless lump!



Daisy Air Rifles: Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years.



Canon Photocopiers: Quit calling them Xeroxes, dammit!



Pepto Bismol: Squash the Squirts!



Trojans: Just add meat.



Apple MacIntosh: Hey, we thought of it first!



Radio Shack: Youve got questions, weve got geek losers!



Professional Bowling on NBC: Oh, why dont you just go ahead and kill yourself instead?

14
Jun

Blondie

There are three girls in the Fifth Grade. There is a blonde a brunette and a redhead.

Which one is the probably the smartest?

If you guessed the blonde you were correct…. shes 19 years old!

14
Jun

Men are like…

Men are like bananas.

The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like the weather.

Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like blenders.

You need One, but youre not quite sure why.

Men are like commercials.

You cant believe a word they say.

Men are like department stores.

Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like government bonds.

They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like mascara.

They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like popcorn.

They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like lava Lamps.

Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13
Jun

El vendedor de helados regresa

El vendedor de helados regresa muy cansado a su casa y entrega a su esposa el dinero que recaudó en el día. La esposa ve el dinero y dice: Con este dinero nos vamos a morir de hambre. Te apuesto que yo mañana reuno mucho más.

Al dia siguiente muy temprano la señora sale a la calle con la carretilla de los helados.

Por la noche, la señora llega con una gran cantidad de dinero y el señor asombrado le dice:

¿Cómo le hiciste? ¡Se ve que vendiste una buena cantidad de helado!

Y la señora le responde:

Pues de lado, boca arriba, boca abajo…

13
Jun

Why was the policeman hiding under the bedsheets?

Because he was undercover. (haaha)