Old and New Jokes

Joe Sensitive – After I wash the dishes, lets cuddle, okay?

Also Known As: Mr. Nice Guy, Family Man, Honey, Darling, Snugglepup

Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts

Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

Old Man Grumpus – People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Lets stay home and watch TV.

Also Known As: Grumbles, Sour-Puss, Stick-in-the-Mud, Old Fogey, Jerk

Advantages: Stays put; predictable

Disadvantages: Pain in the butt

Flinchy – I–Im sorry for whatever it was I did.

Also Known As: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you

Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled

Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

Bigfoot – Shut yer trap, Im thinkin.

Also Known As: Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, The Hulk

Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled

Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

Lazybones – Zzzzzz

Also Known As: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Hobo, Bum, Sleepyhead

Advantages: Well rested; easy target

Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams

The Sneak – Who, me?

Also Known As: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, SOB

Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt

Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

Ace of Hearts – After I wash the dishes lets make love like crazed weasels.

Also Known As: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova

Advantages: Perpetually aroused

Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

The Dreamer – Someday Im going to be rich and famous. I dont know how, but …

Also Known As: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Story Teller, Fool

Advantages: Tells good stories

Disadvantages: Will turn into Old Man Grumpus

Mr. Right – While the servants wash the dishes, lets make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht.

Also Known As: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy

Advantages: Answer to a womans prayer

Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

Red Riding Hood (RRH) is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf, says RRH. The wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road RRH sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump. My what big ears you have Mr Wolf, says RRH. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the track RRH sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. My what big teeth you have Mr Wolf, taunts RRH.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams… Will you fuck off, Im trying to take a shit!

This recently discovered folio edition of Hamlet follows other known
versions closely until Act V, Scene II, where it begins to diverge at
line 232, as will be seen:

KING …Now the king drinks to Hamlet. Come, begin,
And you the judges, bear a wary eye

Trumpets sound. HAMLET and LAERTES take their stations

HAMLET: Come on, sir.
LAERTES: Come, my lord.

Enter FRED, DAPHNE, VELMA, SHAGGY, AND SCOOBY

DAPHNE: Wait!
SHAGGY: Stop the fight!

HAMLET and LAERTES put up their foils

KING: I like this not. Say wherefore you do speak?
FRED: Good lord, I pray thee, let thy anger wait.
For we, in seeking clues, have found the truth
Behind the strange events of latter days.
VELMA: The first clue came from Elsinores high walls,
Where, so said Hamlet, Hamlets ghost did walk.
Yet though the elder Hamlet met his death,
And perforce hath been buried in the ground,
Tis yet true one would not expect a ghost
To carry mud upon his spectral boots.
Yet mud didst Shaggy and his faithful hound
Espy, with footprints leading to a drop.
This might, at first, indeed bespeak a ghost…
Until, when I did seek for other answers,
I found a great, wide cloth of deepest black
Discarded in the moat of Elsinore.
Tis clear, the ghost used this to slow his fall
While darkness rendered him invisible.
FRED: The second clue we found, my lord, was this.
KING: It seems to me a portrait of my brother
In stained glass, that sunlight may shine through.
FRED: But see, my lord, when placed before a lantern–
KING: My brothers ghost!
HAMLET: My father!
VELMA: Nay, his image.
FRED: In sooth, that image caught the Princes eye
When he went to confront his lady mother.
Nor did his sword pierce poor Polonius.
For Hamlets blade did mark the castle wall
Behind the rent made in the tapestry.
Polonius was murdered by another.
The knife which killed him entered from behind.
LAERTES: But who?
FRED: Indeed my lords, that you shall see.
HAMLET: And if this ghost was naught but light and air,
Then what of that which I did touch and speak to?

The GHOST enters.

GHOST: Indeed, my son.
SHAGGY: Zoinks!
DAPHNE: Jenkies!
GHOST: Mark them not.
Thou hast neglected duty far too long.
Shall this, my murderer, live on unharmed?
Must I remain forever unavenged?

SCOOBY and SHAGGY run away from the GHOST. SCOOBY, looking backward,
runs into a tapestry, tearing it down. As a result, tapestries around
the walls collapse, one surrounding the GHOST.

GHOST: What?
FRED: Good Osric, pray restrain that ghost,
That we may reach the bottom of the matter.
Now let us see who truly walked tonight.

FRED removes the helm and the disguise from the GHOSTS face.

ALL: Tis Fortinbras!
FRED: The valiant prince of Norway!
FORTINBRAS: Indeed it is, and curses on you all!
This Hamlets father brought my own to death,
And cost me all my rightful heritage.
And so I killed this king, and hoped his son
Would prove no obstacle to Norways crown.
Then Claudius bethought himself the killer
(As if one might be poisoned through the ear!)
The brother, not the son, took Denmarks throne,
And held to Norway with a tighter grip.
I swore an end to Denmarks royal house.
I spoke to Hamlet of his uncles crimes.
Then killed Polonius to spark Laertes.
This day, with poisons aid, all might have died,
And Denmark might have come to me as well
As my beloved Norway and revenge.
My scheme blinded them all, as if by fog
But for these meddling kids and this their dog.

KING: The villain stands confessed. Now let us go.
For much remains to us to be discussed.
And suitable reward must needs be found
For these, our young detectives and their hound.

EXEUNT OMNES.

Copyright 1993, Michael S. Schiffer. Permission is hereby granted to post
this to the Usenet newsgroup rec.humor.funny. All other rights are reserved
to the author. To request permission to publish this in another forum,
electronically or on paper, please contact the author at mss2@tezcat.com.

Q: How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, and a lot of light bulbs.

Patty OFurniture.

Q. What do you call a condom filled with matzoh meal?

A. A Pesach-dick

Q: Why doesnt Osama have sex with his wives?

A: Every time they open their legs, he sees Bush staring back at him.

One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washingtons ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked –

George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?

Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did, advised George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom.

Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country? Clinton asked.

Cut taxes and reduce the size of government, advised Tom.

Clinton didnt sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows.

It was Abraham Lincolns ghost.

Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country? Clinton asked.

And Abe replied…Go to the theater!

WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS

1300.01 GENERAL

Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.

Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

It shall be unlawful to shout whiplash, ambulance, or free Perrier for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.

It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.

It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS

1.Yellow Bellied Sidewinder2
2.Two-faced Tort Feasor1
3.Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator4
4.Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only)3
5.Big-mouthed Pub Gut2
6.Honest AttorneyEXTINCT
7.Cut-throat2
8.Back-stabbing Whiner2
9.Brown-nosed Judge Kisser2
10.Silver-tongued Drug Defender$100 BOUNTY
11.Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian7

It was recess and the pre-schoolers came in. The teacher asked Susie what she did today. Well, I played in the sandbox, she said. The teacher said, If you can spell sand, Ill give you a fresh-baked cookie. So Susie did. Then Billy came in and the teacher asked what he did. I played in the sandbox with Susie, he said. If you can spell sand, Ill give you a cookie, the teacher said. So Billy did. Then the little Russian boy said, Well, I wanted to play in the sandbox, but Billy and Susie were throwing rocks at me. The teacher said, Well, that sounds like discrimination. If you can spell that, Ill give you a cookie.