Your Jedi robe is a Camouflage colour.
You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boones Farm Strawberry Hill.
You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.
At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. (cause todays the day the teddy bears have their picnic)
You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
You think that the Stormtroopers Elite Guards are just KKK members with really good sheets.
A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE FORCE.
Your master ever said My finger you will pull..hmmm?
You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.
The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didnt have to wait for a commercial. (Must try this one)
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
You have ever used a light-sabre to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.
Your father has ever said to you, Shoot, son come on over t the dark side … itll be a hoot.
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.
If character is not an issue, why isnt Ted Kennedy president?
He didnt make the cut.
A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on Observation.
He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. This, he explained, is
urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to colour, smell,
sight and taste.
After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into
his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust.
But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed,
and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put
it into their mouth.
After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. If
anyof you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put
my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth.
Filthy Stinking Rich … Well, Two Out of Three Aint Bad
I Used Up All My Sick Days … So I Called In Dead
Husband and Cat Lost … Reward for Cat
Be Nice to Your Children … Theyll Pick Your Nursing Home
Husbands Should Come With Instructions
Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time
Even If You Lead a Good Life, Go to Church and Say Your Prayers, Youll Still Go to Des Moines When You Die
Bigamy Is Having One Wife Too Many. Monogamy Is the Same
Im Not Suddenly a Dirty Old Man … Ive Been Practicing Since 1949
Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton
Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt
Learn from Your Parents Mistakes … Use Birth Control
If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees
A Nest Isnt Empty Until All Their Stuff Is Out of the Attic
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse … He Couldnt do Better and I Couldnt Do Worse
My Dog Can Lick Anyone
Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups
(On a baby-size shirt) Party
My Crib
Two A.M.
I Dont Suffer from Insanity … Im a Carrier
The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Harley
Im Not 50. Im $49.95 Plus Shipping & Handling
I Am the Person Your Parents Warned You About
That Was Zen; This Is Tao
Fifty Is the Ultimate F-Word
Aliens Have Examined My Internal Organs
Im on a 30-Day Diet. So Far Ive Lost 15 Days
Your Kid May Be an Honor Student, But Youre Still an idiot
When You Do a Good Deed, Get a Receipt, in Case Heaven Is Like the IRS
Sometimes I Fantasize That Im Rich Enough to Be a Republican
Disregard Last T-Shirt
I Do Whatever the Voices Tell Me to Do
Im Retired and This Is As Dressed Up As Im Gonna Get
Growing Old Is Mandatory … Growing Up Is Optional
Im Not 50 – Im 18 with 32 Years Experience
Parents of Teenagers Know Why Animals Eat Their Young
Goodbye Tension … Hello Pension
La verdadera felicidad está en las pequeñas cosas: una pequeña mansión, un pequeño yate, una pequeña fortuna.
La polÃtica se diferencia de la alpargata en que da lo mismo la izquierda que la derecha.
Lo importante no es ganar. Lo que importa es competir, sin perder ni empatar.
La verdad no es lo que importa… ¡Sino tener razón!
Tener conciencia limpia es signo de mala memoria.
El que es capaz de sonreÃr cuando todo le está saliendo mal, es porque ya tiene pensado a quien echarle la culpa.
RÃase sólo y el mundo pensará que usted es un idiota.
Si no puedes convencerlos, confúndelos.
El amor eterno dura tres meses.
No te metas en el mundo de las drogas… somos muchos y hay muy poca.
Todo tiempo pasado fue anterior.
El que nace pobre y feo tiene grandes posibilidades de que al crecer se le desarrollen ambas condiciones.
Toda cuestión tiene dos puntos de vista: el equivocado y el nuestro.
Soy vegetariano, por eso fumo marihuana.
La esclavitud no se abolió, se cambió a ocho horas diarias.
Si la montaña viene hacia ti… ¡Corre: es un derrumbe!
Colabore con la policÃa: péguese sólo.
La psiquiatrÃa/psicologÃa es el único negocio donde el cliente nunca tiene la razón.
Over a gynecologists office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." On a plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Dont sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" Door of a plastic surgeons office: "We can help you pick your nose!" On an electricians truck: "Let us remove your shorts." In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push." At an optometrists office: "If you dont see what youre looking for, youve come to the right place." In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. Well wait."
Every day a peddler pulled his cart of wool from his home to the village market. It was a long trip. He had to travel around the perimeter of a large lake that was owned by the town tycoon, a modern-day scrooge. One day during the winter the lake frozen over. The peddler realized that he could cut off two miles from his trip if he crossed over the lake. He was spotted halfway across the lake by the tycoon. Scrooge came racing out of his mansion and screamed at the peddler, Ill be darned if I let anyone pull the wool over my ice!
Two friends are out squirrel hunting whennthey encounter an angry bear. The bear is coming toward them and they know they cant stop it with their squirrel guns.
The first hunter says What are you going to do?
The second hunter says Im going to run like hell
The first hunter says Are you crazy? You cant outrun a bear!
The second hunter says I dont have to outrun that bear. I only have to outrun YOU!
If at first you dont succeed, your successor will.