Old and New Jokes

Positive Thinking for Christmas

Lately there’s been a lot of negative images and about Christmas conjured up. Usually it’s from TV, movies, books, and the Internet. This makes for a sad, dreary Christmas, just the opposite, as what it should be. To cheer up the dreariness, caused by these negatives, the following list should be used. First is listed the negative idea or image. Then is the positive thinking needed to replace those negatives. So with positive thinking everyone will have a Joyous and Happy Christmas Season.

1. Negative


On TV and in movies Santa Claus shown as a drunk being hauled of to jail.

Positive


Think of how easy it is to get a bicycle, instead of your usual lump of coal, by mugging Santa.

2. Negative


How Santa might not get to your house before morning, because of a blizzard.

Positive


How fast the sled and reindeer can fly with a 60 mile per hour tail wind.

3. Negative


Elfs going on strike and there are no toys in the stores to be given to you as presents.

Positive


The money you save by rewrapping the presents you received last year and giving as presents this year.

4. Negative


You are getting no presents because Santa is too fat to fit down the chimney.

Positive


Think of how the reindeers feel after pulling a fat guy around the world in one night.

5. Negative


Thinking of what strange things an old man is doing in your living room in the middle of the night.

Positive


Tape Santas visit and sell the tape as a video to a cable company that features New Rock Bands.

6. Negative


Grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

Positive


More presents for me.

7. Negative


Not getting presents, because the reindeers are sick and can’t pull the sled.

Positive


More deermeat for Santa.

8. Negative


How it’s really hard for Santa to get down the chimney with the fire burning full blast.

Positive


How easy it is for Santa to get up the chimney.

9.Negative


Santa and his reindeers getting shot down by a missile when coming into Canada from the North Pole.

Positive


Presents for the caribou.

10. Negative


How lonely Mrs. Claus gets with Santa away all Christmas Eve.

Positive


The one night a year to party with the Elfs.

There was this statistics student who, when driving his car, would always accelerate hard before coming to any junction, whizz straight over it , then slow down again once hed got over it. One day, he took a passenger, who was understandably unnerved by his driving style, and asked him why he went so fast over junctions. The statistics student replied, Well, statistically speaking, you are far more likely to have an accident at a junction, so I just make sure that I spend less time there.

You cant have everything, where would you put it?

A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.



When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman, I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip.



When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husbands club. When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing. She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.



The golf pro says to the woman, That is unbelievable, I didnt think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem…

How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

191. Put bricks in the middle of the room, and explain to him/her that you intend to make a fireplace to save electricity.

A young woman visiting the local zoo is grabbed by the gorilla and is dragged into his cage, whereupon she is savagely raped.

In the hospital, her girl friend asked her, Poor thing, how do you feel?

She answered, Horrible… He doesnt call… He doesnt write.

One of the joys of being an intro computer science instructor is the
pleasure of being evaluated by undergrads on a quarterly basis. Below
are a few of my favorites from among the many insightful comments I have
received.

Winter 1991:

Jeff made CIS 211 interesting. This is no small feat…

Compared to what I was told about you, you are better than I expected.

Autumn 1990:

I think in the future you should find an instructor who knows all
about Macs and who likes them. –Id rather use a better computer
than a different instructor, but to each his own.

Difficult course matter, takes a lot more than just class time to
learn. –I guess a number of courses dont require any time outside
class.

Tried to be funny–wasnt.

Spring 1989:

…he made the best out of an unbearable situation.

Incredibly boring. –Up until then, I hadnt realized I had a
credibility problem.

Jeff reminds me of Chevy Chase…. Im real glad he speaks English–
thats hard to find at OSU–I was really hoping to be compared to
Steve Martin or Gerald Ford.

Youre a great teacher, but I hate this class.

Maybe an eraser fight is in your future.

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the towns most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldnt you like to give back to the community in some way?

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, Um … no.

The lawyer interrupts, or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

or that my sisters husband died in a traffic accident, the lawyers voice rising in indignation, leaving her penniless with three children?!

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, I had no idea…

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, So if I dont give any money to them, why should I give any to you?

Trabajaban en la construcción de un edificio, un estadounidense, un italiano y un tontilandés.

De almuerzo, el yanqui siempre llevaba hamburguesas, y ya estaba tan enfadado que aseguró:

Si para mañana vuelvo a encontrar hamburguesas para almorzar, me suicido tirándome del edificio.

El italiano invariablemente llevaba espagueti de almuerzo, entonces dijo lo mismo que el yanqui; al tontilandés le sucedió lo mismo con su sándwich de crema de cacahuate.

Como al siguiente día, los tres llevaron para almorzar lo mismo de siempre, los tres se suicidaron.

Ya en el velorio, las esposas de ellos se encuentran platicando:

La estadounidense, lloriqueando, dice:

Fue mi culpa, por prepararle siempre hamburguesas.

Entre suspiros, la italiana asegura:

Fue mi culpa, por siempre prepararle espagueti para el almuerzo.

Y la esposa del tontilandés, con voz entrecortada, se lamenta:

¡Ay, mi marido siempre se preparaba su almuerzo!

Rose West was in her cell awaiting trial and was pretty much down in the dumps.

The prison guard, feeling a bit sorry for her, told her that he and his mates were having a bit of a party upstairs and that she could join them for a while and have a few drinks. He said that there was Gin, Whiskey, Vodka, or anyhing she wanted.

She said that she did not drink spirits.

The guard then said that there was also cans of Harp, Smithwicks, or Guinness if she was interested.

She then said: Oh Im not so keen on those, but I could murder a few Tennents!