A Jew, a Catholic and an Episcopalian were standing at the gates of Hell.
Satan came out, and looked them over.
Why are you here? he asked the Jew. I ate pork, the Jew admitted.
Okay, come on in, replied Satan. Then he turned to the Catholic.
What are you doing here? Satan asked the Catholic. I ate meat on Friday
long before His Holiness said it was okay, the Catholic answered. Well,
then, come in, Satan said.
Then he looked at the Episcopalian. Why on earth are you down here?
Satan asked. The Episcopalian hung his head in shame as he answered,
I used the wrong fork.
Posted in Religious |
Standing at the pearly gates of heaven, Albert noticed pointing to two paths. One was marked Women and the other marked Men. He took the path assigned to men.
There were two more paths, one marked Married Men, the other Unmarried Men. Because Albert had been married he took the corresponding path and then came upon two more gates.
The right-hand gate had a sign that read Men Who Were Dominated By Their Spouses; the other gate read Men Who Were Not Dominated By Their Spouses. The first gate had an endless line of chaps waiting, but only one little guy stood before the second gate.
Albert found this very interesting, so he walked up to the little guy standing all alone and asked, Why are you standing at this gate, a little guy like you?
The smallish fellow replied, I have not any clue. My wife told me to stand here.
Posted in Religious |
The Perfect Day According To…
HER
8:45 – Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 – 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30 – Light breakfast
11:00 – Sunbathe
12:30 – Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 – Shopping
2:30 – Run into husbands ex – notice shes gained 30lbs.
3:00 – Facial, massage, nap
7:30 – Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 – Make love
11:30 – Pillow talk in his big strong arms
HIM
10:00 – Wake up
10:02 – SEX
10:10 – Big Breakfast
11:30 – Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
2:15 – Enormous lunch with BEER
3:15 – SEX
3:25 – Play sports with the guys
4:30 – Drink BEER with the guys
6:30 – Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:40 – SEX
6:50 – Huge dinner, more BEER
8:00 – Fall asleep with BEER watching TV while dreaming of having SEX with Claudia Shiffer
11:00 – Full on, get down, gorilla SEX, more BEER
11:10 – Sleep
2:30 – Fart
Posted in General / Unsorted |
I download something from Napster and the same guy I downloaded it from starts downloading it from me when Im done.
I message him and say: What are you doing? I just got that from you!!!
Getting my song back you fucker!
Posted in Foul Language |
A guy and his son go into a bar. The son is just a head though. The man asks the bartender for two shots. The man takes one shot and gives the other one to his son. The son swallows down the drink and out pops an arm.
The man thought,Hey this is good. So he asks for two more shots. He drinks one and gives the other to his son again, and out pops another arm.
The man the asks for a double and gives it to his son. The son throws it down and suddenly explodes.
The bartender looks over at the man and says, Looks like he should have quit while he was ahead.
Posted in Bar |
A Scot meets a friend at a train station and explains hes off to Glasgow on his honeymoon.
His friend asks, And just where is your wife.
Shes seen Glasgow. the groom replied.
Posted in General / Unsorted |
There is this good ol barber in some city in US. One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies, I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I am doing a community service.
The florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank You card and a dozen roses waiting at his doorstep. A cop goes for a haircut next and when he goes to pay the barber, the latter replies, I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I am doing a community service.
The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank You card and a dozen donuts waiting at his doorstep. An Indian software engineer goes for a haircut after that and while paying, the barber tells him, I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I am doing a community service.
The next morning, when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there!
A dozen Indians waiting for a free haircut!
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Posted in General / Unsorted |
To prove he wasnt a chicken.
Posted in Riddles |