Old and New Jokes

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying hed be back if they didnt close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Una mujer y un cura en el confesionario:

Padre, por favor béseme los senos.

Mujer blasfema, esos senos con que das de lactar a tus hijos, ¡10 padres nuestros y diez avemarías!

Al rato, después de rezar las plegarias:

¡Padre, métamelo por la boca, por favor!

¡Mujer inmunda!, con esos labios besas a tus hijos, ¡50 padres nuestros y 50 avemarías!

Padre, yo le rezo todo lo que quiera ¡pero sáqueme el pene del culo que me duele¡

Una maestra llevó a sus alumnos al zoológico; cuando se detuvieron enfrente de la jaula del chango, vieron que éste se metía semillas por el culo antes de comérselas. La maestra, muy enojada, va a reclamarle al director del zoológico:

¡Óigame imbécil, el simio degenerado que tienen se mete las semillas por el culo y luego se las come! ¿Qué no se da cuenta que esa es muy mala imagen para los niños?

Discúlpeme señora, pero si usted estuviera en el lugar del chango haría exactamente lo mismo.

¡Mire tarado, yo no soy así de cochina! ¿Por qué dice que haría lo mismo?

Hace dos meses un grupo de niños vino al zoológico y le tiraron al mono un mango… ¡el pendejo se lo comió entero y después lo tuvimos que operar del culo porque no le podía salir el hueso del mango!

A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. No problem, the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.

Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.

The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

The ozone layer or cheese in a spray can…
Dont make me choose.

My 71 year old father just had open heart surgery after experiencing a heart attack. After the surgery, the doctor told him that he couldnt have sex for 3 months.

My dad asked, Do the last two months count?

There was an Englishman an Irishmanand a Scotsman. They all worked on the top of a cliff and the Englishman said, “If Ihave cheese in my sandwich tomorrow Ill jump off this cliff!”

The Irishman said, “If I haveham tomorrow, Ill jump off the cliff!”

The Scotsman said, “If I have jam in mysandwich tomorrow, Ill jump off the cliff!It was the next day, and they all had tojump off as the Englishman had cheese the Irishman had ham and the Scotsman hadjam!&quot A week later, it was the funeral and theScottish lady and the English lady said, &quotWhy didnt they just tell us they didnt like whatwe put in their sandwiches?&quot

And the Irish lady said, “I dont know why my husband jumped offthe cliff he made his own sandwiches!”

Nike now lets you personalize your shoes by submitting a word or phrase
which they will stitch onto your shoes, under the swoosh. So Jonah Peretti
filled out the form and sent them $50 to stitch SWEATSHOP onto his shoes.

Heres the responses he got… let the fun and games with Nike begin.

Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Your NIKE iD order was cancelled for one or more of the following reasons:

Your Personal iD contains another partys trademark or other
intellectual property
Your Personal iD contains the name of an athlete or team we do not
have the legal right to use
Your Personal iD was left blank. Did you not want any
personalization?
Your Personal iD contains profanity or inappropriate slang, and
besides, your mother would slap us.

If you wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization
please visit us again at www.nike.com <http://www.nike.com/>

Thank you, NIKE iD

From: Jonah H. Peretti

To: Personalize, NIKE iD <nikeid_personalize@nike.com>

Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Greetings,

My order was canceled but my personal NIKE iD does not violate any of the
criteria outlined in your message. The Personal iD on my custom ZOOM XC USA
running shoes was the word sweatshop. Sweatshop is not:

anothers partys trademark,
the name of an athlete,
blank, or
profanity.

I choose the iD because I wanted to remember the toil and labor of the
children that made my shoes. Could you please ship them to me
immediately.

Thanks and Happy New Year, Jonah Peretti

From: Personalize, NIKE iD <nikeid_personalize@nike.com>

To: Jonah H. Peretti

Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD Customer,

Your NIKE iD order was cancelled because the iD you have chosen contains, as
stated in the previous e-mail correspondence, inappropriate slang. If you
wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please visit
us again at nike.com

Thank you, NIKE iD

From: Jonah H. Peretti

To: Personalize, NIKE iD <nikeid_personalize@nike.com>

Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD,

Thank you for your quick response to my inquiry about my custom ZOOM XC USA
running shoes. Although I commend you for your prompt customer service, I
disagree with the claim that my personal iD was inappropriate slang. After
consulting Websters Dictionary, I discovered that sweatshop is in fact
part of standard English, and not slang. The word means: a shop or factory
in which workers are employed for long hours at low wages and under
unhealthy conditions and its origin dates from 1892. So my personal iD does
meet the criteria detailed in your first email.

Your web site advertises that the NIKE iD program is about freedom to
choose and freedom to express who you are. I share Nikes love of freedom
and personal expression. The site also says that If you want it done
right… build it yourself. I was thrilled to be able to build my own
shoes, and my personal iD was offered as a small token of appreciation for
the sweatshop workers poised to help me realize my vision. I hope that you
will value my freedom of expression and reconsider your decision to reject
my order.

Thank you, Jonah Peretti

From: Personalize, NIKE iD <nikeid_personalize@nike.com>

To: Jonah H. Peretti

Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD Customer,

Regarding the rules for personalization it also states on the NIKE iD web
site that Nike reserves the right to cancel any personal iD up to 24 hours
after it has been submitted.

In addition, it further explains: While we honor most personal iDs, we
cannot honor every one. Some may be (or contain) others trademarks, or the
names of certain professional sports teams, athletes or celebrities that
Nike does not have the right to use. Others may contain material that we
consider inappropriate or simply do not want to place on our products.
Unfortunately, at times this obliges us to decline personal iDs that may
otherwise seem unobjectionable. In any event, we will let you know if we
decline your personal iD, and we will offer you the chance to submit
another.

With these rules in mind, we cannot accept your order as submitted. If you
wish to reorder your NIKE iD product with a new personalization please visit
us again at www.nike.com <http://www.nike.com/>

Thank you, NIKE iD

From: Jonah H. Peretti

To: Personalize, NIKE iD <nikeid_personalize@nike.com>

Subject: RE: Your NIKE iD order o16468000

Dear NIKE iD,

Thank you for the time and energy you have spent on my request. I have
decided to order the shoes with a different iD, but I would like to make one
small request. Could you please send me a color snapshot of the ten-year-old
Vietnamese girl who makes my shoes?

Thanks, Jonah Peretti

(No response)

As one forwarder writes:

…this will now go round the world much farther and faster than any of the
adverts they paid Michael Jordan more than the entire wage packet of all
their sweatshop workers in the world to do… I normally avoid making a plea
to pass on these things, but this time I say:

Just do it.

Q: How come a Jack-o-lantern cant have a baby.

A: Because he has a hollow weenie

A man was experiencing chronic infections so he took his urologists advice and entered the hospital for a routine circumcision. When he came to, he was perturbed to see a large group of doctors standing around his hospital bed.

Whats up doc? he asked nervously.

Uh, well … theres been a bit of a mix-up, admitted his surgeon. Im afraid that instead of a circumcision, we performed a sex-change operation on you. You now have a very nice vagina instead of a penis.

What! gasped the patient. You mean Ill never experience another erection?

Oh, Im sure you *will*, reassured the doctor, only itll be somebody elses.