Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Mary!
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!

Un granjero estaba dando instrucciones a su esposa antes de salir de compras al pueblo.

El veterinario va a venir esta tarde a inseminar a una de las vacas. Puse un clavo en el establo junto a la vaca para que sepas cual es la que quiero que insemine.

Seguro de que incluso su tonta esposa podría seguir sus instrucciones, el granjero salió al pueblo.

Por la tarde llego el inseminador y la esposa lo condujo al establo, directamente donde se encontraba el clavo. Esta es la vaca, dijo ella.

Oiga, ¿y el clavo para qué es?

¡Supongo que para que cuelgue sus pantalones!

Its out of my control.

Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going.

Really bad, said the second bee, the weather has been really wet and damp and there arent any flowers or pollen, so I cant make any honey

No problem, said the first bee, Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. Theres a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit.

Thanks for the tip said the second bee and flew away.

A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked, Howd it go?

Fine, said the second bee, It was everything you said it would be.

Uh, whats that thing on your head? asked the first bee.

Thats my yarmulka, said the second bee, I didnt want them to think I was a wasp.

Definitely from the B list… 🙂
Origin unknown.

Q: Why are lawyers buried twelve feet in the ground instead of six?

A: Because deep down they are really nice people.

There was this bartender & he was working at the bar one night. In walked a group of blondes & they were chanting 44 days! 44 days! One of the blondes was carrying a picture puzzle of Cookie Monster in a frame. The bartender leaned towards the blonde holding the puzzle and asked, Why are you chanting 44 days? She set down the puzzle on the counter and said, A lot of people think us blondes are dumb, so to show them, we bought this puzzle and put it together. It said 1-3 months but we completed it in 44 days!

LIFE UNDER THE SEA

What is life like under the sea? Is it a dogfish eat dogfish world? Is everyone united for a common porpoise? Or do they all split off in their own special groupers? Well, one tragic story indicates its not so perfect down there.

There was once a brilliant sturgeon on the staff of the community health fishility. He was in fact one of its flounders. Wiser than salmon, a fin fellow who would never shrimp from his responsibilities, he was successful and happy and always whistled a happy tuna.

One day one of his patients, a mere whipper snapper, started trouting around telling everyone the sturgeons treatments had made him more eel than he had been and the conked him with a malpractice suit.

Well, the sturgeon was in a real pickeral. The board chased him off the staff and demanded his oyster. But fortunately the case smelt to high heaven so the judge denied the plaintiffs clam.

The board tried to hire the sturgeon back but by then he had hit the bottlenose pretty hard. But whats really shad about the story is that the sturgeon ended up on squid-row…

A seven-year-old horse was entered in a big money race which it proceeded to win by seven lengths. The track manager called the owner and said, Your horse is seven years old and won by seven lengths. Why havent you raced him before? We would have, responded the owner, but we didnt catch up with him until last Tuesday.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Disaster!
Disaster who?
Disaster be my lucky day!

How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?

None – it should be open when she brings it to you!