En un autobús, un borrachÃn cede el asiento a una hermosa señora. Al poco rato, ella se descubre el pecho y le da de comer al niño. El beodo, avispado le dice:
Señora, no me lo va a creer, hic, pero su hijito me acaba de invitar a desayunar, hic.
What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
See you next month!
A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road. The truck driver made it a
practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by.
One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road.
Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but…then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a whump and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field.
He turned to the priest and said, Father, Im sure that I missed that lawyer.
And the priest replied, Thats OK, my son, I got him with the door.
Everybody is somebody elses weirdo.
First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary.
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
Theyve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator! he cried out. The police were dumbfounded and dispatched an officer to the scene.
However, before the police arrived, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.
Never mind, he said with a hiccup, I got in the back seat by mistake!
A Jewish family invited their Redneck neighbors over for holiday dinner.
The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced, This is soup made with matzoh balls.
On seeing the 2 large matzoh balls in the soup, the redneck man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently, the Jewish couple urged him to, Just have a taste. If you dont like it, you dont have to finish it.
Finally he agrees. He digs his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup in the spoon, and tasting it gingerly. The usual mmmm sound can be heard coming from somewhere deep in his chest, and he quickly finished the soup.
That was delicious, he said, but I was wondering…
Can you eat any other parts of the matzoh?
There were two guys sitting in a plane. The one guy says lets play a game, Ill ask you a question if you get it right I give you 5 dollars.
So the other guy says fine if you get it right, I give you 50 dollars, if you get it wrong you give me
5.
The guy says ok.
He asks him what his name was the guy didnt know it so he payed him 5 dollars.
So the other guy asks what goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with
4.
He thinks and thinks but doesnt know so he pays him 50 dollars.
He asks what does go up ahill with 3 legs and comes down with
4.
The guy hands him 5 dollars.
A person wanted a parrot who talked. Going to the pet store, this lover of talking parrots asked if there was a bird who was already speaking.
Yes, the pet store owner said, this bird has a vocabulary of about 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions.
The deal was made and the parrot was brought home complete with a cage. The next day the purchaser went back and said the parrot had yet to say a word.Â
Thats to be expected, said the pet shop owner. Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here for the bird to use in the shop. It just needs to feel at home with you. Toys were purchased and a day went by. The parrots owner returned and said there still had been no talking.Â
I see, said the pet shop owner. Perhaps if you got a bird bath, the parrot would start to talk while using it. A bird bath was purchased and yet another day went by. The next day the owner was back with the same complaint. This time the pet shop owner mentioned that sometimes the bird had been praised in its training by being allowed to ring a little bell.
The parrots owner bought the bell reluctantly. The following day the parrots owner was there waiting as the store opened. Still no luck? asked the store owner.
No. Nothing said yet, answered the birds owner. Well, I bet the birds just lonesome for some of the birds here at the shop. What? You want me to buy another bird!?! yelped the unhappy owner of the parrot.
No, no, calm down, reassured the store owner. All you have to do is get a mirror and the bird will think it has a companion.
At last the sale of a mirror was agreed upon. The pet store owner the next day opened the store and found the troublesome customer had returned … this time with the parrot, only it was dead! What happened? asked the store owner, Didnt the bird ever talk?Â
Yes, right before it died it said: Whats the matter? Dont they sell birdseed at the pet store anymore?
This elderly couple is sitting on a park bench if from of a large pond. Across the other side of the pond are vendors sell all types of food stuff. The wife turns to hubby and say, I could really go for an ice cream cone.
Hubby replies, Well, Ill go get you one.
Wife says, But, youll forget, you better write it down.
Hubby replies, No I wont; what do you want?
Wife says, Get me a Strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles.
Hubby replies, Okay, strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles. See, Ill remember.
Several hours pass and, finally, the hubby returns.
The wife asks him, What took you so long, did you get lost.
The hubby replies, No, and I got what you wanted.
The wife opens the bag to discover a cheeseburger and fries?!
Wife says, I knew you you should have written the order down.
Hubby says, What do you mean – every thing is there?
To which the wife replies, No, its not…look, you forgot the pickles!