Old and New Jokes

A note left for a pianist from his wife: Gone Chopin, (I have the Liszt), be Bach in a Minuet.

This couple happened to be driving through the State Park when they past a sign stating Dont feed the animals.

while driving alittle further they happen upon another sign stating Dont touch the animals.

While proceeding alittle further they happen across another sign stating Dont kill the animals.

Just then a thumping occurs under the car. They stop and the husband gets out to see that they have run down a skunk. As he peers up, he sees a park policeman on patrol heading towards them and grabs the skunk, throwing it in on his wifes lap. He jumps back into the car and his wife screams at him What am I suppose to do with this?

Put it under your dress, he says.

But it stinks, she replys.

Well plug its nose, he says.

A girl goes on a blind date.



The blind date hadnt been all that great, and she was relieved the evening was finally over.



At her apartment door, her date suddenly said, Hey! You wanna see my underwear?



Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasnt wearing any underwear.



She glanced down and said, Nice design – does it also come in mens sizes?

Any issue worth debating is worth avoiding altogether.

I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.
I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a cab, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.
When I came home I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.
I have nothing, nothing to hide.
My friend, he took me for a ride.
Did you take this persons life?
Did you do it with a knife?
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not anytime.
Did you hit her from above?
Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above.
I cannot even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, not anytime.
And now Im free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn.
And to my family whom I love.
Hey now Im free — Give back my glove!!

PlateICNCYDU
MeaningI see inside you, a radiologists plate

PlateCYIMBRK
MeaningSee Why Im broke, found on a cherry 95 ford 3/4 ton truck

PlateOH2B39
MeaningA woman in her early 50s has had this plate for about the last ten years

PlateYURNEXT
MeaningOn the car of an undertaker

Plate1DFOAL
MeaningWonderful (On a Ford Mustang. Get it? Foal as in baby horse)

Plate4SAFETY
MeaningOn a Volvo, what else?

Plate9MPGWOW
Meaning9 Miles Per Gallon, Wow! On a 1966 Cadillac Sedan DeVille

PlateAV8RX
MeaningAviatrix (female pilot)

PlateKPASAMDK
Meaning(Que) Pasa MD [Whats up Doc?]

PlateTOOLONG
MeaningOn a Lincoln super-long limo owned by Super Limousine, Seattle, WA.

PlateW8N4FRI
MeaningWaitin for Friday…join the club!

PlateWNDWS95
MeaningWindows 95, On a customized 95 Chevy Astro Van

PlateXKWIZIT
MeaningExquisite, on a 56 speedster

PlateZMEGOBYU
MeaningSee me go by you!

PlateCME4AD8
MeaningSee me for a date

PlateCME4DK
MeaningSee me for decay, on a dentists car

Two buddies were walking down the warf one day.Jack asked Joe what is 99+347.Well Joe said,thats easy boy,thats 446.Joe boy your getting some smart Jack said.Well Jack I been eating smart pills.You got anymore Joe.Yes I got More.So then Joe puts his hand down the ass of his pants and takes one out and gives it to jack.Then Jacks says my Joe,this tastes like shit.Joe says well Jack,your getting smarter already.

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

What is it, child?

Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, My dear, I have good news. That isnt a sin… its simply a mistake.

Once again, our female staff will be offering courses to men of any marital status. Classes will be limited to 10, as course material may prove to be difficult. To register please contact your nearest grade school.

Thank You

Combating Stupidity
You Too Can Do Housework
P.M.S. – Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray
We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas – Give us Money
Understanding The Female Response To Your Coming In At 4 AM
Parenting – No It Doesnt End With Conception
Get A Life – Learn How To Cook
How Not To Act Like An Asshole When Youre Obviously Wrong
Spelling – Even You Can Get It Right
Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
You – The Weaker Sex
Reasons To Give Flowers
How To Stay Awake After Sex
Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere But The Bathroom
Garbage – Getting It To The Curb
Sex 101 – You Can Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try
Sex 102 – The Morning Dilemma – If Its Awake Take A Shower
Sports And The Weekend Are Not Synonymous
How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
How To Go Shopping With Your Wife And Not Get Lost
The Remote Control – Overcoming Your Dependence
Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes
How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
Honestly – You Dont Look Like Mel Gibson – Especially When Naked
Changing Your Underwear – It Really Works
The Attainable Goal – Omitting *#@&#!^ From Your Vocabulary
Fluffing The Blankets After Farting Is Not Necessary
Real Men Ask For Directions

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majestys Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, s will be used instead of the soft c. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard c will be replaced with k. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome ph will be replaced by f. This will make words like fotograf 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent es in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing th by z and w by v

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary o kan be dropd from vords kontaining ou, and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru!