Old and New Jokes

What men know about women.

Youve tried to quote Jeff Foxworthy and screwed it up.

You name your car the General Lee.

You see a sign that says bridge out and you try to jump it.

What do you call a gay Jewish person? A He-Blew!

Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing
breathlessly into a lengthy speech.Mom, this is Susan and Im sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because Im going to be a little late getting home. See, Dads car has a flat but its not my fault. Honest! I dont
know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please dont be mad, okay?Since I dont have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake.Im sorry dear, I replied, but youve reached the wrong number. I dont have a daughter named Susan.Gosh, Mom, the young womans voice replied, I didnt think youd be *this* mad!

Is it true that cannibals dont eat clowns because they taste funny?

If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them?

Isnt Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that I do is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesnt it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and drycleaners depressed?

A black man enters a bar with his gorilla. He says to the bartender, I would like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here.

The bartender looks at him like hes nuts and says, I sorry but I dont serve Gorillas in this bar.

The man has an idea. He takes his girlfriend home and shaves her head, gives her a wig, dress, and makeup. Then he returns to the same bar. He places the same order and this time the bar tender gives it to them.

They go and sit in a corner while the bartender turns to his friend and says, Damn! Did you ever notice how all the good looking Iraqi ladies that come in here, always seem to be with black men.

A student comes to a young professors office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

I would do anything to pass this exam. She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. I mean… she whispers, …I would do…anything.

He returns her gaze. Anything?

Anything.

His voice softens. Anything??

Absolutely anything.

His voice turns to a whisper. Would you…study?

Why did God give woman nipples?

To make suckers out of men.

Q: How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One–but he has to wait until the light is better.

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?