Old and New Jokes

Un borracho que caminaba se tropezaba con todos los postes de la vereda y un transeúnte le dice:

Pero, ¿qué está haciendo?

¿Puede contar cuántos chichones tengo?

12 chichones.

Entonces me faltan 2 postes para llegar a mi casa.

A doctor, an architect and a polotician were arguing over the oldest profession in the world.

The doctor said it was his job because Eve was created from Adams rib, a surgical procedure.



The architect said it was his job because before that there was chaos and the world was made from this chaos with an architect.



Then the polotician said And who do you think caused all this chaos?

You mamma is so fat . . .

Her high school graduation photo was an aerial photograph.

5. If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles.

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small
house. He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese man with a
long grey beard.

Im lost, said the man, Can you put me up for the night?

Certainly, the Chinese man said, but one condition. If you so much as lay
a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese
tortures known to man.

OK, said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well,
and entered the house.

Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and
had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as well,
as she couldnt keep her eyes off of him during the meal. Remembering the
old mans warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a
night of passion. Near dawn, he quietly crept back to his room so the old
man wouldnt hear, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large
rock on his chest with a note on it that read: Chinese Torture 1: Large
rock on chest.

Well, thats easy, he thought. If thats the best the old man can do then
I dont have much to worry about.

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he
did so, he noticed another note on it that read: Chinese Torture 2: Rock
tied to left testicle.

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close
to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he
jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted toward the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that
read: Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post.

What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

A DICTATOR!!

Mother Teresa is walking around Heaven one day as she notices Princess Diana passing by. What a lovely woman, Mother Teresa thought, doing all those wonderful things for the sick and starving of our world. As Princess Diana passes by, Mother Teresa notices that Dianas halo is much bigger than that of her own. I had dedicated my entire life on earth to those sick and hungry, and her halo is bigger than mine?! So, Mother Teresa decides to go find St. Peter and ask him about her problem.



Upon hearing the problem, St. Peter smiles a little and reassures Mother Teresa that,Its not a halo; thats the steering wheel.

Twas the Night of Thanksgiving

Twas the night of Thanksgiving, But I just couldnt sleep.

I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep

The leftovers beckoned — The dark meat and white,

But I fought the temptation with all of my might.



Tossing and turning with anticipation……

The thought of a snack became infatuation…..

So I raced to the kitchen, Flung open the door,

And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,

Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.



I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,

Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground !!



I crashed through the ceiling. Floating into the sky….

With a mouthfull of pudding and a handful of pie,

But I managed to yell as I sored past the trees…….



HAPPY EATING TO ALL !!



PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE !!

Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.

A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.