Old and New Jokes

EXCERPTS FROM A DOGS DIARY

Day number 180
8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

Day number 181
8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
4:00 pm – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

Day number 182
8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!
10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!
11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!
1:30 pm – ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!
5:00 PM – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!
5:30 PM – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CATS DIARY

DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their
feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top
of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and r

Reasons its good to be a man

Movie nudity is virtually always female.

You know stuff about tanks.

Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.

You can open all your own jars.

When clicking through TV channels, you dont have to stall on every shot of someone crying.

Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.

Guys in hockey masks dont attack you.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

You can kill your own food.

The garage is all yours.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

The National College Cheer leading Championship.

If youre 34 and single, nobody notices.

You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest.

You can be President.

Flowers fix everything.

You never have to worry about other peoples feelings.

You get to think about sex 90 percent of your waking hours.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

The world is your urinal.

You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.

You get to jump up and slap stuff.

One mood, all the time.

You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.

Same work… more pay.

You dont have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.

With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earths population in 15 tries, at least in theory.

You dont cry off others desserts.

If you retain water, its in a canteen.

The remote is yours and yours alone.

People never glance at your chest when youre talking to them.

You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.

Bachelor parties beat the shit over bridal showers.

You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

Someday youll be a dirty old man.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.

There is always a game on somewhere.

You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because youre not in the mood.

You think the idea of punting a small cat is funny.

If something mechanical doesnt work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.

Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: So… notice anything different?

Baywatch.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

All your orgasms are real.

Un día, un culo se desprende y camina hacia dentro. Se encuentra con los intestinos y les pregunta:

¿Cómo se llaman ustedes?

Somos los intestinos, le responden.

Más arriba se encuentra al hígado y le hace la misma pregunta.

Yo soy el hígado, responde la víscera.

Sigue caminando y se encuentra al corazón:

¿Cómo te llamas?

Yo soy el corazón.

¡Ahhhhhh, a ti te andaba buscando, desgraciado, hijueputa, mal nacido!

La víscera cardíaca, aturdida y asombrada, alcanza a decir:

Pero, ¿por qué? ¿Qué te hecho?

¡Cómo qué que me has hecho! ¡Maldita madre, pedazo de cabrón, claro, a ti te enamoran y a mí me lo meten!

That annoying time between naps.

[Picard] Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to
access their command pathways?

[Geordi] Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through
our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.

[Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.]

[Riker looks puzzled.] What the hell is Microsoft?

[Data turns to answer.] Allow me to explain. We will send this program,
for some reason called Windows, through the Borg command pathways. Once
inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources
at an unstoppable rate.

[Picard] But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Wont they alter their
processing systems to increase their storage capacity?

[Data] Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as an upgrade. The use of resources increases
exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt
quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken
over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.

[Picard] Excellent work. This is even better than that unsolvable
geometric shape idea.

. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

[Data] Captain, We have successfully installed the Windows in the
command unit and, as expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all
resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected
upgrade.

[Geordi] Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU
capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an upgrade to
compensate for their increase.

[Picard] Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is
something we have missed.

[Data] Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the
upgrade. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by
not sending in their registration cards.

[Riker] Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
emergency escape sequence 3F . . .

[Geordi, excited] Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has
suddenly dropped to 0% !

[Picard] Data, what do your scanners show?

[Data] Apparently the Borg have found the internal Windows module
named Solitaire and it has used up all the CPU capacity.

[Picard] Lets wait and see how long this solitaire can reduce their
functionality.

. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

[Riker] Geordi, whats the status on the Borg?

[Geordi] As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to
compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they
successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space
monitor beacon to transmit more windows modules from something called
the Microsoft fun-pack.

[Picard] How much time will that buy us ?

[Data] Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest
time span of 6 more hours.

[Geordi] Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.

[Picard] Identify.

[Data] It appears to have markings very similar to the Microsoft logo

[Over the speakers] THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP
MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS
SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10
SECONDS

[Data] The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
thousands of humanoid shaped objects.

[Picard] Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft

[Riker] Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the
Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures
of deep space ?!

[Data] I dont believe that those are humans sir, if you will look
closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized
by twenty-first century man as doe-skin leather briefcases, and wearing
Armani suits

[Riker and Picard together horrified] Lawyers !!

[Geordi] It cant be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling
into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.

[Data] True, but apparently some must have survived.

[Riker] They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all
types of papers.

[Data] I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as red tape. It
often proves fatal.

[Riker] Theyre tearing the Borg to pieces !

[Picard] Turn off the monitors. I cant stand to watch, not even the
Borg deserve that.

Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, What is politics?

Dad says, Well son, let me try to explain it this way: Im the breadwinner of the family, so lets call me capitalism. Your Mom, shes the administrator of the money, so well call her the Government. Were here to take care of your needs, so well call you the people. The nanny, well consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, well call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nannys room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics

now.

The father says, Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.

The little boy replies, Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo.

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, Now, theres the biggest horses ass Ive ever seen. A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. Shes a horses ass too, the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. Damn it! the man said, climbing back up to the bar. This must be Bush country! Nope, the bartender replied. Horse country!

There were three men standing at the Pearly Gates of Heaven when Saint Peter met them and asked, What would each of you like to hear your relatives or friends say at your funeral? The first man answered, I am a renowned doctor and I would love to hear someone say how I had been instrumental in saving someones life. The second man replied, I am a family man and a school teacher. I would like to hear someone say what a great husband and father I was and that I had made a difference in some young persons life. The third man said, Wow guys, those are really great sentiments but I guess if I had my choice I would rather hear someone say, LOOK!!! HES MOVING!!!

Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words defeat, deduct, defense, and detail. Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply:

Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail!