A man was told by his physician that he had only six months to live. Doc, he said, is there anything I can do?
Yes, replied the doctor. First, give all your possessions to the poor. Next, move to a cold-water shack in the backwoods. And then marry a woman with nine young children.
Will this give me more time?
No – but itll be the longest six months of your life!
Theres a Marine, an Airforce Commando, a Navy Seal and a Green Beret sitting around a campfire telling each-other how mean and tough they are.
The Marine says – I can swim 50 miles and bite the head off a live chicken. One Marine is worth 5 other men.
The Airforce Commando says – I can clear runways one-handed and kill a man with my bare hands. One Airforce Commando is worth 10 other men.
The Navy Seal says – Yeah? Well I can dive up to 90 feet without air, and Im an expert in demolitions. One Navy Seal is worth 13 other men.
The Green Beret just sat there all this time saying nothing, stirring the fire with his dick.
A farmer and his daughter were coming back from town with their money from some sales and a large sack of flour when all of a sudden these highway men held them up and robbed them of everything.
A few minutes later the farmer exclaims, Were ruined, all the moneys gone and theres no flour for bread.
Then his daughter says, No, papa, I hid the money in my U-know-what.
The farmer said, Youre a good girl, but if your mama was here she could have saved the sack of flour as well!
A couple were celebrating their Golden Wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of the long and happy marriage.
Well, it dates back to our honeymoon, explained the husband. We visited the Grand Canyon and took at trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadnt gone too far when my wifes mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, Thats once. We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, Thats twice. We hadnt gone half a mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife took her little Derringer pistol out of her pocket and shot the mule.
‘I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, Thats once.’
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Honda!
Honda who?
Honda the spreading chesnut tree…!
The rest are huntn peckers.
In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying, It is a crock of shit, and it stinks.
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, It is a pail of dung, and we cant live with the smell.
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects.
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good. And the Plan became Policy.
And this is how shit happens.
It was the first day of 3rd grade, and a new school for Johnny. As a test, the teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50.
Some did very well, counting as high as 30 and 40 with just a few mistakes.
Others couldnt get past 20.
Johnny, however, did extremely well. He counted past 50, right up to 83. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, Thats because you are from Arkansas, son.
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. Most made it about half way through without much trouble. Some made it to M and N, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet right to W.
That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, Son, thats because you are from Arkansas.
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly well endowed. This confused him. That night he told his dad, Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because Im from Arkansas? he asked.
No, son, explained his Dad, Thats because youre 18.
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the ship
Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip:
The phasers were hung in the armory securely,
In hope that no alien would get up that early.
The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks
(Except for the few who were partying drunks)
And Picard in his nightshirt, and Bev in her lace,
Had just settled down for a neat face to face. . .
When out in the hall there arose such a racket,
That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pant and jacket.
Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,
Leapt into the turbos and shouted Deck One!
The bridge red-alert lights, which flashed through the din,
Gave a lustre of Hades to objects within.
When, what on the viewscreen, our eyes should behold,
But a weird kind of sleigh, and some guy who looked old.
But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew,
That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.
His sleigh grew much larger as closer he came.
Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name:
Its Riker, Its Data, Its Worf and Jean-Luc!
Its Geordi, Weasley, the genetic fluke!
To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hull!
Now float away! Float away! Float away all!
As leaves in the autumn are whisked off the street,
So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,
And up to the ceiling, our bodies they flew,
As the captain called out, what the Hell is this, Q?!
And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.
The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.
Then Q, dressed in fur from head to toe,
Appeared once again, to continue the show.
Thats enough! creid the captain, Youll stop this at once!
And Riker said, Worf, take aim at this dunce!
Im deeply offended, Jean-Luc, replied Q,
I just wanted to celebrate Christmas with you.
As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.
He dumped out the contents and took a step back.
Ive brought gifts, he daid, just to show Im sincere.
Theres someting delightful for everyone here.
He sat on the floor, and dug into the pile,
And handed out gifts with his most charming smile:
For Counselor Troi, theres no need to explain,
Heres Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
For Worf Ive some mints, as his breaths not too great
And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date.
For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-plus;
For Data, a joke book, for Riker a truss.
For Beverly Crusher, theres sleek lingerie,
And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of just seeing her that way.
And he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face,
And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space.
But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, God, weve decided that we no longer need you. Were to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why dont you just go on and get lost.
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, Very well, how about this, lets say we have a man making contest.
To which the scientist replied, OK, great!
But God added, Now, were going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.
The scientist said, Sure, no problem and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God just looked at him and said, No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!