Old and New Jokes

Why are some married men like candles?

Because they occasionally go out at night when they should not.

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and your job?

A: Your job still sucks after 6 months

A panda bear walks into a bar, and tells the bartender that he wants to have lunch. The bartender gives him a menu and he orders.

The panda bear eats his lunch, and when he finishes, he gets up to leave. Suddenly, the panda bear pulls an AK-47 out of his fur, and shoots the bar to pieces. He then heads for the door.

The shocked bartender jumps out from behind the destroyed bar and yells, Hey, what do you think youre doing? You ate lunch, shot up my bar, and now youre just going to leave?

The panda bear answers calmlly, Im a panda bear. The bartender says, Yeah, so? The panda bear replies, Look it up, and walks out the door.

The bartender jumps back behind the ruined bar and grabs his encyclopedia. He looks up panda bear, and sure enough, there is a picture of the panda bear.

He reads the caption, which says, Panda Bear–a cuddly, black and white creature. Eats shoots and leaves.

What is the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyers in the road? There are skid marks in front of the snake.

That little bastard Little Johnny was passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his parents in the act.

Before his Dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, Oh boy! Horsey ride. Daddy can I ride on your back?

Daddy, relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon his mummy starts moaning and gasping and Johnny cries out, Hang on tight, Daddy. This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!

You might be a redneck if your ma has ever run out of the bathroom and said Yall come look at this fore I flush it.

Q:Whats the difference between a golf ball and a G-Spot?

A:A bloke will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball!!

Thou shalt not commit adultery…..unless in the mood.

A recent poll found that 50% of all lawyers graduated in
the bottom half of their class.

Whats the difference between a womens track team and a tribe of pigmees?

The pigmees are a bunch of cunning runts.