Old and New Jokes

Start off every day with a smile and get it over with.

There was a young fellow who emigrated from Russia to Texas. He worked hard and prospered. He had a good life and sent for his father to join him.


His father looked like a religious Jew. The son decided hed be happier if his appearance were more that of a native Texan. So, he brought him into a barbershop and had his beard shaved off. He then had him fitted with a tall Texan hat.


After all that, he noticed his father was crying. When his son asked why, his dad relied, Im crying because we lost the Alamo.

A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

The genie said, OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month, and Im getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three… You only get one wish!

The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, Ive always wanted to go to Hawaii, but Im scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?

The genie laughed and said, Thats impossible!!!

Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete — how much steel!! No, think of another wish.

The man said, OK, Ill try to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, Ive been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I dont care and that Im insensitive.

So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside, and what theyre thinking when they give me the silent treatment. Know why theyre crying, know what they really want when they say nothing,, know how to make them truly happy.

The genie said, Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?

A group of Surds were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole.

So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and theyre falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures – the whole thing is just a mess.

A passer-by comes along and sees what theyre trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the Surds and walks away.

After the person has gone, one Surd turns to another and laughs. What a nut, were looking for the height and he gives us the length.

About a century or two ago, the Pope challenged the Jewish community of Rome to a debate.The Jews looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the rules of debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, I give up. This man is too good. The Jews win.An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible. What happened? they asked.Well, said Moishe, first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared

I got this off of another mailing list, and though you do have to be somewhat familiar with Depeche Modes music in order to fully appreciate this, I thought I would forward it anyway…

-Dan Aeschliman

Statement of Thesis

(sung to the tune of Depeche Mode – Personal Jesus)

Your own statement of thesis

Something to help you write

Something of might

Your own statement of thesis

Something to help you write

Something youll spite

Feeling depressed

When you take the test

You may just snap

Cause you just write crap

Dont forget your bluebook

The proctors give you dirty looks

Taking the test

Of issues addressed

Things on your chest

They cant be repressed

I will be prudent

Im only a student

Reach out and touch page

Reach out and touch page

Your own statement of thesis…

Feeling depressed

When you take the test

You may just snap

Cause you just write crap

Dont forget your bluebook

The proctors give you dirty looks

I will be prudent

Im only a student

Reach out and touch page

Your own statement of thesis

Reach out and touch page

-Chuckles

(icamacla@sdcc13.ucsd.edu)

El alcalde de una pequeña ciudad se reune un día con los directores de escuelas de la ciudad para discutir el asunto de la drogadicción en los adolescentes y tratar de poner punto final a este problema.

Al final de la junta quedan en que se reunirán otra vez en dos meses más para ver cómo ha progresado el proyecto.

Pasaron dos meses:

Estamos aquí reunidos para comprobar si hemos logrado reducir la cantidad de adolescentes con problemas de drogadicción en nuestra ciudad. dijo el alcalde, y luego continuó dirigiendose especialmente al rector número 1: Por favor cuentenos su experiencia.

Bueno, en mi liceo habían 1000 alumnos de los cuales 150 se drogaban, y ahora hay sólo 30 que lo hacen.

Oh, esos son magníficos resultados, por favor explíquenos como lo hizo dijo el alcalde.

Bueno yo dibujé dos circulos en la pizarra, uno chico y otro grande, luego les dije a mis alumnos: este circulo grande es el cerebro de un alumno que no usa drogas y este circulo pequeño es el cerebro de un alumno drogadicto.

Oh que buen método, ahora es su turno director número 2, cuéntenos su experiencia dijo el alcalde contento por los resultados obtenidos por el primero.

En mi liceo son 1500 alumnos de los cuales 300 se drogaban, ahora ya nadie es drogadicto.

¡Es impresionante!, pues por favor le ruego que me explique como lo hizo, este método hay que globalizarlo dijo eufóricamente el alcalde.

Bueno yo al igual que mi colega dibujé un circulo chico y uno grande en la pizarra, y después le dije a mis alumnos: este circulo chico es el hoyo del CULO de un alumno que no ha entrado a la carcel por drogadicción y este circulo grande es el HOYO del CULO de un alumno que entró a la carcel por drogadicción.

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mic, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mic cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.



After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, If he gets loose, will he hurt us?

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wifes soul, your childrens souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, So, whats the catch?

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.



A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.



Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Viciou Animal, he starts writing in his notebook.

But Im not a Giants fan, the little hero replied.



Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were. said the reporter and starts again.

Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack he continued writing in his notebook.

Im not a Jets fan either, the boy said.



I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets.

What team do you root for? the reporter asked.

Im a Cowboys fan. the child said.



The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,

Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet!