Old and New Jokes

Each year the Washington Posts Style Invitational asks readers to take any
word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter and supply a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesnt get it.Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)Karmageddon: Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad
vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and its like, a seriousbummer.Glibido: All talk and no action.Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come
at you rapidly.
And, the pick of the literature:Ignoranus: A person whos both stupid and an @$$hole.

A little boy was in school, he raised his hand and asked the teacher to go to the bathroom. The teacher said, “First you have to say your abcs.” So the kid says, “abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz.” The teacher says, “You forgot the P. Wheres the P.” And the boy says, “running down my leg.”

Un día cualquiera se mueren tres amigos en un accidente automovilistico. Los tres llegan al cielo al mismo tiempo, ante San Pedro, y éste les dice:

Aquí en el cielo todos andan en vehículos y la calidad del vehículo a conducir depende de qué tan bueno hayan sido en la vida. En eso, señalando al primer hombre, le dice:

Tú, Jorge, por haber traicionado a tu esposa con otras 20 mujeres, andarás toda la eternidad con un incómodo auto compacto en mal estado, despintado y lleno de abolladuras.

Al segundo hombre le dice:

Tú, Ramiro, por haber traicionado a tu esposa con otras 5 mujeres andarás en un Toyota 89, en buen estado, pero con ciertas fallas.

Y al tercero le dice:

Y tú, Marvin, por nunca haber traicionado a tu esposa andarás en una Limosina de lujo, equipada con toda la tecnología de punta que pueda llevar un auto, chofer privado, teléfono, etc.

Los tres hombres se van con sus autos a andar por las calles celestiales atestadas de todo tipo de medios de transporte. Un día, después de cuatro meses, por coincidencia los tres amigos se encuentran en un semáforo. El que llevaba la Limosina estaba llorando amargamente. Los otros dos, extrañados, le preguntan: ¿Por qué lloras si andas en el mejor auto del cielo y vives muy cómodamente? A lo que él responde:

Es que acabo de ver a mi esposa en patineta.

Once upon a time there was a kid in the 2nd grade. one day his teacher told him to say the ABCs by tomorrow, so when he got home after school he asked his dad what is the first letter of the alphebet? he said shutup so he goes to his sisters room and shes on the phone he asks whats the second letter of the alphebet? and she says uh ha uh ha uh ha. so next he goes into his brothers room whos watching Batman and asks whats the 3rd letter of the alphebet? he says dun nun nunu BATMAN! so he goes into the kitchen where his mom is cooking dinner and he asks whats the 4th letter of the alphebet? she says my buns are burning, my buns are burning! so then the next day he goes to school and his teacher asks say the alphebet and he says shut up. so she says do u want to go to the princapals office? he says uh ha uh ha uh ha, so he is in the princapals office and he asks who do u theink you are? then he says du nanana BATMAN! and the princapal pattals his behind, and the kids screams my buns are burning my buns are burning!

I remember the 60s, so – at least according to one expert (Wavey Gravy, social commentator and DJ) on the subject – I wasnt THERE. When the 60s recalled these days, its usually done to point out how angry, vulgar and hateful a time they were. The image is a bit overblown.

At least when it comes to Christmasy things, the 60s werent all bad. Charlie Schulz gave us A Charlie Brown Christmas back then and thats when the Grinch first became famous.

I seem to recall a cycle of whimsically ironic humor from back in the 60s. Now, by whimsically ironic I mean Jokes that would come from the lips of a Jonathan Winters rather than pen of a P. J. ORourke. Anybody remember these? Anybody remember others?

Look, I dont care what star youre following, get them blasted camels off my lawn!

Ho, ho, ho yerself, little fat guy, the hooves of those animals are chewing up my shingles something fierce!

RULES MEN WISH WOMEN KNEW:

If you think youre ugly, you probably are. Dont ask us.

Learn to work the toilet seat; if its up, put it down.

Dont cut your hair. For any reason. Ever.

If you ask a question you dont want an answer to, expect an answer you dont want to hear.

Sometimes were NOT thinking about you. Live with it.

Dont ask us what were thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as wax worms vs. grubs, the shotgun formation and carburetors.

ANYTHING you wear is fine. Really.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but dont expect us to like it.

Ask us for what you want. Subtle hints dont work.

No, we DONT know what day it is. We never will.

Mark anniversaries and birthdays on a calendar.

Yes, whizzing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. Were bound to miss sometimes.

Yes and No ARE perfectly acceptable answers.

A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor.

Check your oil.

Dont give us rules.

Dont fake it. Wed rather be ineffective than deceived.

Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

All comments become null and void anfter 2 days.

Dont rub the lamp if you dont want the genie to come out.

You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus didnt need directions, and neither do we.

Women wearing low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

Sunday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be!

Three guys, the American captain, an Australian and a Japanese guy are shipwrecked on an island.

On reaching shore, the American asks the Australian to find a good spot for a camp.

He turns to the Japanese guy and says to go into the bush and get supplies.

Ill scout the island and well meet at the camp at dusk, said the captain.

The captain returns to find the Australian has set up camp but the Japanese guy hadnt returned.

Wheres that Jap with the supplies? said the captain.

The night passes and still there is no sign of the Jap with the supplies, so they go looking for him.

They scout the whole island but cant find him.

Just as they are returning to camp, the Jap jumps out from behind a tree and shouts, Surplize, surplize.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ilona!
Ilona who?
Ilona Ranger!

Una vez, un señor necesitaba empleo, entonces hojeó los empleos disponibles en el diario y vió:

Se buscan personas que sepan hacer cosas raras.

Inmediatamente fue al lugar y le preguntaron que cosa rara sabía hacer, entonces el dijo:

Bueno, yo sé hacer como pájaro.

Pero no sea ridiculo, ¿y a nosotros qué nos importa una persona que sepa hacer como pájaro? ¡váyase! ¡fuera!

Y se fue volando…