Old and New Jokes

Q: What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About five drinks.

One day there was a little puppy dog laying beside one of the rails on a railroad track.

He fell asleep,and while he was sleeping his tail ended up on the rail, and by that time a train came along and cut off the very tip of his tail. He looked around to see what happen and the train cut off his head.

Do you know what the moral of the story is?

Dont lose your head over a little piece of tail!

How do you starve an [ethnic] man?

Hide his food stamps in his work boots.

From Late Show with David Letterman – Friday, November 11, 1994

Top Ten Signs Youre On A Bad Date

10. When you agreed to go out with him he was governor, and now hes just some guy who works in a car wash.

9. Every few minutes, his face falls into his eggs.

8. She asks you to hold her clothes while she mambos with a guy named Pedro.

7. Her Wonderbras on backwards.

6. Just as everythings starting to go great, youre both asked to return to your cells.

5. Its costing you $

3.00 a minute.

4. You order a double Whopper and he says, My name aint Rockefeller, honey.

3. Waiter taking your order asks, And what can I get for your sorry-ass date?

2. Hes drunk, all hands, and keeps bragging about how he whipped Mitt Romney.

1. He wont stop screaming Pataki! (reference to New York Governor-Elect George Pataki)

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

Why do blondes take the pill?

So they know what day of the week it is.

A blonde got a family farm from her grandparents so sh didnt no wat to name it so she goes to the city and says the first word i hear is wat ill name it so the first word she heard was butt so she named it butt so she buys a dog and doesnt know wat to name so she goes to the city and says the first word i hear is wat ill name it the first word she heard was crack so she named it crack the next day she lost her dog so she goes to report at the police station and saysi looked all over my butt and i cant find my crack.

lol sign samantha

Theres a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. Its called marriage. — James Holt McGavran

No matter how hard you try, you cant baptize cats.
When your Mom is mad at your dad, dont let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, dont hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You cant trust dogs to watch your food.
Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
Dont sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
School lunches stick to the wall.
You cant hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Dont wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandmas lap.