Moisha and Esther Rabinowitz move into a highly Orthodox community in Monsey, and want to join a local shul. They seem appropriate for the community, and the Rabbi comes to their house to make certain that everything in the house
meets requirements.
All of the mezuzahs are in place and have been certified. Good.
The kitchen has two stoves, two refrigerators, two dishwashers, two prep areas, two sinks, but has five sets of dishes and five sets of flatware.
The Rabbi says, Four I can understand, Pesach meat and dairy, Non-Pesach meat and dairy. So, what do you need the fifth set for?
Esher answers, For Traif.
Posted in Jewish |
We crept up on easily startled people and asked …
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!!!
(36%) Aaahhhhrrgg!!
(28%) Im … Im … Im …
(13%) Chlorine! Eleven! I dont understand!
(10%) (Fainted)
(7%) Im Caroline … Caroline … Oh, shit I cant remember!
(6%) B … B … But its my house!
Copyright © 1999-2002, SatireWire.
Posted in Foul Language |
Worf signs his son Alexander up for ballet lessons.
Data swears.
Guinan removes her hat, revealing that she is a Saturday Night Live
style Conehead.
Picard beams down.
All of Geordis lines are in words of two syllables or less, with no
pseudo-scientific doubletalk.
Troi runs amok with a machete.
Barclay is really the Captain; Picard is just an ensign, and all of his
command has been a holodeck simulation.
No guest stars are relatives of Tasha Yar.
Geordi gets a woman.
Riker doesnt get a woman.
Data states that he cannot use contractions after using one in the
previous scene, and the fabric of the universe, unable to withstand the
continuity error, is rent asunder.
Picard wakes up muttering theres no place like home.
Riker accepts command of another starship, the U.S.S. ZZ Top.
Ten Forward is turned into a strip-joint, with its lead act being Beverly
Crusher as The Dancing, Disrobing Doctor.
Tired of not being sure whether he is a lieutenant or a chief petty
officer, OBrien beams the entire bridge crew into a black hole and assumes
the rank of Captain.
Picard fires the phasers.
Prime Directive is the word of the day, entire crew goes Aaaaahhhhh!!
at the top of their lungs whenever it is mentioned.
Datas cat, Spot, is revealed as a Romulan spy.
Wesley is affected the same as the rest of the crew, and a no-name
security guard saves the ship.
Picard switches from Earl Grey to Nestea Instant Tea Mix; does Nestea
Plunge into swimming pool on holodeck.
Posted in Doctor |
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Aardvark!
Aardvark who?
Aardvark a hundred miles for one of your smiles!
Posted in Knock-knock |
Una pareja asiste a una exposición ganadera y entra a la subasta de toros de crianza. El subastador anuncia el primer animal que será subastado:
Este es un magnÃfico ejemplar. Este toro se reprodujo 60 veces en el último año.
La esposa le pica las costillas al marido reprochándole:
¡Ves, son más de cinco veces en un mes!
Anuncian el segundo astado:
¡Otro fino semental, esta maravilla se reprodujo 120 veces el último año!
Otra vez la mujer le dirige al marido:
¡OÃste, son diez veces al mes! ¿Qué te parece eso?
El hombre empieza a sentirse molesto con la comparación cuando anuncian la subasta del tercer semental:
¡Y este extraordinario ejemplar se reprodujo 360 veces en un año!
La esposa golpea al marido en el brazo y espeta:
¡Una vez por dÃa, todos los dÃas del año! ¿Qué dices a eso?
El marido ahora está realmente furioso y grita:
¡Seguro, una vez al dÃa, pero pregúntale al subastador si todas las veces fueron con la misma vaca!
Posted in Chistes chistosos |
Llega un hijo reciente de Lucifer al infierno, y arriba a la sala de castigo, y se encuentra que hay dos tipos de castigo, la multinacional y la mexicana.
Se acerca a la primera y pregunta cual es el castigo que aplican en ese lugar y obtiene como respuesta, que primero lo sientan en una silla eléctrica, luego lo acuestan en una cama de clavos y al final del dÃa le aplicaran cien latigazos en la espalda.
Espantado corre a la ventanilla, del infierno mexicano, donde observa una cola de espera muy larga, y le pregunta al ultimo de la fila, que cual es el castigo que aplican en el infierno tricolor. El cuestionado le dijo que los mismos que en la otra sala, con la diferencia de que en el asadero mexicano, nunca hay luz, la silla eléctrica no sirve, los clavos de la cama se los robaron y el diablo azotador viene, firma y se va.
Posted in Chistes chistosos |
A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, Ill display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what youve learned.
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford? His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, Dont tell your father, but yes, I would.
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt.
His sister looks up and says, Omigod! Definitely!
The kid goes back to his father and says, Dad, I think Ive figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two millions bucks, but in reality, we are living with two whores.
Posted in General / Unsorted |
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
But officer, the man began, I can explain.
Just be quiet, snapped the officer. Im going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.
But, officer, I just wanted to say,…
And I said to keep quiet! Youre going to jail!
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, Lucky for you that the chiefs at his daughters wedding. Hell be in a good mood when he gets back.
Dont count on it, answered the fellow in the cell. Im the groom
Posted in General / Unsorted |
Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the cells
The convicts were locked up
All madder than hell
Except for the lifers
Kicked back in their bunks
Heads filled with visions
Of fat little punks
When suddenly from the roof top
There arose such a roar
That the bulls thought it was
A riot for sure
The goon squad ran in
And stood ready to hit
A big guard yelled out
Who started this shit
It came from the roof top
Snivelled a snitch
It must be a breakout
Oh, son of a bitch
They climbed to the roof
By way of the stairs
Found a fat little freak
In red underwear
No, No yelled the dude
I bring you good cheer
Damn said the Captain
We found us a queer
Alright mother fucker
Get your hands on the wall
They shook him down good
Asshole and all
They beat him and threw him
Into the hole with a kick
Well so much for Christmas
They locked up St. Nick
Posted in Foul Language |