Old and New Jokes

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time – why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE ARENT:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box

7. If I have to lick one more, Ill gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!

5. HMMMMM, I think its out of fluid!

4.My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.

3. Its an entry-level position.

2. When do you think youll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty, but at the office isnt:

1. its not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM ARENT:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge.

8. Counselor, lets do it in chambers.

7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offence?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in a law firm isnt:

1. Think you can get me off?

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF ARENT:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I cant get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty, but in golf isnt:

1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first.

Tips on Love (by kids, 5-10 years of age):

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?? Eighty-four, Because at that age, you dont have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.(Judy, 8)

Once Im done with kindergarten, Im going to find me a wife.(Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?? On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.(Mike, 10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?? You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause shell want to have videos of the wedding. (Jim, 10)

Never kiss in front of other people. Its a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.(Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?? Its better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them(Lynette, 9)

It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. Im just a kid. I dont need that kind of trouble.(Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. Thats why perfume and deodorant are so popular.(Jan, 9)

I think youre supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isnt supposed to be so painful.(Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.(Roger, 9) If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I dont want to do it. It takes too long.(Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE If you want to be loved by somebody who isnt already in your family, it doesnt hurt to be beautiful.(Jeanne, 8)

It isnt always just how you look. Look at me. Im handsome like anything and I havent got anybody to marry me yet.(Gary, 7)

Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time. (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS They want to make sure their rings dont fall off because they paid good money for them.(Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE Im in favor of love as long as it doesnt happen when Sesame Street is on television.(Anita,6)

Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me. (Bobby, 8)

Im not rushing into being in love. Im finding fourth grade hard enough. (Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills. (Ava, 8)

SOME SURE FIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores. (Del, 6)

Dont do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention aint the same thing as love. (Alonzo, 9)

One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure its something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.(Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF 2 ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE? Just see if the man picks up the check. Thats how you can tell if hes in love.(John, 9)

Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food.(Dave 8)

Its love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because its just like how their hearts are… on fire. (Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY I LOVE YOU The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.(Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.(Doug, 7)

It might help to watch soap operas all day. (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? Its never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. Thats why I stopped doing it.(Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work. (Tom, 7) Dont forget your wifes name. That will mess up the love. (Roger, 8)

Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.(Randy, 8)

A doctor walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to write with it.



Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said…

Well thats great, just great… some assholes got my pen!

Youve ever called a secretary or waitress Tootsie.

A woman who was diagnosed as being terminally ill was told she needed a brain transplant using a 1-1/2 pound brain.

She was also informed that a 1-1/2 pound brain of a surgeon would cost $500 and the 1-1/2 pound brain of a movie star $600.

She replied that since her father had been a famous lawyer she would prefer a lawyer brain. That’s fine, she was told, but that will cost you $10,000.

What? she replied incredulously.

If a surgeons brain only costs $500, why does a lawyer’s brain cost $10,000?

Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to get 1-1/2 pounds of brain? the doctor replied.

The bride lay in bed on the first night of their honeymoon while her husband stood at the bedroom window, gazing at the stars.

Come to bed, darling, she whispered after some time had passed.

Not likely, replied the blonde groom, my mother told me that this would be the best night of my life and Im not going to miss a minute of it.

Im sending this card to tell you

That taxes have taken away

The things that I really needed –

My workshop, my reindeer, my sleigh,

Now Im making my rounds on a jackass,

Hes old, hes crippled, hes slow,

So youll know if I dont see you at Xmas,

Its cause Im out on my ass in the snow.

Llega un joven con tatuajes, el pelo parado y de colores, con aretes en la nariz, las orejas, la lengua y el ombligo; una camisa de Metálica y le dice el papá:

No, tú no puedes ser mi hijo.

Yo sé que algún día te ibas a dar cuenta, le responde el menor.

Q. Why did the male sheep fall off the cliff?

A. He didnt see the Ewe turn!