A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if hes okay.
No, Im not, the guy replies.
I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend.
Well, asks the bartender, what did you say to your wife?
Nothing. Im not speaking to that bitch anymore.
Well, what did you say to your best friend?
BAD DOG! BAD DOG!
Yo mama so fat she put on high heels and they became sandals.
A young woman dressed in shorts had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help … and to complain. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, Why are you back in so early? Whats wrong? I was stung by a bee, she said
Where?, he asked.
Between the first and second hole, she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, Then your stance is too wide.
A man and a woman are in a hotel and are about to have sex. They already have all of their clothes off and are in the bed when the woman says, I want a pack of cigarettes.
The man says, You want a pack of cigarettes… before? She says, Ya, Ill concentrate better if I have a smoke.
The man says, OK, and goes to get a pack of cigarettes. He doesnt think to get dressed because it is so late. He goes to the cigarette machine and decides to buy two packs just in case. He starts heading back to his room when he sees three nuns. He poses as a statue and hopes theyll pass by.
The nuns come over to him and since they had never seen a naked man they thought he was a vending machine. The first nun searches for the trigger mechanism and pulls his johnson. Startled, he drops a pack of cigarettes. The second nun does the same and he drops the other pack of cigarettes. When the third nun executes the maneuver she says, Look girls it has lotion, too!
En una ocasión, en la selva, el rey león decidió hacer una fiesta diciendo que a la medianoche todos tenÃan que hacer el amor con la pareja que estuvieran bailando. A las doce en punto, el rey león da la orden y todos se van a hacer el amor.
Al otro dÃa todos se juntan para platicar su historia. Pero un changuito se queda callado mientras los otros hablaban. Entonces, le pregunta el tigre:
Eh, ¿tú porque no hablas?
No, pinches fiestas culeras que hacen.
¿Por qué?
Pues yo a la media noche estaba bailando con la jirafa, y entre dame un beso y agárrame las nalgas se me fue toda la noche.
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there were two evil friars living outside this small village. The friars had tried unsuccessfully to overtake and capture the town, but finally this time, they believed they had hit upon a foolproof scheme that would allow them to rule the village. They had, through mad scientist experiments in their floral shop, come up with a plant that would devour the townspeople one by one until none were left. They set forth to put their plan into action by planting the man-eating plants so they encircled the village.
As the plants rapidly grew, they began devouring everything living in their path. The townspeople grew frightened; who or what would save them from their eminent doom? Finally, the towns elder remember Hugh, a woodcutter who lived on the outskirts of town. Frantically, the townspeople penned a desperate plea for help, tied it to the leg of a pigeon, and directed the bird toward Hughs cabin.
Meanwhile, outside of town, Hugh had received the note from the townspeople, and realizing they were in grave danger, set forth to do what he needed to do. He honed his mightiest axe to razor-sharpness, grabbed his hat, and off he went.
Chopping his way through the dense vines, he single-handedly destroyed the carnivorous plants one by one, until all were destroyed. Then he set out to rid the village of the evil friars, chasing them out of town. The town was saved!!! The people rejoiced and knighted Hugh for his brave and timely efforts to save the village!!!
And the moral of the story is:
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
The attached was sent to me by a medical associate. Its not terribly funny but somewhat amusing. All I can say is: OUCH!!!
One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to say that he needed a doctor who took care of mens problems. The patient was pale, febrile, feverish and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of torn, black and blue scrotal skin.
After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts and two or three yards of foul smelling stained gauze, wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum.
Amid the matted hair, edematous (swollen) skin and various exudates, I saw some half buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were. Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked and he had closed the laceration himself with a heavy duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one inch staples of the type used to put up wall board.
We X-rayed the patients scrotum to locate the staples, admitted him to the hospital and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad spectrum antibacterial therapy, and hexachloro-phene sitz baths prior to surgury the next morning. The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement (removal old dead skin) of the left side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rust staples were retrieved and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed (ripped or torn out) and was missing. The stump of the spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided, and the vessels litigated (tied off) properly, though not much of a hematoma (pocket of blood) was present. Through and through Penrose drains (7) were sutured loosely in site and teh skin loosely closed.
Convalescence was uneventful and before his release from hospital less than a week later, the patient confided the rest of his story to me. An unmarried loner, he usually didnt leave the machine shop at lunchtime with his co-workers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive belt of a large floor based piece of machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum suddenly became caught between the pulley wheel and the drive belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and resumed work.
I can only assume that he has abandoned this method of self gratification.
A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.
The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out whats going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, Pardon me. May I help you with something.
The blind man says, No thanks. Im just looking around.
You dont have to wine and dine a beer
If you go to a bar, you can always pick up a beer
You can enjoy a beer all month long
If you pour a beer right you will always get head
You can go right to sleep after having a beer