After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, Mom, Ive decided Im going to be a minister when I grow up.
Thats okay with us, the mother said, But what made you decide to be a minister?
Well, the boy replied, Ill have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.
When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?
USA Today:
WERE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal:
DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer:
O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy:
GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal:
APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victorias Secret Catalog:
OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated:
GAME OVER
Wired:
THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone:
THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest:
BYE
Discover Magazine:
HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide:
DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Ladys Home Journal:
LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW ARMAGEDDON DIET!
America Online:
SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. magazine:
TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
Microsofts Web Site:
IF YOU DIDNT EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE,DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE
Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A: A subordinate claus.
A: Air pockets.
A Horse walks into a bar:
Hey buddy, says the bartender, why the long face?
Hi. Im Mike. Id like to (sex) tell you about some weird psychological phenomenon (sleep with me) that has been in the media forefront (Im your love slave) in the past few years. Im talking about subliminal suggestion.
Subliminal suggestion (buy me a car) is a technique in which the subconscious is made aware of a concept by having it exposed (and a stereo) to them too fast or in a way the the conscious mind can pick (you want me) up. Thus, the person so suggested (my room 8PM tonite) finds himself doing something that he ordinarily wouldnt do (bring clean sheets).
This technique was often seen being used (Ill get the champagne) in movie theatres, where one frame of a film would have a message like Buy the popcorn. (and the condoms). This one frame goes by so fast the the conscious mind cant possibly assimilate it (I have incredible stamina), but many believe that the subconscious picks it up and causes the mind (I really want you) to act on it.
Does it really (all night is not out of the question) work? Who knows … (and we can bring the stuffed animals and the jello and the peanut butter and the nylon rope and watch I Love Lucy reruns and do things that theyll have to invent new names for when were done and then we can sleep for 3 hours and do it all again) The jury is still out on that one.
Thanks for your time and patience.
Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.
Two monologues do not make a dialogue.
A waste.
During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife.
She had him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon!