Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Luther!
Luther who?
Luther the silver lining!

Q: How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok. Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things wrong . . . have you tried the light switch?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Orson!
Orson who?
Orson around again!

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that
she would send someone out right away.Where do you live? asked the operator.Bubba replied, At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.The operator asked, Can you spell that for me?There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, How bout if I drag her over
to Oak Street and you pick her up there?

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Una pareja de homosexuales, ya formalizados, estaban durmiendo juntos. Uno le dice al otro:

¡Ay, mi amor! Hoy amanecí con un dolor en el culo, revísame para ver que tengo.

No, mejor vamos a que te revise un médico.

No, no, revísame tú. Méteme un dedo para que me revises, insiste aquel.

Entonces, el otro le mete el dedo y dice que no siente nada.

Pero, revisa bien. Mete tres dedos, insiste.

Y el otro mete los tres dedos y dice que no siente nada.

Entonces, mete la mano.

El otro mete la mano al tiempo que dice:

Pues sigo sin sentir nada… Ah, espera creo que siento algo. Es un anillo.

¡Feliz cumpleaños a ti! ¡Feliz cumpleaños…!

Hey bob,Will you rember me tomorrow?? Yes Will you rember me next week?? Yes Will you rember me next month?? Yes Will yoiu rember me next year?? Yeah Knock Knock Whos There?? See, you forgot me already!!!!!!

Why cant dogs use computers?

Because you cant stick your head out of Windows 95

(The math department here at UW has a student run news/humour magazine called,
appropriately enough, mathNEWS. One of the best columns in there is the
prof quotes. This is what keeps us awake in Friday morning classes:)

Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?
Yes, I dont have one.
Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors…

– E. DAzevedo Computer Science 372

If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem.
– C. Durance Computer Science 234

Lets make ethanol green this afternoon.
– R. Friesen Chemistry 124

You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.
– Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454

What Ive done, of course, is total garbage.
– R. Willard Pure Math 430a

The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug
someone with it?
– M. Devine Computer Science 340

Is it a really good acid, or just a half-acid?
– R. Friesen Chemistry 124

You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
Why do you find that funny?
– D. Taylor Computer Science 350

This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
something child-like.
– Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454

I think it is true for all n. I was just playing it safe with n>=3 because
I couldnt remember the proof.
– Baker Pure Math 351a

Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a
smurfette.
– P. Buhr Computer Science 354

Every prof blows this. Were all going to get AIDS or something.
– J. Vanderkooy Physics 122

How do you find an isomorphism? You just f it. See? Graph theory is
a lot of fun.
– I. Goulden Combinatorics and Optimization 230

You cant drink negative beer. Well, I guess you could throw up.
– Forbes Math Elective 102

Due to the postal strike, the assignment is extended to one week
from today. I do not give out extensions without good reason.
– Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454

You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
doesnt dim the lights when you turn it on.
– Hepler Systems Design 182

You have to regard everything I say with suspicion – I may be trying to
bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently.
– J. Wainwright Mathematics 140b

Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat.
– M. Devine and P. Larson Computer Science 340

Well call it S for cyclic.
– Gord Sinnamon Mathematics 234b

Karen has her own i, and she is not going to let Frank put his
data into it.
– F. D. Boswell Computer Science 240

All that was meant to bore you shitless.
– I. Goulden Combinatorics and Optimization 230

The subspace W inherits the other 8 properties of V. And there
arent even any property taxes.
– J. MacKay Mathematics 134b

So you have this mapping P(v). So what does it mean? It means you
take v and P on it, right?
– J. Baker Mathematics 234b

Thats an engineer on his work term. Hes sawing pipes, then soldering
them back together again…Hell do that 10 times to make the pipe
shorter.
– J. MacKay Statistics 332

What do I do if I am running low on my [computer] account?
Take out a loan.
– C. Durance Computer Science 234

A man was carrying two babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train.
Along came this woman seeing the two cute babies started asking the man,
Arent they cute, what are their names?
The man gave the lady an angry look and replied, I dont know.
The lady asked again, Which is the boy and which is the girl?
The man looking angrier than before replied, I dont know.
The woman then started to scold the man, What kind of a father are you?
The man replied, I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are two complaints that I am taking back to my company.