You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
23
Jul
23
Jul
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
23
Jul
Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests…MESS TEST:Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.TOY TEST:Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).GROCERY STORE TEST:Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.DRESSING TEST:Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.FEEDING TEST:Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.NIGHT TEST:Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.FINAL ASSIGNMENT:Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and childs table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
23
Jul
A lady lost her handbag during a day of shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, Hmmm…. Thats funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty singles. The boy quickly replied, Thats right, lady. The last time I found a ladys purse, she didnt have change for a reward.
23
Jul
On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
The Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Five chewed-up stockings,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Six yards of soggy ribbon,
Five chewed-up stockings,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the seventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Seven scraps of wrapping paper,
Six yards of soggy ribbon,
Five chewed-up stockings,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the eighth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Eight tiny reindeer fragments,
Seven scraps of wrapping paper,
Six yards of soggy ribbon,
Five chewed-up stockings,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the ninth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
My wreath in nine pieces,
Eight tiny reindeer fragments,
Seven scraps of wrapping paper,
Six yards of soggy ribbon,
Five chewed-up stockings,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the tenth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed,
My wreath in nine pieces,
Eight tiny reindeer fragments,
Seven scraps of wrapping paper,
Six yards of soggy ribbon,
Five chewed-up stockings,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Eleven unwrapped presents,
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed,
My wreath in nine pieces,
Eight tiny reindeer fragments,
Seven scraps of wrapping paper,
Six yards of soggy ribbon,
Five chewed-up stockings,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
A dozen puppy kisses…
And I forgot all about the other eleven days.
23
Jul
That was Zen, this is Tao.
22
Jul
A man and woman were dating and he asked her to marry him. She told him to prove his love to her she wanted him to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When it was erect is said Wendy and when it was limp if said Wy. They got married and went to Jamaica to a nude beach for their honeymoon. Wendy told her husband to go get them a drink so he went to a stand on the beach and noticed the man who was waiting on him also has a Wy on his penis. He said oh you must have a wife named Wendy to and the waiter said no mine says Welcome to Jamaica man have a nice day!!!
22
Jul
Dear Ms. Ezell:Thank you for your letter of July 17. After careful
consideration I regret to inform you that I am
unable to accept your refusal to offer me
employment with your firm. This year I have been
particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters. With such a
varied and promising field of corporate candidates
it is impossible for me to accept all refusals
for employment.Despite your companys outstanding qualifications
and previous experience in rejecting applicants,
I find that your rejection does not meet with my
needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate
employment with your firm immediately following
graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.Sincerely,
Marc Taylor
22
Jul
It was flooding in California. As the flood waters were rising, a man was on the stoop of his house and another man in a row boat came by. The man in the row boat told the man on the stoop to get in and hed save him. The man on the stoop said, no, he had faith in God and would wait for God to save him. The flood waters kept rising and the man had to go to the second floor of his house. A man in a motor boat came by and told the man in the house to get in because he had come to rescue him. The man in the house said no thank you. He had perfect faith in God and would wait for God to save him. The flood waters kept rising. Pretty soon they were up to the mans roof and he got out on the roof. A helicopter then came by, lowered a rope and the pilot shouted down in the man in the house to climb up the rope because the helicopeter had come to rescue him. The man in the house wouldnt get in. He told the pilot that he had faith in God and would wait for God to rescue him. The flood waters kept rising and the man in the house drowned. When he got to heaven, he asked God where he went wrong. He told God that he had perfect faith in God, but God had let him drown.
"What more do you want from me?" asked God. "I sent you two boats and a helicopter."
21
Jul
Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Sit in the back and dont play.