And lets not forget Moses, who at the parting of the Red Sea said;
Whats all this? I was only going in for a little dip!
21
Jul
21
Jul
Whats Clintons favorite rock group?
The Climax Blues Band.
21
Jul
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.
When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, Whats THAT?, pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, Well, thats what we had so much fun with last night.
And she, in amazement asked, Is that all we have left?
20
Jul
A brunette walks into a bar and says, Gimme an M L. The bartender says, Whats an M L? She says, A Miller Light.
Another Brunette walks in and says, Gimme a B L. The bartender says, Whats a B L?
She says, Bud Light.
A dumb blonde walks in and says, Gimme a 15. The bar tender says, Whats a fifteen? She says, 7&7, duh!
20
Jul
Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question.
Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program?
UNIX consultant: Yes, thats correct.
Customer: No, what is it?
UNIX consultant: Yes.
Customer: So, which is the one?
UNIX consultant: No. which is used to find the program.
Customer: Stop this. Who are you?
UNIX consultant: Use who am i not who r yoo. You can also finger yoo to get information about yoo.
Customer: All I want to know is what finds the revision code.
UNIX consultant: Use what.
Customer: Thats what I am trying to find out. Isnt that true?
UNIX consultant: No. true gives you 0.
Customer: Which one?
UNIX consultant: true gives you 0. which programname.
Customer: Lets get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?
UNIX consultant: Type find / -name it -print to find it. Type what program to get the revision code.
Customer: I want to find the revision code.
UNIX consultant: You cant find revisioncode, you must use what program.
Customer: Which command will do what I need?
UNIX consultant: No. which command will find command.
Customer: I think I understand. Let me write that.
UNIX consultant: You can write that only if that is a user on your system.
Customer: Write what?
UNIX consultant: No. write that. what program.
Customer: Cut that out!
UNIX consultant: Yes, those are valid files for cut. Dont forget the options.
Customer: Do you always do this?
UNIX consultant: du will give you disk usage.
Customer: HELP!
UNIX consultant: help is only used for Source Code Control System.
Customer: You make me angry.
UNIX consultant: No, I dont make me angry, but I did make programname when I was upset once.
Customer: I dont want to make trouble, so no more.
UNIX consultant: No more? which will help you find more. Every system has more.
Customer: Nice help! Im confused more now!
UNIX consultant: Understand that since help is such a small program, it is better not to nice help. And more now is not allowed but at now is. Unless, of course, now is a file name.
Customer: This is almost as confusing as my PC.
UNIX consultant: I didnt know you needed help with pc. Let me get you to the Pascal compiler team…
19
Jul
The beautiful secretary of the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes to a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him.
Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her; Dont reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara.
The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, No problem!! I buy. I buy.
Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine county in France.
The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, Okay, okay. I build, I build.
Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that shed better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis.
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, hes muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman, Okay, okay. I cut. I cut!
19
Jul
There is an unconfirmed report from Washington DC that about one month
ago a well-known psychic predicted that Monica Lewinsky would go down
in history.
19
Jul
Marty and Jane were driving home after an expensive – yet bland –
dinner. Since Martys minor heart attack 15 years ago, Jane had kept
her hubby on a strict, low sodium, low fat, low cholesterol diet,
depriving him of all the foods he loved.
As Marty turned the corner at a busy intersection, another car slammed
into theirs, killing Marty and Jane instantly.
St. Peter greeted the couple at the Pearly Gates and took them on a
tour of Heaven. Their first stop was a luxury mansion, Your new
home, St. Peter told them.
Looking at the expensive marble floors, Marty asked, How much is this
going to cost us?
Nothing, St. Peter replied. Everything is free in Heaven.
Next, they visited their new championship-style golf course.
This is your private golf course, St. Peter said. It changes daily,
representing the greatest golf courses on Earth.
What are the green fees? Marty asked.
This is Heaven, St. Peter said. You play for free, my friend.
Then they went to the clubhouse and saw a lavish buffet made from the
best cuisine Earth had to offer.
How much to eat? Marty asked.
St. Peter replied, My friend, dont you understand yet? This is
Heaven – its all free!
I see, Marty said, scratching his chin. Tell me, is that meal low
sodium, low fat and low cholesterol?
No, St. Peter said. And thats really the best part: You can eat as
much as you like, of whatever you want, and never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!
With that, Marty pitched a fit: He tossed his halo on the floor and
took the Lords name in vain (several times, in fact).
Marty! Jane cried. Whats wrong?
Marty glared at his wife. Whats wrong? Ill tell you whats wrong!
If it wasnt for your daggone bran muffins, I could have been here
fifteen years ago!
19
Jul
Perks of being over 40…
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, Did I wake you?
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now wont wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors dont even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes wont get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they cant remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You cant remember who sent you this list.
19
Jul
Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.
Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were allowed only to write memos to each other until they were twenty-one. How old do you think people should be before they fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age once the correct procedure is learned.
Q. If I fax something to myself will I go blind?
A. Certainly not, as far as we can see.
Q. Theres a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes. Many people have no other outlet for their fax needs and must pay a professional when their need to fax becomes too great.
Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one to whom you are faxing, a cover should always be used to ensure safe fax.
Q. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and fax prematurely?
A. Dont panic. Many people fax prematurely when they havent faxed in a long time. Just start over. Most people dont mind if you try again.
Q. I have a personal and business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you wont transmit anything youre not supposed to. However, be aware that you may be sending mixed signals if you are bi-faxual and that people may not know how to read you.