Old and New Jokes

What’s worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?

Getting fingered by Captain Hook!

In response to calls for sexual equity, Pillsbury recently added a new

Pillsbury Doughgirl character to the well known Doughboy.

Unfortunately, she couldnt come to work this week because she had a yeast infection.

A man will pay $2 for an item that costs $1 if he wants it. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesnt want because its on sale.

A woman worries about he future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and dont expect to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man can forget his past mistakes: theres no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.

A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesnt. A man marries a woman expecting her not to change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner.

So, that night at dinner, she does. About a week later shes back at the doctors.

She says, Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you suggested. It wasnt five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravishes me right there on the table.

The doctor says, Im sorry, we didnt realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.

Naah… she says, thats okay. We wouldn’t go back to that restaurant anyway.

Meades Maxim: Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else.

Im not getting this out of a list: my eleven-year-old was writing a
biography of Charles Darwin, and finished with:

When Darwin died, he was very pleased with himself.

-Paul S. R. Chisholm

Queen Elizabeth II, George W Bush & Robert Mugabe died & went straight to hell.Queen Elizabeth II said I miss Britain, I want to call Britain and see how everybody is doing there. She called and talked for about 5 minutes, then her Majesty asked Well, Devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied Five million dollars She wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.George Bush was so jealous, he began screaming, My turn! I wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there too He called and talked for about 10 minutes, then he asked Well, Devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied Ten million dollars With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair.Robert Mugabe was even more jealous & started screaming, I want to call Zimbabwe, I want to see how everybody is doing there. I wanna talk to the ministers, to the deputy, I wanna talk to everybody. He called Zimbabwe and he talked for about twenty hours, he talked & talked & talked, then he asked Well, Devil how much do I owe you? The devil replied One dollar. Mugabe is stunned & says One dollar??? Only one lousy dollar?? The Devil says Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell, its local

-Would it be an come-on if i told you that your hair smells good?


-No


-What if a midget told you your hair smells good?

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.

A computer manufacture called some of their clients to ask about how much they are satisfied with their computer.

Company: Hi, Im calling from U Computer, you have recently purchased a computer from us.



Client: Oh Yeah.



Company: Are you satisfied with your computer?



Client: Yes, but I dont know why this computer came with a coffee cup holder and after many use its not working.



Company: Odd, we dont sell computer with a computer with a coffee cup holder.



Client: Hmm . . . Yes, there is. It is labeled CD-writer and there is a little button when I press it, a tray comes out and I put the cup on it.



Computer: Sir, it is a compact disc player and writer. It is used for Audio CDs, Software CDs, but not for using it as a cup holder.



Client: Oh, so thats why it broke! Thank you. Bye.