A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads low bridge ahead. Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, Got stuck, huh?
The truck driver says, No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.
Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list.
Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back.
Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he cant make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesnt want to cancel the date, because hes afraid he wont ever talk to her again.
So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.
They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesnt want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up.
He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. Oh crap, he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.
On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.
Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week? he asks.
No problem, Id like to look around too, she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, mens fashions are on the right, womens fashions are on the left. They split up.
Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesnt see him buying the pants. He doesnt even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) Just the pants. What? asks the Gap girl.
Just the pants! (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: Oh, OK.
He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out…just the sweater.
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.
The grandfather replies, Ill bet you five dollars you cant. Its too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars. The grandfather replies, I know. Thats from your grandma.
From the SF Chronicle Personals Column, Friday, February 9th:
Advertising Ages Lenore Skenazy asked readers to come up with
imaginary ads to brazenly exploit a solemn site, such as the recent
rash of ads featuring the Berlin Wall. An excerpt:
The Washington Monument is the setting. The line: Dont be the father
of your country. Trojan condoms.
Russians filing by Lenins tomb are shown. The line: Liked our
leader? Youll love Vlasic dills. Theyre pickled in glass, too!
A man standing near the eternal flame at JFKs grave lights a cigarette.
The line: Bic. Only one flame lasts longer.
The setting is a manger in Bethlehem, with a radiant glow around the
babys cradle. The line, as said by Mary (looking upward): I said a Bud
Light.
Es el dÃa del examen final en el seminario. El padre superior le echa un discurso a los seminaristas que van a graduarse:
Hijos mÃos: cansados ya como estamos de tantos escándalos en los que los nuevos sacerdotes se ven envueltos, hemos decidido hacerles un examen especial, para probar su resistencia hacia las tentaciones de la carne. Para empezar, desnúdense. El padre Humberto va a pasar entre ustedes con unas campanillas. Tome cada uno de ustedes una de ellas, y amárresela al pene.
Una vez preparados los seminaristas, entra al salón una bailarina de striptease, vestida en forma muy sugestiva. Inmediatamente empiezan a sonar las campanillas de la mitad de los seminaristas, tilÃn, tilÃn, tilÃn.
El padre superior les ordena salir del salón diciéndoles: Hijos mÃos, lo siento pero ustedes no están preparados todavÃa para salir al mundo. Que continúe la prueba.
La bailarina empieza a hacer su espectáculo. Cuando se quita el vestido, !TilÃn, tilÃn, tilÃn!, se oyen las campanillas de la mitad de los que quedan.
La bailarina continúa. Cuando se quita el brassiere, !TilÃn, tilÃn, tilÃn! suenan casi todas las campanillas… y sólo quedan tres seminaristas… pero no por mucho tiempo. Cuando la bailarina se quita la tanga, dos campanillas suenan: !TilÃn, tilÃn, tilÃn!
Queda un seminarista, imperturbable. A una seña del padre superior, la bailarina se le acerca, y lo acaricia. Silencio absoluto. Se le sienta encima. Silencio.
!Basta! Dice el padre superior. Hijo mÃo tú has sido el único de tu generación en haber superado tan difÃcil prueba. Estás listo para salir al mundo. Dame un abrazo de despedida…
!TilÃn, tilÃn, tilÃn!
If Barbies so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
Porque hacen pipà en cualquier lado.
Porque sólo se entienden con los de su raza.
Porque hablan otro idioma.
Porque ladran pero no muerden.
Porque sólo piensan en comer.
Porque se van detrás de cualquier perra.
Porque lloran cuando los dejan solos.
Porque se ponen felices cuando los sacamos a pasear.
Porque uno los echa y siempre vuelven.
Porque son fáciles de distraer.
Porque se dejan llevar solo por sus instintos… ¡No piensan!
Porque hay variedad de razas y colores.
Porque a veces estorban.
Porque entre más cansada esté una más remolones se ponen.
Porque cuando eructan creen que es una gracia.
Porque los perros comen cualquier cosa.
Porque son más bonitos cuando pequeños.
Porque hay que vacunarlos contra la rabia.
Porque manejan tan bien como un perro.
Porque todo hay que decÃrselos y repetÃrselos 20 veces.
Porque hay que gritarles para que entiendan.
Return your keys
Before a friends wedding reception, we passed out keys (blanks) to several girls and one guy. Before some toasts were made, the best man said to the guests, Now that Jim is married and is no longer available, it is probably a good idea to have any of you girls out there with a key to his apartment to please turn it in now. Then the pre-selected girls (about thirty of them) slowly walked up and handed in their keys as they made bedroom-eyes at him and flirted a bit; some of the girls would turn in not just one key, but six or seven of them. Then the guy walked up, turned in the key, and kissed the groom on the cheek. Its probably not original, but it worked pretty well.
Q: How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to change the bulb, one to take care of the sheep, and one to observe and try to think why he isnt tending to the sheeps needs.