Old and New Jokes

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you cant drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Is it true that cannibals dont eat clowns because they taste funny?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Was the pole vault accidentally discovered by a clumsy javelin thrower?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a bedroom with no bed in it?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What do you say if youre talking to God, and he sneezes?

What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?

What if youre in hell, and youre mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

An Israeli doctor said, Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.



A German doctor said Thats nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.



A Russian doctor said, In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.



The American doctor, not to be outdone, said Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day.

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.

Lady Luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the shows host could ask her the big question.

Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. Ive just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know Im not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.

Relax, honey, her husband, Roger, reassured her. It will all be OK.

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.

Where are you going? Jane asked.

I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon, he replied.

Jane waited impatiently for Rogers return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. Honey, I managed to get tomorrows question and answer!

What is it? she cried excitedly.

OK. The question is: What are the three main parts of the male anatomy? And the answer is The head, the heart, and the penis.

Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. The head, the heart, and the penis, Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds.

Hmm, uhm, the head? she said nervously.

Very good. Six seconds, he said.

Eh, uh, the heart?

Very good! Four seconds left, he said.

I, uhh, ooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning…

Thats close enough, said the game show host… CONGRATULATIONS!!

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her. Adam answered, Yes, Lord, but what is a kiss?

The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.

And the Lord replied, Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, Id like you to caress Eve. And Adam said, What is a caress? So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, Lord, that was even better than the kiss.

And the Lord said, Youve done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve. And Adam asked, What is make love, Lord? So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds. And Adam said, Lord, what is a headache?

How does a psychic refer to a blonde?

Light reading.

I think therefore I am (not a Republican…)

This is one that I picked up off a bathroom wall while I was in the Navy.

I fucked in France,

I fucked in Spain.

I fucked up and down

the coast of Maine.

But Ill never be happy

Ill nerve be free.

Till I fucked the Navy

like the Navy fucked me.

How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None… because you can program around anything!

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
    But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
   Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentines card at the store
   In hopes that, later, youd be my whore.
7. This feels so good; it feels so right
   I just wish it wasnt $250 a night.
6. Youre a woman of style, youre a woman of class
   Especially when Im spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
   But now Im fulfilled … SO MAKE ME A SANDWICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass
   Our love has grown … but sos your ass.
3. Youre a honey … and youre a cutie
   I just wished you had J-Los booty.
2. I dont wanna be sappy or silly or corny
   So, right to the point, lets do it, Im horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister
   You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

This blond goes in to a salon to get her hair cut. Shes wearing a pair of headphones, and the stylist says that he cant cut her hair with the headphones on.

She replies No, you have to cut around the headphones, I cant take them off.

They argue about this for a few minutes, he finally agrees to cut her hair around the headphones, but he will have to charge her extra. She says, Thats ok, go ahead and cut it.

So he cuts her hair, and although it looks strange because of the headphones, shes happy with it. So a few weeks later she comes in again.

Again she wants her hair cut around the headphones. He says, No way, not
this time, this time Im taking the headphones off.

So he takes off the headphones and throws them on the floor. He starts cutting her hair, and a few minutes later, she falls out of the chair to the floor, dead.

He wonders what in the world is happening, so he picks up the headphones and puts them on.

He hears breathe in… breathe out… breathe in… breathe out…