Old and New Jokes

The patient shook his doctors hand in gratitude and said, Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.

That is very kind of you, said the doctor emotionally, and then added, May I see that prescription I just gave you? Id like to make a little change.

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.

Ive been waiting for you all day, the cop said.

The guy replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could. When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.

After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.

Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

My boyfriend said that for his physical, the doctor needed a urine specimen, a stool sample, and a semen specimen.

I told him, Just give them your underwear.

An old hands off sign, useful for anyone with delicate apparatus …

Achtung! Dummkopfen!

Das machine ist NICHT fur gerfingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy snappen der springenwerk und poppencorken mit spitzensparken! Keepen Sie die hands in die pockets und watchen Sie das blinkenlights!

Q: What do the men in a singles bar have in common?
A: Theyre all married

There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didnt move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.

The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: Come on man, I was just joking. Here, Ill buy you another drink. I just cant stand to see a man crying.



No, its not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me.



When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.



I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison …

A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed, the Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming I cant sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there! Its against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig, I cant be the one out there.The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying Theres a COW in the barn! I cant sleep in the same room as a cow! Its against my religion!The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said hed go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals.In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered…

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the

edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said Stop! Dont do it!

Why shouldnt I? he said.

I said, Well, theres so much to live for!

Like what?

Well … are you religious or atheist?

Religious.

Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?

Christian.

Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?

Protestant.

Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?

Baptist.

Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the

Lord?

Baptist Church of God.

Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed

Baptist Church of God?

Reformed Baptist Church of God.

Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?

Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!

To which I said, Die, heretic scum! and pushed him off.

Health care costs are rising uncontrollably across the world. In America, taxes have been on the rise just to pay for them.

In England, they have begun rationing health care services and in some cases they have waiting lists for certain services just to reduce costs even more. In fact, they now have a nine month waiting list for abortions.