FOODPORN: Pornography for dieters (?) by Frank LaRosa
Brought to you by Searchlight bbs 516-724-0971
Dear Editors,
I read your fine magazine eagerly each month, and one of my
favorite features is the letters you receive from your readers. I
always enjoy hearing about their exploits, but until now I never
thought anything like that could ever happen to me. However all that
changed last Friday night, when I had one of the most incredible
experiences of my life, and felt I just had to write and share it
with everyone.
It was about 10:30 PM and I was sitting in my dorm room going
over some boring math homework that I really didnt feel like doing.
Normally there is plenty to do on Friday nights at my college, but it
was the first day of spring break and the campus was practically
deserted. Since I couldnt afford to go to Florida with my buddies,
I was forced to spend the vacation on campus by myself. I was fully
expecting a rather dull week of nothing but studying and watching TV.
Anyway, I was concentrating on my math book when suddenly I
heard a loud bang and a screech coming from outside. I rushed to the
window to see what had happened. On the street below I saw a white
minivan with the words Carlos Italian Restaurant on the side. The
van pulled slowly to the side of the road, obviously suffering from
a tire blowout. Relieved at an excuse to break up the monotony of my
studying, I decided to go outside and see if I could be of any help.
As I approached the van I could see the driver, an overweight,
brown haired woman who introduced herself as Gail. We both examined
the flat tire and I asked Gail where she was heading. She said she
was supposed to deliver an order of Italian food to a party, some
rich eccentrics who lived in the upper part of town, she said. But
the party had been cancelled at the last minute and she was
returning with their order. She said she didnt think there was a
spare tire in the van but I suggested that we take a look anyway.
We went around to the back of the van and Gail opened the rear
doors. A warm rush of steam came from inside, carrying the rich
scent of fresh tomato sauce and Italian bread. In the cargo area
were trays and trays of lasagna, meatballs, and pork smothered in
sauce. A stack of pizza boxes lay to one side, and I could see what
looked like a case of beer towards the back. Never in my wildest
fantasies had I seen anything like the banquet that lay before me
now. After living on lousy school cafeteria food for the past two
months, it all seemed something like a dream come true.
Gail looked around and said she couldnt find the spare tire.
She sighed, giving me a strangely seductive look. Well, she said,
I guess I wont be able to get back to the restaurant for a while.
It would sure be a shame to let all this food go to waste. At that,
I knew something incredible was about to happen. Gail manouvered her
pudgy frame into the back of the truck. I couldnt believe my eyes
as she began unwrapping the mountain of food before us. Here, she
said, handing me a huge tray of lasagna. The dish was warm and heavy
and full of rich Italian smells. When I looked back I noticed that
Gail had started without me and was already busy with a large,
greasy pepperoni pizza.
I sat on the edge of the van and removed the tin foil from the
lasagna tray. I peeled the foil back slowly, carefully, revealing
the hot pleasures within. The sauce oozed like lava around the melty
mozarella cheese, and pools of oil were everywhere. I ran my finger
along the edge of the plate, and then gently through the heart of
the food, delighting in the warm, slippery feel of the pasta
underneath. After a few minutes of working my fingers in and out I
removed them and slowly licked off the sweet-tasting sauce.
My sense of hunger heightened, I lifted the tray closer to my
face. My hands sank into the center of the lasagna, scooping out
huge globs of pasta, sauce, and cheese. I lifted the food to my
mouth and stuffed it sloppily into my waiting hole. I chewed and
swallowed deeply, my eyes closed in ecstasy. My entire digestive
tract tingled as the food made its way down my esophagus and into
the pit of my stomach. Incensed, I grabbed hungrily for the lasagna,
stuffing my mouth till it was about to burst, choking it down so
fast that it almost hurt, and stuffing my face again. In a matter of
minutes I had lapped up the entire tray, licking it clean so as to
get every drop.
I stood up and caught my breath. After such a feast I was sure I
could eat no more, but the sight of several open pizza boxes soon
had me going again. Reaching out, I tore off about half of a huge
15 inch pizza covered with pepperoni, mushrooms, and sausage. I
folded the thick dough and thrust the pizza mouthward, alternately
chewing at the crust and then sucking in the tender, cheesy filling.
My mind in a blissful daze, I spent the next several minutes in this
position, until I had devoured every last mouthful.
By this time Gail had discovered the beer, and she handed me a
tall, frosty bottle. I wrenched off the cap and lifted the beer to
my mouth, pouring it eagerly down my throat. As I drank in a frenzy,
beer spilled out the corners of my mouth and dripped onto my face,
neck and clothing. Oblivious to the world, I continued consuming the
brew like a madman until every drop was gone.
Finally, I could take no more. Grasping my stomach, I stumbled
towards the grass on the side of the road. I opened my mouth and
burped into the warm night, longer and louder than I had ever done
before. The substance of my belch seemed to hang in the air in front
of me, thick with the aroma of pizza and beer. I burped a second
time, then lay on the soft ground and fell into a deep, satisfying
sleep.
When I awoke several hours later, Gail and the restaurant van
were gone. I never saw them again after that night, but the fond
memories of our encounter will stay with me forever. Perhaps someday
Ill meet Gail again, and if I do Ill be sure to write and tell you
all about it.
– Name and address withheld by request
seeley@dalcsug.uucp