Old and New Jokes

Un niño le dice a la mamá:

Mami, mami, mi hermanito no es un angelito.

Claro que lo es, tu hermanito menor es un angelito lindo.

No, porque cuando lo boté del tercer piso no voló.

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

Ive never been better! he boasted. Ive got an eighteen year old bride whos pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.

The doctor continued, So he was in the woods and suddently a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.

And do you know what happened? the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, No.

The doctor continued, The bear dropped dead in front of him!

Thats impossible! exclaimed the old man. Someone else must have shot that bear!

Thats kind of what Im getting at … replied the doctor.

George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He Bugs Gore

Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room

Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evils Agent

Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots

Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in Em

Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity

Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms: Wen you rearrange the letters: Alas No More Zs

A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: Im a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes: When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one

President Clinton of the USA: It can be rearranged into: To Copulate he finds

This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, I want to sell Bibles for you. OK, youre hired. Heres your kit; go sell!
The second came in and said, I want to sell Bibles for you. OK, youre hired! Heres your kit; go sell!

The third came in and said, I- i – I wa – wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi – bi – bi – Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!

No, shouted the man, this will never work! You cant sell Bibles for me! The applicant replied, B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!

As there were no other applicants, he man said, OK, Ill give you one shot at this, but I expect you to PRODUCE!

At the end of the can, the first applicant comes back and reports, I sold 8 Bibles today. The second reports: I sold 11 Bibles today. The third worker reports, To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles! Great, says the man. However, I want you to sell lots more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!

At the end of the first day, the first worker comes in and reports, Today, I sold 32 Bibles. The second worker reports, I sold 44 Bibles today The third worker reports, To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles.

Fantastic, said the man, since youre doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why dont you tell them what your sales technique is. Replied the worker, I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b–b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi – want to buy a Bi–b–a – a- abi – buy a to buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to *READ* it to em?

A bored truck driver had a nasty habit of swerving to hit attorneys he found walking along side of the highway.

One day as he was driving along he came across a Nun who appeared to be having car trouble.

Pulling over to offer the Nun a ride to the nearest service station, the Nun graciously thanked the driver for stopping and accepted his offer.

After driving a few miles the truck driver saw an attorney walking along the highway.

As was his custom, the truck driver swerved to hit the attorney but, at the last moment, remembered he had the Nun as a passenger and abruptly swerved away to avoid hitting the attorney.

Surprised upon hearing a loud thump as he passed the attorney, the truck driver peered in his rear view only to see the attorney lying injured along side of the road.

Im so sorry Sister, I thought I missed hitting that attorney! the truck driver plead.

You did my son, but I got him with the door! gleed the Nun.

A little boy wanted $100 so badly that he prayed for two weeks. But nothing happened; so he decided to write God a letter asking for the money. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD, USA, hey decided to send it to President Clinton. Bill was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5 bill.
The little boy was delighted with the $5, and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read; Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had it sent through Washington, DC, and as usual, those guys deducted $95.

A blonde and brunette were walking down the road.

The brunette sees her husband, and he is carrying flowers.

The brunette says to the blonde now Im going to half to spread my legs!, and the blonde says why? dont you have a vase?

They can never find Left Guard at the store!

SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS. READ AND SAVE THESE INSTRUCTIONS.

WARNING: The following basic safety precautions should always be followed to reduce the risk of fire, shock and personal injury.

Check the voltage on the nameplate.

Implies check the face to see if all is OK

Keep the work place clean.

Which means, ensure there are no knifes, blades or other objects within reach. These invite injuries to the tool (e.g Bobbitization), or to the personnel.

Consider the work environment.

Keep the area well lit (Unfortunately 90% of the time tool is used in dark)

Keep children away.

Before operating the tool make sure that the children are fast asleep.

Store the tool.

When not in use, store the tool in a dry place away from childrens reach.

Do not force the tool.

The tool will do its job better and safer at a rate for which it is intended. Do not overwork the tool.

Use the right tool.

When the job is big and the tool is small then change the job. Never force a small tool to do the job of a heavy duty tool.

Dress properly.

Do not wear loose jewellery, when using the tool as it may get caught in the moving parts.
Use a rubber glove (condom) when using the tool outdoors.

Do not abuse the tool.

Never pull the tool by its balls!, to disconnect it from the socket.

Secure the job.

Use clamps to hold the job. It is safer that way, it frees both the hands for other uses.

Maintain the tool.

Keep the tool clean for safer and better performance.
Inspect the tool periodically and, if damaged have it repaired by a qualified person.

Disconnect the tool.

When servicing.

Avoid unintentional starting.

Always keep your emotions under control.

Stay alert.

Watch what you are doing. (Drilling the right hole or the wrong one!)
Use common sense.
Do not operate the tool when tired, or after alcohol

Check damaged parts.

Before using the tool check the guarding parts (e.g rubber glove), ensure that they will operate properly and perform the intended functions.

Have the tool serviced by a qaulified person.

Repairs must be carried out by a qualified person otherwise this may result in damage to the tool and the user.

Q: Whats the difference between a crush, lust, and love?

A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling!