A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.Im afraid I dont have a husband she replies.OK Do you have a boyfriend?, asks the Midwife.No, no boyfriend either.Do you have a partner then?No, Im unattached, Ill be having my baby on my own.After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black.Well, replies the girl, I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The leading man was black.Oh, says the midwife, its really none of my business and Im sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions, but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.Well yes, the girl again replies, you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy.Oh, the midwife repeats, its really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes.Yes, continues the girl, there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice.At this, the midwife collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, Thank God for that!What do you mean? says the midwife, shocked.Well, says the girl extremely relieved, I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!
1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.
5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesnt stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," its already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.
11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still cant walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.
[This was forwarded to me by a co-worker and is reportedly an…]
Excerpt from The Sunday Press, Dublin, 25-Aug-1991
Apropos recent events, in case youre wondering what will become
of all the unemployed KGB men in the event of a change of regime in
the USSR, I was talking to a German friend recently and asked him
what had become of all the former Stasi secret policement of East
Germany.
Oh theyre all taxi drivers now, he said, it was the obvious
solution.
Why is that? I asked.
Simple, he said, you just give them your name–and they know
where you live.
A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. This is a talking dog, he said. And you can have him for five dollars.
The neighbor said, Who do you think youre kidding with this talking dog stuff? There aint no such animal. Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. Please buy me, sir, he pleaded. This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times. Hey! said the neighbor. He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars? Because, said the seller, Im getting tired of all his lies.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Luther!
Luther who?
Luther the silver lining!
Q: How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok. Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things wrong . . . have you tried the light switch?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Orson!
Orson who?
Orson around again!
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that
she would send someone out right away.Where do you live? asked the operator.Bubba replied, At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.The operator asked, Can you spell that for me?There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, How bout if I drag her over
to Oak Street and you pick her up there?
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Una pareja de homosexuales, ya formalizados, estaban durmiendo juntos. Uno le dice al otro:
¡Ay, mi amor! Hoy amanecà con un dolor en el culo, revÃsame para ver que tengo.
No, mejor vamos a que te revise un médico.
No, no, revÃsame tú. Méteme un dedo para que me revises, insiste aquel.
Entonces, el otro le mete el dedo y dice que no siente nada.
Pero, revisa bien. Mete tres dedos, insiste.
Y el otro mete los tres dedos y dice que no siente nada.
Entonces, mete la mano.
El otro mete la mano al tiempo que dice:
Pues sigo sin sentir nada… Ah, espera creo que siento algo. Es un anillo.
¡Feliz cumpleaños a ti! ¡Feliz cumpleaños…!