Old and New Jokes

Your momma is so fat . . .

She put on her BVDs and it spelled Boulevard.

Murphy was an optimist.

Un par de amigas caminaban solas a altas horas de la noche por un barrio temible, cuando de pronto sienten a lo lejos unos pasos apresurados detras de ellas.

Las dos amigas asustadas deciden apresurar el paso y no se detienen para nada… hasta que llegan a un callejón sin salida.

De repente en la oscuridad ven al tipo que las persigue acercarse con baba en la boca; y una de ellas le grita alocadamente ante la inminencia de un ataque brutal:

¡¿Qué chucha quieres?!

El violador contesta:

!AH, PUEDO ESCOGER!

WARNING!!! This one has some profanity.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Moneys Tight

Times Are Hard

Heres Your Fuckin

Christmas Card!

Twas the night before Christmas

And all through the house

Everybody felt shitty

Even the mouse,

Mom at the whorehouse

And dad smoking grass

Id Just settled down

For a nice piece of ass,

When out on the lawn

I heard such a clatter

I sprung from my piece

To see what was the matter,

Then out on the lawn

I saw a big dick

I knew in a moment

It must be Saint Nick

He came down the chimney

Like a bat out of hell

I knew in a moment

The fucker had fell

He filled all our stockings

With pretzels and beer

And a big rubber dick

For my brother the queer

He rose up the chimney

With a thunderous fart

The son of a bitch

Blew the chimney apart

He swore and he cursed

As he rode out of sight

Piss on you all

And have a hell of a night

This guy is just starting off his career as a ventriliquist and hes going around town looking for a job. He finds one at a local nightclub.

So, on his first night, hes going through his normal routine of blonde jokes. All of a sudden, this blonde stands up in the fourth row and says, Excuse me, mister, but no physical attribute of mine affects my mental capability!

The guy is flabbergasted. He stands up and tries to apologize, but is cut off when she says, –

You stay out of this, mister. Im not talking to you, Im talking to that jerk on your knee!

One day, there was a plane that crashed. On it, was Bill Clinton, and an EXTREMELY religious guy whos only wish was to meet the Virgin Mary.

The plane crashed and Bill and Phil both died. Heaven and Hell got all mixed up that day, so the religious guy went to Hell, and Bill went to heaven–temporarily for 20 minutes.

On their way back, they bumped into each other and Phil said, Oh, my ONLY hope in the world is to see the Virgin Mary, and Bill Clinton replies… Sorry, buddy, youre 15 minutes late!

Ausssies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that thats the governments job.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Cant possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Dont, but only because they cant get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box.
Brits: Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other fans.
Canadians & Aussies: Prefer to actually engage in sports rather than watch them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it English.
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it English.
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add Gday, mate, and a heavy accent to everything they say.

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and l

So this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for Viagra. The guy asks for a large dose of the *strongest* variety. The doctor asks why he needs so much and the guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the prescription. Later that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers. The doctor asks why, is your member really in that much pain?!No, says the guy, its for my wrists – the girls never showed up!

1. Bring a cell phone and order a pizza when the judge starts talking.2. Bring a zip-lock bag full of grapes and launch a few at the defendant when the judge isnt looking.3. Giggle uncontrollably when they show the evidence, if any blood is present.4. If they ever bring up the possibility of an accomplice, duck your head and quiver.5. Stand up and yell OBJECTION! to everything the judge says. EVERYTHING.6. If youre the defendant, wait until the judge starts talking about you. Proceed to hide under your table.7. If anybody attempts to communicate with you in any way, stare off into space and blow spit bubbles.8. Sing The Song That Never Ends incessantly.9. Get the judge to look at you. Lick your lips and motion that youll call him10. Actually call him11. Bring a kazoo.12. Act like youre doing something important, and ask them to keep it down13. Every time the judge uses the gavel, keel over backwards and act like youve been shot.14. Bring a Gameboy and leave the volume at full.15. Wait until everybody is completely focused on the trial, then blow a referees whistle as loud as you can. Point to the person next to you and tell him to stop it!16. Pretend you turn into a pig when you get wet. Douse yourself in cold water and act like one.17. Call the judge a wuss when he issues the death penalty. When he accuses you of contempt of the court, look puzzled and ask him what it means. When he answers, object.18. Dress up like Santa Claus19. Drink all of your lawyers water, then ask for more. Then ask to go to the bathroom.20. Hiccup every time somebody says the word the21. Change your plea every five minutes22. If youre the judge, call the defendant the plaintiff, the plaintiff a lawyer, the witness a juror, and the jurors defendants. Call the lawyers Barney23. Gurgle into the microphone.24. Complain aloud about that nasty wedgie you have, then take

Heard on one of those starving artist/comedian TV shows:

Just once, I would like to see an intelligent witness on the stand:

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

Defendant: No, I did not.

P: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

D: Yes, I do. And theyre a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.

rebecca