Old and New Jokes

Q) What does a vibrator and soybeans have in common?

A)They are both meat substitutes!!!!

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big everything under one roof department store looking for a job. The manager says, Do you have any sales experience? The kid says, Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. You start tomorrow. Ill come down after we close and see how you did.His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. How many sales did you make today? The kid says, One. The boss says, Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for? The kid says, $101,237.64. The boss says, $101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?Kid says, First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didnt think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer.The boss said, A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck? Kid says, No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, Well, your weekends shot, you might as well go fishing.

Una pareja ha ligado en un bar; van rápidamente al apartamento de uno de ellos y enseguida empiezan a follar apasionadamente. En esto, el tío se fija en que cada vez que entra, la chica dobla las puntas de los dedos de los pies y cuando la saca los vuelve a enderezar. Sin darle mayor importancia, él sigue en lo suyo, pero al acabar le pregunta a la chica por qué hacía eso.

Es que no me diste tiempo para quitarme los pantis.

Little four-year-old Julie was looking at her new baby brother for the first time. He was fast asleep.

After staring at her tiny, motionless baby brother for a few minutes, Julie looked up at her mother and asked plaintively, Didnt he come with batteries?

Where I work we have a policy of posting all notices in bilingual format,
English and French.

The other day someone sent the following notice to all workers by e-mail:

***********************************************************************
* English: Disregard the fire alarm today. Technicians are working on *
* the system and there will be a lot of audible tests. *
* *
* French: La meme chose. *
***********************************************************************

All I want for Christmas is:

14K Gold Lexus
Paprika
TV show Cops to do a bust on the neighbors
Coupon for a 30-minute lobotomy
Godfather, Part 8 coming to a theater near you
Mount Vernon
2-liter bottle of Ginger Ale
Five tickets to last years Superbowl game
Janet Renos autograph
My family to leave the country

Q: What are the administrations favorite words in foreign policy?
A: We have not ruled out military force.

Un abuelo se encontraba rodeado de sus nietos, mientras les platicaba de sus aventuras en el África:

Una vez me encontraba en un safari, en un claro de la selva, cuando, de repente, entre los arbustos aparece un león. Entonces, lentamente llevé mi mano al hombro derecho y me doy cuenta que no tenía mi escopeta. En aquel momento, me toco la cadera derecha y compruebo que no tenía mi escuadra; veo del lado izquierdo de mi pantalón y tampoco llevaba el cuchillo…

¿Y qué hiciste, abuelo?, gritan a coro los nietos.

Pues me di la vuelta y salí corriendo. El león comenzó a perseguirme, pero cuando me lanzó un zarpazo se resbaló y yo seguí corriendo. La fiera volvió a lanzarme otro zarpazo más, pero de nuevo se resbaló. Yo seguí corriendo y así varias veces que se repite la acción…

Abuelo, pero así cualquiera se caga, le interrumpe un nieto.

¿Y con qué crees que se venía resbalando el león?

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

Come with me, said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.

Wow, thank you, said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

Wait, I think you are a little mixed up, said the priest. Shouldnt I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached Gods word.

Yes, thats true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.

The Guardian of 8th August reports that the U.S publishers of a book
on sky diving, called Easy Sky Diving, have hurriedly recalled all
copies of the book to insert an erratum slip. It reads: Please make
the following correction. On page 8 line 7, State zip code should
read Pull rip cord.