When it rains, why dont sheep shrink?
Stupidity got us into this mess. Why cant it get us out?
The trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished.
Money isnt everything, but at least it encourages relatives to stay in touch.
Why do they report power outages on TV?
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
133. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.
The President was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks." Infuriated, he called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.
"The bad news is that the urine is from the Vice President."
"Al? How could you do this to me? What could be worse than this?"
"The handwritings the first ladys."
John looked up to see his mother-in-law walking toward the front door carrying a broom. Tell me, he said to her, are you going to clean house with it or fly away on it?
Clinton, on a stop in Arkansas this week, told a crowd, There are over a hundred jails in this state, and Im proud to say that no member of my family has ever been in one of them.
A voice from the back said, And which one is that?
Just in case you have forgotten the rules for a safe and Happy Halloween.
When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if
its really dead.
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they
should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief
in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill
them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody
elses voice.
When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it alone.
As a general rule, dont solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply
to any other house of the dead as well.
If youre searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out
that its just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short
circuits; just get out!
Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
If you find a town which looks deserted, theres probably a good reason
for it. Dont stop and look around!
Dont fool with recombinant DNA technology unless youre sure you know
what youre doing. And even if youre sure you know what youre doing, just
dont fool with it!
If youre running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at
least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the
monster is merely shambling along, its still moving fast enough to catch
up with you.
If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior
such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness,
and so on, kill them immediately.
Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed
here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (youre in trouble if you
recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the
nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is
strange because you thought you had half of a tank, shoot yourself instead.
You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time
to move in with the in-laws. This applies to houses that had previous
inhabitants who went mad or died in some horrible fashion, or had
inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.
This from Air & Space/Smithsonian magazine:
The three-letter airport identifier for Sioux City, Iowa,
under attack by state officials, will be changed. The Federal
Aviation Administration has agreed that SUX is an unacceptable
abbreviation for the facility.
Q: How can you tell the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: SNOWBALLS!!!
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
But why?, they asked, as they moved off.
Because, he said, I cant stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
What do elephants wear when they goes swimming?
Their trunks, of course!