Old and New Jokes

Heard this on The Greaseman on WWDC 101.1-FM this morning in DC…

Four guys have been golfing together for years. Throughout the years, they
have discussed various aspects of their lives, with one exception: they never
talk about their sons. This is because one of the men has a son who is a
flaming, out-of-the-closet homosexual, and the other men dont want to make
him feel bad.

One week, however, the man with the gay son is late to the country club, so the
other three are sitting around the table and inevitably start talking about
their sons.

My son the Mercedes salesman, says one, has been doing so well lately that
last week, he tells me, he GAVE a friend of his a brand new Benz!

Ah, thats nothing, says the second one, My son, the marina owner, has been
so successful lately that last week he gave one of his friends a brand new
speedboat!

MY son, says the third, has done so exceptionally well in the real estate
market, that last week he gave a friend of his a whole HOUSE!

Just then the fourth man walks in and says, You know, I never thought my son
would amount to anything. But then, just last week, his three lovers gave him
a new Mercedes, a speedboat and a house!

Llega la mujer embarzada a punto de dar a luz al hospital.

Entra a la sala de partos y la atiende el ginecólogo. Ya en el quirófano el doctor la está atendiendo, entonces sale el niño y se le resbala de las manos al doctor, y el niño cae al suelo.

Rápidamente el doctor lo levanta y dice a las enfermeras:

Qué resbalosos nacen los niños muertos, ¿verdad?

A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives her a sonogram. He sees the baby and suddenly the baby says, “Are you my daddy?” The doctor is shocked and goes to get another doctor, who looks at the sonogram. The baby says again, “Are you my daddy?” The doctor says, “No, Im not your father.”
They go to get the dad, the father looks at his baby boy and the baby asked, “Are you my daddy?” And the father says, “Yes, I am!” So, the baby pops out of the mothers womb, picks up his hand, and starts poking the father in the head while saying, “How do you like that?! How do you like that?!”

Sung to the Oscar Mayerâ„¢ song:

His baloney has a first name,

Its I did not inhale.

His baloney has a second name:

I wasnt getting tail.

He loves to sling it every day,

The White House people all just say,

That Billy Clinton has a way

Of making bullshit sound OK!

What do you get when you cross a Cuban and a Pollock?Ricky Retardo

Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.

The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him.

Yes, she replied readily. Tell him Mother didnt come after all.

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

A seventy-five year old guy, his hair is completely white, marries a twenty-two year old girl, and she gets pregnant.

Nine months later, he walks into the Maternity Ward. He says to the nurse, Well, howd I do?

The nurse says, She had twins.

He says, Heh, heh, heh … well, I guess that goes to show, that even if theres snow on the roof, there can still be fire in the furnace.

She says, Well, then youd better change filters. Both of the babies are black.

Whats the difference between a vision and a sight?

When my wife gets dressed up for a party she looks like a vision and when she wakes up in the morning shes a sight.

On this morning a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says Wow that is one ugly baby.

The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks Whats wrong you look mad?

She replied I am. That bus driver just insulted me.

You shouldnt take that from him. the man replied. Hes a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him.

Youre right sir I think I will report him.

The elderly man says, You go on up there and get his badge number. Ill hold your monkey for you.