27
Nov

Top Ten Signs Your Teacher Is A Witch

Begins each day, I pledge allegiance, to Satan – crap, I mean the flag
Instead of apples, kids place eyes of newt on her desk
On math tests, every word problem begins, A broomstick traveling at 50 miles per hour
During Duck, duck, goose one kid actually turned into a goose
When showing The Wizard of Oz, refers to main character as That bitch Dorothy
She requires students to cover textbooks with skin flayed from a hanged man
Shes the gym teacher (…oops, thats Top Ten Signs Your Teacher Is A Lesbian)
Some kid throws water on her, you get a substitute for the rest of the year
Voodoo doll plus pin equals class clown with giant pain in his ass
She smokes Salems – dude, think about it

MMI, Viacom Internet Services Inc.

26
Nov

76 buenas razones por las

76 buenas razones por las que la cerveza es mejor que las mujeres

1. Puedes disfrutar de la cerveza todo el mes.

2. Las manchas de cerveza se van.

3. No tienes por qué agasajar a la cerveza.

4. La cerveza te esperará siempre pacientemente en el coche.

5. Cuando la cerveza se pone plana la sacudes.

6. La cerveza nunca llega tarde.

7. Las resacas se marchan.

8. La cerveza no se pone celosa cuando coges otra cerveza.

9. Las anillas de la cerveza salen sin resistencia.

10. Cuando entras en un bar, siempre puedes conseguir una cerveza.

11. La cerveza nunca tiene dolor de cabeza.

12. Cuando has acabado con una cerveza, la botella todavía vale 5 duros.

13. La cerveza no se molesta si vuelves a casa con aliento a cerveza.

14. Puedes tomar más de una cerveza en una noche sin sentirte culpable.

15. La cerveza siempre pasa con facilidad.

16. Puedes compartir una cerveza con los amigos.

17. Siempre puedes tener la certeza de que eres el primero en descorchar una cerveza.

18. La cerveza no exige igualdad.

19. A una cerveza no le importa cuando vuelves.

20. Puedes tomar una cerveza en público.

21. Una cerveza frígida es una buena cerveza.

22. La cerveza siempre viene en múltiplos de seis.

23. Después de haber tomado una cerveza no tienes más que tirar la botella vacía.

24. Una cerveza nunca te cuesta más de quinientas pesetas y nunca te deja sediento.

25. Cuando tu cerveza se ha ido, simplemente descorchas otra.

26. La cerveza tiene el mismo aspecto a la mañana siguiente.

27. La cerveza no se preocupa por si llega alguien.

28. La cerveza no se preocupa por si se despiertan los niños.

29. La cerveza no tiene madre.

30. La cerveza no tiene moral.

31. La cerveza no se pone histérica una vez al mes.

32. La cerveza siempre escucha y nunca discute.

33. La cerveza no tiene los pies/manos/ fríos/as.

34. La cerveza nunca se pasa de su peso.

35. Si cambias de cerveza no tienes que pasar una manutención.

36. La cerveza no se escapará con tus tarjetas de crédito.

37. La cerveza no tiene un abogado.

38. La cerveza no puede pasarte un herpes o cosas desagradables.

39. La cerveza no critica tu modo de conducir.

40. La cerveza nunca cambia de opinión.

41. La cerveza nunca te cabrea o juega sucio para conseguir algo.

42. La cerveza nunca te pide que cambies de canal.

43. La cerveza no te pide que vayas de compras.

44. La cerveza es siempre fácil de obtener.

45. La cerveza nunca dice no.

46. La cerveza no se queja si la tomas en cualquier parte.

47. La cerveza no necesita ir a empolvarse con otras cervezas.

48. A la cerveza no le molesta ensuciarse.

49. La cerveza no se queja de tu insensibilidad.

50. La cerveza no vive con su madre.

51. La cerveza nunca se desfoga contigo.

52. A la cerveza no le preocupa que no tengas cultura ni maneras.

53. La cerveza no se queja, ni grita, ni llora.

54. A la cerveza no le importa que sea la temporada futbolística.

55. La cerveza no te hará ir a la iglesia.

56. Es más probable que una cerveza sepa deletrear carburador, que una mujer.

57. Una cerveza no piensa que el baloncesto es estúpido porque los jugadores escupen.

58. Una cerveza no piensa que DOS sea un número.

59. A una cerveza le importa un comino si tienes un montón de cervezas.

60. Una cerveza no piensa que los odiosos anuncios con niños son monos.

61. Si una cerveza se derrama por el suelo, durante unos instantes huele bastante bien.

62. Una cerveza no te llamará cerdo machista si dices doberman en lugar de doberpersonal.

63. Una cerveza no conseguirá trabajo como disk-jockey y pondrá 5 horas seguidas de música folk lesbiana en tu emisora favorita.

64. Una cerveza no te armara un escándalo por una pequeñez como que levantes la tapa del water.

65. Una cerveza no fumará en tu coche.

66. Una cerveza te ayudará, de hecho, en el eructo y la pedorrera, y compartirá tu entusiasmo por que sean incluidos como deportes de exhibición en los juegos olímpicos de Australia 2000.

67. Una cerveza está siempre dispuesta a marcharse a tiempo.

68. Una cerveza nunca busca piropos.

69. La cerveza sabe bien.

70. Si sacas una cerveza de la nevera para echarle una ojeada, pero en ese momento decides bebértela, la cerveza no te acusar de violación.

71. Una cerveza no te hará comprar tampones cuando vayas a la tienda.

72. Una cerveza no te acusará de mentir cuando digas que lees el Penthouse sólo por los artículos (estás mintiendo, pero una cerveza no te acusará de ello.)

73. Una cerveza nunca te hará ir a ver una película sueca.

74. Una cerveza no te acusará de cerdo machista si dices Gene Hackman en lugar de Gene Hackpersona.

75. Una cerveza no te hará probar comida vegetariana que sabe como aceite de ricino.

76. Cuando has acabado con una cerveza, la idea de otra cerveza no te enferma.

26
Nov

Divorced Barbie

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. How much is that Barbie in the window?, he asks the shop assistant. In a manner she responds, Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. The guy asks, Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ? That’s obvious, the assistant states, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…

26
Nov

I Nearly Pissed Myself

Bob is a regular guy and he is out at a local bar one night having a good time. Jack, the bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink and as he did Bob spoke up. Hey Jack, youre a betting kinda man arent ya? Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind. Well Jack, I will bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and piss into it without spilling a drop. Jack thought to himself, This guy must be a complete moron. There is no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna the easiest grand Ive ever made. Okay Bob. youre on. Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, Okay Bob, Lets see what you got. Bob unzipped his fly and staring pissing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over. Then he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. What are you smiling at jackass, you just lost $1,000. Well Bob, ya see that guy over there in the cowboy hat writing out a check. Yeah, what about him. Well I just bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your booze and you, and not only wouldnt you be mad, you would laugh hysterically about it.

25
Nov

Youve ever held somebody up

Youve ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.

You have every episode of Hee Haw on tape.

Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.

25
Nov

Estn Pepito y una nia

Están Pepito y una niña jugando juntos. Pepito le pregunta a su amiguita con aire de suficiencia:

¿Sabes cómo se hacen los niños?

No, no lo sé.

Pues, mira, el papá pone la semillita en la vagina de la mamá.

¿Y luego?

Luego la empuja con el pene.

25
Nov

Dont need it now, but maybe someday!

On page 114 of the Fall 1991 J. Crew catalog (yuppie clothing)
that I received yesterday is a full page photo of a very pregnant
woman wearing a maternity sweater (very fully cut in the lower areas).
The description reads:


Room for two. A sweater that just seems a natural
for now. Soft. Comfortable. Uncomplicated. And
unconfining by design. Our wool rollneck, shown here
in loden, see p. 48 for additional colors and photos.
Unisex sizes. $52.


Unisex sizes?!

25
Nov

Sure is dark in here, isnt it?

A bored housewife in suburbia is entertaining her lover in bed one day as, unknown to them, her nine-year-old son is taking it all in from her bedroom closet. As luck would have it, the husband arrives home unexpectedly from the office and the surprised wife shoves her lover into the closet.

Son says to lover, Sure is dark in here, isnt it?

After jumping out of his skin and crawling back in, the lover replied that it was.

Would you like to buy a flashlight? asks the boy. The lover said he didnt think so.

Sure would be bad if dad found out about this, observed the boy. The lover enquired as to how much the boy wanted for the flashlight and agreed to pay the $25.00 price.

Two weeks later, same housewife, same lover, same boy in the closet when husband again arrives home unexpectedly. Wife shoves lover into closet and son says, Sure is dark in here, isnt it? Would you like to buy a fishing rod?

The lover agrees to pay the $50. price for the boys fishing rod and his silence.

Weekend arrives and father asks son if he would like to go fishing. Son replies, Cant, dad; sold my fishing rod.

Dad says, That old thing? How much did you get for it?

When the son told him $50., dad proceeds to give him a stern lecture on morality and ethics and demands that he go to confession that very day.

The son goes into this big church, enters the confessional, and pulls the curtain closed. He says, Sure is dark in here, isnt it?

The priest replied, Oh no, were not going through that again!

24
Nov

You might be a Republican if…

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

24
Nov

Two [ethnics] both worked in

Two [ethnics] both worked in the airport, Toronto, filling up the
planes with gas. They had been doing this for a number of
years.

One day,Mike shouted over to Jim, who was away over on
the other wing. Jim, some of the gas splashed me and I have
found that it has the flavor of our [ethnic] screech, try it!

He does, and yells back, Lets take some in our thermoses!

So they filled their thermoses and shortly went home.

After a couple of hours,
Mike phoned his buddy, to ask how he was doing with the
booze?

He replied Fantastic, Mike

Mike then warned Jim,
What ever you do, dont fart! Im phoning you from Calgary!