Old and New Jokes

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. Its for my
husband, she tells the clerk.

Did he tell you what gauge to get? asked the clerk.

Are you kidding? she says. He doesnt even know that Im going to
shoot him!

Jordan: Do you know how to keep an [ethnic] from drowning?

Mike: No.

Jordan: Good.

Its OK Daddy, Im not hurt.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

This was heard on Atlanta radio station as one of the cures for boredom while
sitting around the house over the summer:

Shave your neighbors cat and go ask him if he has had his house tested
for radon gas yet.

A young woman has just undressed to step into the shower when the doorbell
rings. She goes to the door and says, Who is it?

Blind man, comes the reply.

So instead of going back to the bathroom for her robe, she opens the door.

Hmmm.. nice body, lady. Where do you want the blinds?

A marine is sitting at the bar and a striking redhead sits down next to him. He gives her a cursory look, smiles and continues to nurse his beer. Five minutes later he glances at his watch and the redhead – wondering why she had not been hit upon – asked, Are you waiting for your girlfriend! No, he responded. This is not merely a watch. It is a sensory pickup and I can tell things about other people, like …. well, the fact that youre not wearing panties! The redhead smiled and said, Well, you had best get it fixed because I am wearing panties! The marine looked at his watch and replied, Hmmmm! It seems to be running about an hour fast!

• Yo mamas so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
• Yo mamas so fat, shes got more Chins than a Chinese phone book.
• Yo mamas so dumb, when I told her I wanted color TV, she said, What
  color?

• Yo mamas so stupid, when the computer said Press any key to
  continue, she couldnt find Any key.

• Yo mamas so ugly, you could hef face in dough and make monster cookies.
• Yo mamas so fat when she sits around the house, she sits around the
  house.

• Yo mamas so poor when I saw Her kicking a can down the street, I asked
  her what she was doing, she said, Moving.

• Yo mamas so stupid, she thinks Taco bell is the Mexican phone company.
• Yo mamas so fat, she cant even jump to a conclusion.
• Yo mamas so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes.
• Yo mamas so old that when she was in school there was no history
  class.

• Yo mamas so stupid she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said
  Guess so she said Levis.

• Yo mamas so poor when I ring the doorbell she says, Ding.
• Yo mamas so ugly, she went to a haunted house and came out with job
  application.

• Yo mamas so fat, she stepped on a scale and it read to be continued.
• Yo mamas so old, she has autographed Bible.
• Yo mamas so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
• Yo mamas so stupid she went to Disneyworld and saw a sign that said
  Disneyworld Left so she went home.

• Yo mamas so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
• Yo mamas so dumb, when she was asked on a application, Sex?, she
  marked, M, F and sometimes Wednesday too.

• Yo mamas so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck.
• Yo mamas so fat, when she put a yellow raincoat on, people said,
  Taxi!

• Yo mamas so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end.
• Yo mamas so stupid, she died before the police arrived because she
  couldnt find the 11 button for 9-1-1.

• Yo mamas so fat, she couldnt fit in a satellite photo.
• Yo mamas so stupid, she thought the board of education was a piece of
  wood.

• Yo mamas so old, powder milk comes out her tits.
• Yo mamas so fat, she could sell shade.

Colleague swears these are true, happened on flights he was on …

Cabin attendant – Good morning, as we leave Dallas. Its warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where its dark, windy and raining, and why in the world yall wanna go there I really dont know.

Pilot – Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land… its a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.

Pilot – Folks, if you were with us last week, we never got around to mentioning that it was National Procrastination day. If you get a chance this week, please try to celebrate it. If you cant get to it, then maybe try to do it at the weekend, but no big rush. Have a nice day.

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money
as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a
zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoos most popular attraction, a
gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will
fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get
another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before
crowd comes. He discovers that its a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play
and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on
tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion
in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he
climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the
top to the lions cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd
loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being
such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds
grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is
dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The
lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins
to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime
starts screaming and yelling, Help, Help me!, but the lion is quick and
pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and
the lion says, Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?