Old and New Jokes

Q: What happened when the blonde went to the movie theater?A: She saw the “NC-17: Under 17 not admitted” sign, so she went home and got 16 friends.

Un tío le pregunta a un amigo suyo, que es comunista:

Oye, ¿tú me podrías explicar qué es la dialéctica marxista?

Sí, mira, te lo voy a explicar con un ejemplo. Imagínate que hay un hombre sucio al lado de una bañera: ¿se bañará?

Sí, claro.

Pues no. Un hombre sucio, es sucio por naturaleza; no se bañará porque no conoce las virtudes de la higiene, y esa es la razón por la que está sucio en primer lugar. ¿Lo comprendes?

Hombre, tiene su lógica.

Bueno, ahora vuelve a imaginarte a un hombre sucio al lado de una bañera: ¿se bañará o no?

No.

Vuelves a estar equivocado. Vamos a ver, si está sucio ¿por qué no va a bañarse? Lo más probable es que el hombre esté al lado de la bañera precisamente porque iba a bañarse. ¿Lo comprendes?

Sí.

Bueno, pues ahora, imagínate de nuevo a este hombre sucio al lado de la bañera: ¿se bañará o no?

¡Y yo que sé!

Bueno, pues eso es lo de la tesis, antítesis y síntesis.

What do you call a Paki that came last in a race?

– Ranshit

Satan greets him: Welcome Mr. Gates, weve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. Youve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since youve got me in a good mood, Ill be generous and give you a choice of three places in which youll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bills delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says Ill take this option.

Fine, says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. That was Bill Gates! cried Lucifer. Why did you give him the best place of all!

Thats what everyone thinks snickered Satan.

The bottle has a hole in it!

What about the PC?

Its got Windows 95! laughed Satan.

And its missing three keys,

Which three?

Control, Alt and Delete.

Cover your stump before you hump
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
Dont be silly, protect your Willie
When in doubt, shroud you spout
Dont be a loner, cover your boner
You cant go wrong, if you shield your dong
If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
If you think shes spunky, cover your monkey
It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
If you slip between her thighs, condomize
She wont get sick if you wrap your dick
If you go into heat, package your meat
While youre undressing Venus, dress up your penis
When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
Especially in December, gift wrap your member
Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
Dont be a fool, vulcanize your tool
The right selection, is to protect your erection
Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
A crank with armor, will never harm her
If you really love her, wear a cover
Dont make a mistake, cover your snake
Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
If you cant shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
No glove, no love
If you think shell sigh, cover old one eye
Even If shes eager, protect her beaver
No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax
Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt
Avoid a frown, contain your clown
Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam
Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed
Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink
The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground
Cloak the joker before you poke her
Encase that torch before you paint her porch
Cape your throbber before you bob her
After detection, sheath your erection
Before you penetrate, hide your magistrate
Dont surprise her, plug your Geyser
Cover that lumber before you pump her
Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle
She wont bristle if you wrap your whistle
House your noodle, then release your strudel
Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
Shelter your jerky, then nab that turkey
Cage that snake, then shake and bake
Cover your peter, it will be much neater
Coat that Labrador, then allow him to explore
Its always funky to cage your monkey
It wont be funny with a coatless dummy
It wont be fun with an unwrapped thumb
Its not much money to catch your honey
Dont be a fool, cover your tool
Hood that match, then scratch that thatch
Stitch that switch, then itch her niche
Wrap that tool to catch the drool
It aint no jibe to protect her hive
Contain that sputum before you use him
Restrain your log, then plow her bog
Glove your pecker before you check her
Coat that slimmer before you prime her
Condomize then womanize
Cover old pete, then grind her meat
Guard your peter before you meet her
Check your list before you tryst
Wrap your bate before you mate
Can your worm before you squirm
Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe
Contain your lizard, then tickle her gizzard
Bag the mole, then do her hole
Cuff your carrot before you share it
Jail your number, then call the plumber
Cover your vein, then drive her insane
Wrap that pickle, then slip her a tickle
Protect your dink, then fluff her mink
Restrain your lantern, then stick it in her cavern
Hide ole harry, then take her cherry
Wrap that spout, then bore her out
Conceal your train, dont cause her pain
Guard your bridge, then do her ridge
Shroud your trout, then make her shout
To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky
Box your blister, then poke her in the whiskers
Wrap your spout to catch the trout
Plug your funnel, then enter the tunnel
Cover your steamer before you ream her
Protect that fish, then dip it in the dish
Contain that bass for a swim in her glass
Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret
Clothe the boner before you hone her
Got no protection? Cant use your erection!
Cork your pump or you dont hump
No unwrapped stags get between her legs
Dress that erection to make a deflection
Contain that shanker before you spank her
Cap that seeder before you breed her
Stop the stream before you cream
Secure that ladder, then drain your bladder
Protect your screw to catch that glue
Package your meat for a real neat treat
Holster your gun, then shootings more fun
Canvas that trailer before you nail her
Garage the tractor, then attack her
Net that grass hopper before you pop her
Sock that wanger before you bang her
Pen that rooster, shell be much looser
Trim your hardwood, then do her real good
Garnish your oak, then give her a poke
Pouch your associate, then go fornicate
Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate
Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates
Catch that goat before it bloats
Ensnare that barbarian, then do her abdomen
Restrain your hammer, then wam bam her
Prune that stalk, then make her squawk
Wrap that rod, then please her bod
Sheath that knife, she aint your wife
House that bottle, then mash her throttle
Sash that hash, then thrash that gash
Cover your diddle, then fiddle her middle
Can your knob, then throb her swab
Contain old Doug, then clean her rug
Cover your limb before you swim
Retain your bailer, then impail her
Rope your dope, then make some soap
Net your salamander, then make salad in her
Cap your flapper, then sniff her snapper
Wrap that Steed, then trample her weeds
Hat that chef, then scramble her cleft
Cover your stone before you bone
House your hose, then curl her toes
Saddle your penis, then straddle her mean ass
Blanket your twitch, then hump that bitch
Shield your rocks, then pound her box
Cover old sly, then do her dry
Wrap your rail, then fill her pail
Glove your chimney before you come in me
If your nude, tube your dude
Cloak your hitter, then go split her
Wrap your nipper before you dip her
Can your spam, then bam that maam
Corral your ram, then slice her ham
Sheath your sliver, then jab her liver
Twist your wick, then stick that prick
Cover old Bart, then dart her tart
Shed old spot, then do her slot
Drawer your pip, then split her lips
Contain that leach, then mash her peach
Bag your elm, then take the helm
Constrain your gem to catch the flem
Catch that head cheese, or I wont spread these
Constrain that agate you aint no faggot
Survey your land, then plant her stand
Before you drive her, protect that diver
Sack that slimy smelt, then tan her beaver pelt
Wrap that stiffer, then let him sniff her
Cover you post, then slice her roast
Blanket old juicy, then plug old loosey
Balloon your baboon, the moon tune her poon
Contain that viper before you pipe her
Wrap your whopper, then go bop her

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp. What chicken?
Roland Barthes: The chicken wanted to expose the myth of the road,
Ludvig von Beethoven: What? Speak up.
Leopold Bloom: Wonder why chickens cross roads. Must be some law. Migration maybe. Mrs Marion Bloom.
Molly Bloom: The chicken crossed the road well Poldy I dont know why why do you worry about such stupid bloody things O speaking of stupid bloody things here it comes again damn it its only been three weeks I wonder is there something wrong with me yes
George Bush: To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.
Julius Caesar: To come, to see, to conquer.
Candide: To cultivate its garden.
Bill the Cat: Oop Ack.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Joseph Conrad: Mistah Chicken, he dead.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
Salvador Dali: Fish.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Thomas Dequincy: Because it ran out of opium.
Jacques Derrida: What is the *differance?* The chicken was merely deferring from one side of the road to other. And how do we get the idea of the chicken in the first place? Does it exist outside of language?
Rene Descartes: It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Bob Dylan: How many roads must one chicken cross?
TS Eliot: Weialala leia / Wallala leialala.
TS Eliot (revisited): Do I dare to cross the road?
Epicurus: For fun.
Paul Erdos: It was forced to do so by the chicken-hole principle.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didnt cross the road; it transcended it.
Basil Fawlty: Oh, dont mind that chicken. Its from Barcelona.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station …
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, Quit while youre ahead
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me – they were cramming for their finals.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do … write to these men? Why dont they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didnt live there?
If its true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
Clones are people two.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Go ahead and take risks … just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
If you cant be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didnt zigzag?
Nostalgia isnt what it used to be.
Think honk if youre telepathic.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long Id be gone. I said, The whole time.
So whats the speed of dark?
How come you dont ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why dont they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If youre sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals dont eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isnt Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an s in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isnt that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If its zero degrees outside today and its supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

BaptistryA churchs swimming pool. Designed by a finance committee
with a concern for cutting costs.

Blind FaithObsolete phrase meaning visually challenged faith.

BurnoutWhen clergy start preaching from the telephone book. The
result of extreme overwork or excessive stress. Hiding the telephone
book is not a sufficient treatment.

CampingA specialized ministry traditionally offered in the
summertime. Often directed at young people. Theologically, it has the
potential to teach valuable lessons about the Israelites 40 years in
the wilderness. This is usually thwarted by the tendency of churches
to place their camps in swamps, rather than deserts.

Candlelight ServicesA time when otherwise sensible choirs wander
around in darkened churches singing with fire in their hands. Not
surprisingly, this has been known to affect the quality of music.

Canon LawAn ancient arms limitation treaty.

CassockShort for clergy hassock. A robe that makes the wearer look
like a small, round, over-stuffed footrest.

Choir GownRobes worn by all choir members, designed to look equally
ill-fitting on everyone. Generally colour-coordinated with previous
church carpeting.

EvensongA song with a meter which can be divided by two. The
alternatives is unevensong, which should not be used for
processionals.

GargoyleAn extremely ugly statue on a church building. In medieval
times, they were intended to scare away evil spirits. Now they are
intend to attract tourists. The relationship between tourists and evil
spirits has not yet been determined.

God(n) The Greatest User Of Capital Letters.

GuiltA sixth human sense, faithfully instilled in children by parents
and in congregations by the clergy, for centuries. If functioning
properly, it may not prevent people from sinning, but it will prevent
them from enjoying it.

Joint Services(1) Worship in a ramshackle building. (2) Worship with
illicit substances. Subject to police raids. (3) Worship with
another congregation or denomination. In some peoples eyes, this is
morally worse than #2.

Leap of FaithBungee jumping with a Bible.

Missionary TeaSteep a missionary in boiling water for two minutes.
Remove and add lemon or milk to taste.

OffertoryRitual sacrifice of a member of the Conservative party. Now
restricted to Parliament.

Organ FundMoney being raised for a transplant. Fund is often not
established until long after the organ in question is in a terminal
condition.

Original SinA bad deed that no one else has thought of. There are
few of these anymore since most bad things have been tried over the
history of humanity. If you come up with an original sin, you should
consider patenting it.

Overhead ProjectorA teaching aid which has become a great
labour-saving device. It takes material which is clear and transparent
and then ensures that it goes over everyones head. Theologians used to
take years to learn to do this.

Pall BearerSt. Pauls mother.

PewAncient device of torture, developed to make people wish they had
to stand through worship, as in early centuries.

Pledge CardsLittle pieces of paper used for dusting pews. Some are
called Lemon Pledge Cards.

PsalterA device for sprinkling Psalt on pstews, psteaks, and
psandwiches.

RedeemedWhat happens to coupons and Christians. Christians are
rarely 50% off.

Slam DunkA rough baptism.

Stained Glass WindowsColourful glass set into attractive patterns.
When installed in a church, these prevent a congregation from gazing
out the window during the sermon without having to use shutters. Some
have pictures, which depict people long dead (usually from the Bible)
under which are the names of different people, who died more recently.
For some reason, this never confuses as many people as it should.

TemptationSomething you want to do but know you shouldnt. See Sin.
Actually, dont see Sin since sin sometimes leads to temptation.

VestmentsSmall, white mints kept in the vest pockets of grandfathers
in the church. A traditional bribe to keep children quiet during a
sermon.

White Elephant SaleA fundraiser, now defunct due to the international
ban on the ivory trade.

Womens GroupsThe source of all power in the church.

Q: What does Clinton need to stop the white water?
A: A water gate.