Old and New Jokes

• You dont sweat, you percolate.
• Your lifes goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
• When someone says, How are you?, you say, Good to the last drop.
• Youd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
• Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
• Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
• You ski uphill.
• You get a speeding ticket even when youre parked.
• You speed-walk in your sleep.
• You havent blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
• You just completed another sweater and you dont know how to knit.
• You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
• You sleep with your eyes open.
• You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
• The only time youre standing still is during an earthquake.
• You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
• You lick your coffeepot clean.
• You spend every vacation visiting Maxwell House.
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
• You chew on other peoples fingernails.
• The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
• You can type 60 words per minute with your feet.
• You can jump-start your car without cables.
• All your kids are named Joe.
• You dont need a hammer to pound in nails.
• Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low.
• You buy milk by the barrel.
• Youve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
• You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
• You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
• Chuck Yeager thinks you need to calm down.
• Youve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers
• People get dizzy just watching you.
• Youve worn the finish off your coffee table.
• The Tasters Choice couple wants to adopt you.
• Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
• Your taste buds are so numb, you could drink your lava lamp.
• Youre so wired, you pick up AM radio.
• People can test their batteries in your ears.
• Instant coffee takes too long.
• You channel surf faster without a remote.
• You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee
• You name your cats Cream and Sugar.
• You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
• Your Thermos is on wheels.
• Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
• You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
• You short out motion detectors.
• You have a conniption over spilled milk.
• You dont even wait for the water to boil anymore.
• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
• You think being called a drip is a compliment.
• You dont tan, you roast.
• You dont get mad, you get steamed.
• You cant even remember your second cup.
• You help your dog chase its tail.
• You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
• You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
• You think CPR stands for Coffee Provides Resuscitation.
• Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

Jack was a grumpy old man, who likes visiting pubs. He loved to tell people in the pub of all his belongings.

One night, old Jack went to a local pub. As the night get older, Jack gets drunker.

One of the locals there, offered him a lift to his house.

He invited the man into the house. Jack asks the man, Do you see that lamp?

Yes the man replied.

Well, thats mine. Do you see that carpet?

Yes.

Well thats mine.

Old Jack show the man everything and make him aware of all his belongings. They finally came to the bedroom.

Do you see that bed?

Yes.

Well, thats mine.

Do you see that women on the bed?

Yes.

Well, thats mine.

Do you see the man next to her?

Yes Jack, I see!

Well, thats me.

Taxes suck.

Yo Mama is so stupid, that she thought Johnny Cash was a pay toilet.

People who are resistant to change cannot resist change for the worse.

Q: How do you break the nose on a blonde?

A: You put a dildo under a glass table!

One late evening a redneck named Aldo came out of the local pub a little drunk.He got into his pickup truck and started driving home. He was on a lonely stretch of the road, when all of a sudden a piston blew right through the engine hood. Aldo gets out of his pickup truck, angry as hell and kicks the door real hard out of frustration and starts walking down the lonely road. About twenty minutes later, a pickup truck with a bunch of fellow rednecks riding in the back of the truck came along and stopped. On of the fellas called out, Whats the matter ole friend?

Aldo says, Piston-broke! The same fella calls back, Ya! were pissnd and broke too. Get in the truck.

Yo mama so fat that when she went to jump in the ocean the ocean jump out and said, No way! Theres not enough room for us both!

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

One little girl raised her hand and said, I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God. The teacher praises the little girl, as a little boy raised his hand.

The little boy says, I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love. Very good said the teacher.

The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnnys hand up. Oh no, she thought, Im not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?

Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, Your feet. The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.

He replied, Well, I was walking past my parents bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, Oh God, Im coming!

A Calculus Carol

written by: Denis Gannon (1940-1991)

sung to the tune of Oh, Christmas Tree

Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
How tough are both your branches.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
To pass what are my chances?
Derivatives I cannot take,
At integrals my fingers shake.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
How tough are both your branches.

Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Your theorems I cant master.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
My Proofs are a disaster.
You pull a trick out of the air,
Or find a reason, God knows where.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Your theorems I cant master.

Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Your problems do distress me.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Related rates depress me.
I walk toward lampposts in my sleep,
And running water makes me weep.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
Your problems do distress me.

Oh, Calculus; Oh,Calculus,
My limit I am reaching.
Oh, Calculus; Oh, Calculus,
For mercy Im beseeching.
My grades do not approach a B,
Theyre just an epsilon from D.
Oh, Calculus; Oh,Calculus,
My limit I am reaching.