Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and its clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The first one says, My husband is taking me to the French
Riviera for two weeks on vacation, and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second one says, Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes, and looks about with considerable pride. Number three says, Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we dont have much money and we dont have any material possessions. However, one thing I can
tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis. After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, Girls, Ive got a confession to make. I was just
trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about?
Well, its not to the French Riviera. Its to my parents house in Philadelphia for two weeks. The second one says, Your honesty has shamed me. Its not a Mercedes. He bought me a Honda. Well, the third
one says, I also have a confession to make. Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it.
After the intimate session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says, I bet you are a surgeon. She confirms and asks how he knew.
Easy, youre always washing your hands.
She then says, I bet youre an anesthesiologist.
Male doctor: Wow, how did you guess?
Female doctor: I didnt feel a thing!
You might be a redneck if…
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Burns!
Burns who?
Durns me up!
A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells Give me a Budweiser, or…! Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.
Give me a Budweiser, or…! O-o-o-o-r-r-r w-what?
stammers the bartender.
A small Coke.
Hanlons Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
One night the conversation turned to Richard Adams book SHARDIK, about an ancient empire ruled by an enormous, semimythical bear. This triggered Doc Webster:
The only way to become a knight in Shardiks empire was to apply for a personal interview with the bear. This had its drawbacks. If he liked your audition, you were knighted on the spot – but if you failed, Lord Shardik was quite likely to club your head off your shoulders with one mighty paw.
Even so, there were many applicants – for the peasantry were poor, and if a candidate failed for knighthood, his family received, by way of booby-prize, a valuable sheepdog from the Royal Kennels. This consoled them, for truly it is written:
For the mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that hit you.
It takes me fifteen minutes to clear my throat!
Saw this one on a professors door:
The evolution of mathematics education
during the last 30 years.
1960s
A peasant sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his
selling price. What is his profit?
1970s
A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His costs amount to 4/5 of his
selling price, i.e. $8. What is his profit?
1970s (New Math)
A farmer exchanges a set P of potatoes with a set M of money. The cardinality
of the set M is equal to $10 and each element of M is worth $1. Draw 10 big
dots representing the elements of M.
The set C of production costs is comprised of 2 big dots less than the set M.
Represent C as a subset of M and give the answer to the question: What is the
cardinality of the set of profits? (Draw everything in red).
1980s
A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10. His production costs are $8 and his
profit is $2. Underline the word potatoes and discuss with your classmates.
1990s
A kapitalist pigg undjustlee akires $2 on a sak of patatos. Analiz this tekst
and sertch for erors in speling, contens, grandmar and ponctuassion, and
than ekspress your vioos regardeng this metid of geting ritch.
Author unknown
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
17. Chain yourself to your roommates bed. Get him/her to bring you food.